WARNING! These are not the fun ‘getting to know you’ questions. This isn’t lighthearted stuff. This is REAL. The meat and potatoes of marriage. These are things marriages die over and they’re not always fun to discuss. They may be boring (like finances) or bring some heartache.
I’m going to be honest. You may read this list with your significant other – And it may not make a damn bit of difference. Some people are determined to be together no matter what the cost. Even when they shouldn’t. The only thing not included is… “Where do we go for dinner?” (Bad news – Couples have probably been fighting about this since Cro Magnon man threw carcasses down in front of the family cave for dinner).
When you meet someone and it feels like the moon and stars align in perfect harmony with the sun, and the sky is brighter, birds sing more sweetly, etc., nothing will convince you otherwise that red flags exist. New love blinds us. For the first years of a relationship, everything is beyond beautiful. When reality sets in, it’s scary as hell to realize you walked down the aisle with someone you fundamentally disagree with on most life issues.
If you’ve been fooled before, you will understand how important these questions are. They are the life blood of your relationship, things that will make or break your marriage. And you need to discuss them. Save this list, curl up in front of a fire together and discuss!
- Do you hope getting married, someday, might change a few of your partner’s behaviors?
- Does your partner’s use of drugs or alcohol make you uncomfortable?
- Does your partner tend to act inappropriately after using substances?
- Do you have any concerns about your partner being inappropriate with others?
- Is your partner the jealous type? Will their jealousy affect you having a life outside the relationship?
- Do you ever wonder if your partner is honest with you?
- Are you concerned over the way your partner solves problems?
- Does your partner’s moodiness cause problems?
- Do you disagree with your partner’s ideas on acceptable social behavior?
- Do either of you ever worry about the other having issues with gambling?
- Is your partner often unhappy and depressed?
- Do you feel like your partner is not very confident or competent?
- Do you feel like your partner never listens to you?
- Does your partner feel like you don’t listen to them?
- Are you unable to express yourself clearly to your partner?
- Is your partner unwilling most of the time to share their feelings?
- Do you ever feel like your partner doesn’t know himself/herself well?
- Are there issues you know your partner will refuse to discuss?
- Will your partner avoid conflict, communication, etc. just to keep the peace at any price?
- Does your partner find it difficult to let go of past hurts?
- Do you and your partner have a hard time agreeing on a good time to communicate?
- Is it hard for you to say you are sorry after a disagreement in which you were at fault?
- Is it hard for your partner to say they are sorry after a disagreement in which they were at fault?
- Do you find yourself somewhat uncomfortable or unable to relax around your partner?
- Do you feel like, if you needed your partner, they would not be there for you when you needed support?
- If you are having a disagreement with someone, will your partner automatically take the other person’s side and play devil’s advocate?
- Have you avoided discussing how you will solve problems and disputes in your relationship?
- Do you think your partner must agree with you at all times?
- Do you think the way problems are solved in your relationships really needs to change?
- Do you feel like your partner always feels they have to win?
- Is there never a feeling of compromise in your relationship where you are never met halfway or never find a new solution agreeable to you both?
- Do you feel your partner’s way of showing anger or disapproval is extreme?
- Do you worry about abuse or keep silent due to past abuses?
- Does your partner ever give you the silent treatment?
- Does your partner ever put you down?
- Does your partner’s behavior ever frighten you?
- Do you feel like your partner disrespects or disagrees with you on religious values?
- Is spirituality and thoughts on religion something you can’t seem to agree on?
- If you had children, do the two of you disagree on how much religion will have an influence on your children and what faith they will be raised in?
- Do the two of you disagree on having children, how many you may be willing to have and when you will be willing to have children?
- Do the two of you disagree on how your children will be disciplined?
- Do the two of you disagree on general parenting roles and what responsibilities each should have?
- Do you disagree that your relationship is the most important and the foundation of your family?
- Do you you feel your partner’s family doesn’t accept you?
- Do you feel like your partner’s family interferes in your life too much?
- Do you feel like your partner’s family demands way too much time of your partner?
- Do you fear raising children around this family?
- Do you feel like the family customs are something you would prefer not to be involved with?
- Is the level of sexual involvement with your partner satisfactory?
- Does your partner’s sexual demands leave you feeling uncomfortable?
- Do you feel like you can’t openly discuss sexual matters with your partner?
- Do you feel like you are in the dark about what happens if one of you would be unfaithful to the marriage?
- Do you worry about your partner’s sexual orientation?
- Do either of you bring relationship baggage from past relationships into this one that affect the relationship negatively?
- Do you ever feel like you partner uses sex to control you?
- Do you have any disagreements about sex or intimacy?
- Would it bother you if your partner’s stress or a life change caused an interruption in your sex life?
- Do you think your spouse spends money foolishly?
- Do you ever have conflicts regarding how to make financial decisions?
- Are there disagreements over how financial responsibilities should be divided?
- Are there disagreements about whether you should have shared accounts or separate accounts?
- Do you believe in budgeting money in one way while your partner completely disagrees?
- Is there ever any refusal to talk about how the two of you will manage assets and debts?
- Are you dissatisfied with your future security?
- Does your partner’s irresponsible use of credit disturb you?
- Do you both have more expenses than income coming in?
- Would it bother you if your spouse made more money than you?
- Would it bother you if your spouse took care of the home while you worked?
- Is anyone on the outside pressuring you to get married?
- Do you feel like you can only ever be happy if you are in a relationship?
- Do you believe a whirlwind romance should take the place of waiting and allowing a relationship to develop with time?
- Do you have concerns that maybe your partner is not the right one for you?
- Do you secretly feel that maybe this person might love you now, but that the commitment might not last a lifetime?
- Do you think marriage often solves major problems in a relationship?
- Do your friends or family object to your relationship?
- Do you ever worry about your partner’s past relationships or have concerns about their feelings towards past exes?
- Do you feel like the lifestyle changes associated with merging lives might be too stressful?
- Are you insistent that the relationship never change and if you ever don’t feel “in love” you will believe the relationship has failed?
- Do you believe as long as you love each other, you will never have conflicts?
- Are you uncomfortable with your partner’s future career plans?
- Do you feel your partner is not affectionate enough?
- Are there qualities of your partner that you just do not respect?
- Do you feel some of your partner’s friends are bad influences?
- Does your partner refuse to let you hang out with some of your friends or give you grief over it?
- Do you feel that you both share in the decision-making process?
- Does your partner’s ideas on managing your home meet your standards?
- Do you feel like you don’t have many shared goals or ambitions?
- Do you disagree on how to balance family and career life?
- Do you worry your partner is too involved in their career?
- Do you feel like you just don’t spend enough time together as a couple?
- Does your partner not deal very well with change?
- Is there any issue where your partner has friends of the opposite sex that cause you discomfort or worry?
- Do your ideas on how important status or the appearance of money, wealth or power disagree with those of your partner?
- Does your partner’s lack of enthusiasm for traditions put a damper on holidays or other special occasions?
- Do you have issues with your partner’s personal hygiene and think they smell bad, don’t groom themselves well enough, etc?
- Does your partner’s views on pornography, strip clubs and other social titillation bother you?
- If you wanted to make a large purchase, would you feel as if you needed to hide it from your partner?
- Is there any tension in the household over one wanting pets/not wanting pets or the types of pets involved?
- Are there frequently arguments regarding the tidiness of the house and who should clean what?
- Does your partner have any hobbies or activities that much of their life revolves around but drive you absolutely crazy?
- Do you feel you have not reached a level of understanding with your partner’s political views that could cause problems?
Pshew. That’s a lot to take in, isn’t it? But we hope you both were able to answer a resounding ‘NO!’ to most of the questions on this list. Having ‘Yes’s doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It just highlights the areas which may need more discussion and thought before taking the plunge.
Smarter Loving 