5 Ways You Will Know They Are “The One”

“When you stop looking for love, it will find you.”

Yet, sometimes we search to the ends of the earth to find the person who perfectly complements our soul. Yes, we can stop actively looking, but to find that one-in-a-million, we must always be awake, open to the people around us, searching beyond to find possibilities we wouldn’t have found had we not expanded our horizons.

Sometimes we must choose to look for love.

In the end, we always have a choice in who we love and owe it to ourselves (and that special person) to make the best choice we can possibly make.

1.  Choose the person you instantly connect with

Choose the person whose soul instantly connects with yours across the room, leaving the air sizzling with possibility between the two of you – A connection which translates well to sexual and physical chemistry. You never realize how important this chemistry is until you are in a relationship where it doesn’t exist. Maybe “Love at first sight” does not exist – But there IS this. Whatever it is; That inexplicable, energetic, magnetic, hypnotic attraction between two people. It’s not lust. It’s something bigger.

It’s a connection which makes you want to kiss them when they come close. You’ll feel it around certain people. You will be pulled to them like a moon orbiting the Earth.

Some might say this chemistry is not the most important component in a strong relationship. They are wrong. It is the absolute foundation. This connection is what’s going to have you pausing in the kitchen and hallways to hug and kiss each other, naturally, for years to come.

It’s the propelling force for friendly butt slaps and the desire to touch each other. It’s the desire to hold hands, to crave the feel of their lips on yours, the forging of the ache whenever the two of you are apart. And when things go wrong or you have a period of time where you fall out of love with each other, even slightly (which happens in every relationship), this foundation will draw you back to him or her, time and time again.

Don’t get it wrong – This connection is not based on physical attractiveness or looks alone. Someone doesn’t have to be conventionally attractive to possess chemistry that interacts with yours. It’s not a physical reaction to their beauty at all – It’s a reaction to their energy. Some will have a harder time connecting to others in this way. Empaths may find they make connections this way very easily. It’s the one that sparks myths, legends, tales of ‘Twin Flames’, soul mates, etc. Is there only one person for everyone? Doubtful. But there are souls whose energy matches yours or combines pleasantly with yours. It may sound like new age hoopla, but even the skeptic will be taken aback when they experience the phenomenon. “Chemistry” is very real. You may have noticed it between actors who excel at their professions, musicians, etc. who take advantage of this force of nature to sell their performance. Like these two…

2.  Choose the person who is good for you

Not the person who is good for your parents. Not your friends. Not your religion. Not your kids. Not your pets.  Not your brothers or sisters. Not your co-workers. Not your bank account. Not your hobbies. YOU.

“But wait a minute – These things are me!” You’re saying.

At the very core, you are your body. You are your soul. You are your thoughts. You are your waking life. You are the breaths you take in and out. You are not all those other things. You are not an extension of someone else. Your life is your own.

Simplify everything down to you and your special someone. You are the last two people left alive in the world after a terrifying apocalypse. There are no parents to give their stamp of approval. Your friends aren’t there to be impressed or envious over how hot your significant other is. There are no churches preaching the constraints of their religion against your partner’s religion. If you had kids, they are gone, too. There is nobody left to judge your partner based on their profession, looks, hobbies, etc. Money no longer matters after the apocalypse.

In this post-apocalyptic world – Do you still like this person? Do you feel like you would get tired of each other quickly? Is the post-apocalyptic world an adventure with them? Do you feel safe with them? Do they keep your spirits up? What would you talk about? How do you feel in their presence? Do you feel trapped? Do you feel like you are not allowed to speak your mind? Do you feel like you will be physically threatened? Does the person’s energy agitate you? Is their sense of humor compatible with yours? Can you both laugh at the same things?

Basically, are the two of you compatible? You don’t necessarily have to make this a line item examination. It’s okay to have differences. What matters is how you feel around each other. Take careful note of how you feel in the other person’s presence. If you do not feel like a better person, don’t respect them, or don’t trust them – Don’t choose them.

Nobody realizes the alternate reality they are sometimes choosing a life partner in – An alternate reality of everyone else’s expectations and opinions on who is best for you. Be conscious and present when choosing your life partner. If you are choosing someone to make all these other people happy and thinking how much certain people in your life are going to love them – You are not making YOU happy. You are living to please others. It’s a situation which will eventually self-destruct.

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3.  Choose the person who accepts your imperfections and helps you to grow

This one has two parts. But let’s start with the first. Let’s start with YOU. You are not a perfect person. Repeat after me:

I am not a perfect person.

Most people are painfully aware of this. Yet, it is the reason why 100% of marriages end. Because one or both parties in a marriage are not perfect people. Amazing, right?

What is truly rare, truly amazing about marriage and should honestly be in every marital vow everywhere until the end of time — is the admission that we are not perfect people. What if we vowed to be thankful and grateful to our partner for living with our limitations and imperfections as we learned how to navigate life together?

How beautiful would it be if two people vowed to love each other through their imperfections, helping each other in growing towards becoming more perfect people?

What all this translates to is choosing a patient partner. Choose the one who sees you screw up. Choose the one who listens about your past screw ups. Choose the one who praises you for making it right. Choose the person who watches your great business idea fail miserably, dusts you off and says, “Hey, you tried.” Choose the one who picks you up every time you fall and encourages you to keep moving forward. Choose the one who enriches you and encourages you to be your best. Choose the one who provides an environment in which you can grow and be who you’ve always dreamed of being. Choose the one who supports your hobbies, even if they don’t share them (and assuming they are healthy hobbies). Choose the one who isn’t disgusted by what you look like with no makeup on. Choose the one who sees you get angry, lose your shit, do things you’re not proud of, but loves you anyway. Because they know that behavior isn’t you. Because they have faith in you. Because they are invested in you. Choose the person that believes in you and your potential.

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4.  Choose the person committed to their own personal growth

Here’s part two – Your partner. Repeat after me:

They are not a perfect person.

Too many people have checklists of what they consider the perfect man or woman, talking about what they must “have”. They fail to realize that most of the traits of the perfect man or woman are traits developed by being surrounded by loving, positive people. They give unrealistic lists of what essentially amount to the ‘After’ photo of someone who has worked hard to become that person or someone who may exist on paper who will never love them in the way they wish they were loved. They neglect all the ‘Before’ photos walking around them. So many good people with so much potential.

Choose the one who has dreams. Choose the one who has objectives. Choose the one who may not know what they want to do with their life, but they’re good at things and are on their way to figuring it out. Choose the unloved one who never had someone reveal their worth to them. Choose the one who is curious. Choose the one who reads books and watches documentaries and has a genuine interest in the world around them. Choose the one who is humble. Choose the one who listens well. Choose the one always open to new ideas. Choose the one who is aware of their flaws and points them out. Choose the one who is working on their problems. Choose the one who is hard on themselves. Choose the one who apologizes. Choose the one who admits they sometimes think you deserve better. Choose the one who says, “I screwed up”. Choose the one who hesitates to judge others because they screw up themselves. Choose the one who seeks spiritual and emotional fulfillment. Choose the one who sees your mistakes and smiles, not to mock you, but in sympathy because they make mistakes too. Choose the one who loves you all the more for that. Choose the one who will never stop trying.

When you choose someone committed to personal growth, you are choosing someone who gives a damn enough about themselves to become a better person for them and who gives a damn enough about you to think you deserve more than their worst. A person doesn’t have to be PERFECT to deserve your love. They just have to be ever-evolving and growing and have the ultimate desire to be the best human being they can be.

And you should, too!

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5.  Choose the one whom with communication is easy and open

It’s said so often that it’s almost a cliché, but communication is definitely key.

You must be able to talk to your partner about anything and they must feel comfortable talking to you.

There is no compromise on this. You have to set aside time to communicate with your partner. They need to be able to come to you with what is bothering them. You need to be able to go to them. You need to be able to put down your phone, turn off the TV, stop driving, stop doing whatever it is you are doing and listen to them, even if it “inconveniences” you and they need to reciprocate in kind.

What’s more inconvenient? Losing your relationship or giving your partner a few hours of open, honest communication? If you give your partner more communication time, they will need less and less of it as they feel their needs are being met. Instead of hours of talking, it will turn into minutes. They will be happier and your relationship might grow in ways that may surprise you.

You’re not in a relationship with a robot. You’re in a relationship with a human being who has human needs and a human psyche. However, like a piece of machinery, look at communication time as an oil change. It’s routine relationship maintenance. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy, but communication is something that shouldn’t ever be stopped just because a relationship is in the “comfortable” phase.

Being in a relationship is more than just sex, sleeping next to someone, or having someone to go do things with. It’s having a companion who gets to know your soul, your thoughts, and becomes the closest human being to you on earth. This is what a relationship is. Communication nurtures and waters the soil for the rewards of the relationship to bloom in. Without it, the garden dries up and dies, or even worse, someone else will come along to tend to the garden you thought was worthless.

Choose the one who gets to know you inside out and never stops valuing your need to express yourself and never stops expressing themselves, letting you get to know them. It’s a beautiful thing when the walls come down and you let each other in, fully. This creates a lifetime bond and a bridge of trust. Never take for granted that someone loved you enough to let you inside.

Choose wisely and live well.

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Devil’s Advocate: When a Man Doesn’t Stick up for you

A wise, emotionally intelligent person knows when to offer an alternative Devil’s Advocate viewpoint, when to shut their mouth, when someone is “venting” and when someone just wants them to act as a mirror to assure they are justified in feeling the way they feel.

His name was Matthew. He was my ex’s friend.

Maybe the reason my ex is now my ex is because he never defended me against people like Matthew.

My ex and I kind of had this thing going where we were each other’s cheerleader. We would work out together and when we started feeling “fat” one or the other of us would encourage the other one to get up off the couch and get active. It worked well. For years we inspired each other.

So when my ex-husband fell into a funk and I noticed it, I made a post on Facebook with a great fitness article which really inspired me.

“Come on, babe!” I encouraged, “Let’s get going! We can do this!”

Enter Matthew, stage left.

Matthew, who was just a casual friend of my husband’s, took what I said the wrong way and went on a tirade about how much of a bitch I was. In Matthew’s opinion, I was telling my husband he was fat (I hadn’t said those words, at all). He then took it further, with a rant about how women ruined everything for men from the beginning of time.
Matthew was probably projecting his own insecurities, but yes, it was epic insanity.

In anticipation, I waited for my ex to defend me against Matthew’s attack. Instead, he laughed at his comments and said nothing. Then went on to talk with him like he hadn’t just called his wife a bitch.

Men, for the love of God, I don’t care who it is – Your dad, your brother, your mother, your sister, the mailman – If someone calls your wife a name like that, you’d better be defending your wife.

When I told him I was disappointed he didn’t defend me, he asked me what I had done to provoke Matthew.

Fighting words. I’d done exactly nothing and told him this.

“Oh. Guess he’s just being a jerk.”

That was the end of it, as far as he was concerned. I was still furious. The whole conversation between Matthew and myself was right there on Facebook and he blew it off as if it were my fault or like I had deserved his friend’s treatment somehow.

It was one of many times where he didn’t stick up for me. I can’t imagine ever letting one of my friends disrespect him that way. No way would I stand for someone talking to him the way his friend did to me while saying absolutely nothing. Years of this kind of behavior ended up being one of many things that did our marriage in.

Playing devil’s advocate can tell your spouse that their opinions and feelings do not matter. It minimalizes and trivializes problems. When one person in a relationship does this to the other, it can cause irreparable harm.

Even after this relationship was over, it was experienced in another relationship. As someone fairly level-headed, I thought, “What if he’s right? What if I do overreact? What if I am not giving the benefit of the doubt enough?”

And so I’d be more patient, flexible, more understanding…and get hurt over and over again. I’d take blatant insults from others repeatedly because the voice in my head told me “It’s probably your fault…Maybe you are overreacting.” Until I realized, my feelings were completely valid! I had every right to be pissed off when someone disrespected me.

There are reasons why people play Devil’s Advocate. Some are part of their personalities, some are well-intentioned; Others are more insidious.

Playing Advocate for the Devil’s Advocate

When someone plays devil’s advocate, there are several reasons. It’s not always a bad thing when done from a place of concern and reason. On a bigger scale, society needs Devil’s Advocates. They keep thinking from all going one direction. They break up sheep mentality. They keep us intellectually fit and mentally stable. Are they annoying? Yes. But you must examine intentions. When you’re in a relationship, things get trickier.

A wise, emotionally intelligent person knows when to offer an alternative Devil’s Advocate viewpoint, when to shut their mouth, when someone is “venting” and when someone just wants them to act as a mirror to assure them they are justified in feeling the way they feel.

Some people who are fantastic Devil’s Advocates in the arena of public thought may end up not making the best relationship partners unless they learn to turn off their advocacy within the boundaries of their most cherished relationships.

There are several different kinds of Devil’s Advocates and some are better in relationships than others. Some are wise enough to know when to “turn it off”.

So why do some continue to bring their passion for advocating for the Devil into the relationship?

1.  They are simply trying to provide an alternative viewpoint to be sure you are thinking of things from all angles

   They want to be sure you’ve thought of everything. Really. The friend who just stabbed you in the back you are telling them about – Do you really want to cut off ten years of friendship over one fight? They are trying to provide an objective voice of reason…because they are reasonable people.

   However, this can be highly insulting if you are one of those people who think things into oblivion until your very brain cells are exhausted. Chances are, you already know in the back of your mind what you are going to do about a situation. What you really wanted was to hear the person you love most in the world say was something like, “Damn, that sucks. You are absolutely right.” to validate the way you are feeling, “Yes, I’d be hurt, too.”

   Instead, they question every feeling you have. The truth is, your Devil’s Advocate probably means well if, in every other regard, they show their love for you on a consistent basis and you have no other reason to question the way they feel about you. Their ability to see all sides of a situation is what they are proud of about themselves and it’s possible they don’t realize the pain they cause.
   
   

2. This is their personality.

   They are difficult people. They like to stir the pot. They like the drama of giving a “Did you ever think about that?” response and then sitting back, smirking, arms folded to watch your brain scramble to defense. They are bullies of an insidious nature who throw acid on your every thought or idea and then claim, “I was just offering a different viewpoint/giving a different solution/providing some food for thought/trying to help, etc.”

   If they are smirking while listening to your problems or laughing about them while giving sarcastic responses, chances are this is what you are dealing with – Someone who derives pleasure from being a pain in the ass, or who doesn’t know when to be serious. For five seconds.

   They can’t stand attaching labels to themselves because they like to be able to make fun of everything without giving anyone else some perceived weakness to latch on to. They may be politically moderate. They won’t confine themselves to a genre of music. They will dress “boring”. They won’t reveal much personal detail about themselves. They are a moving target. Chances are, they became this way after being picked on a lot themselves. So they figure a vague life without being committed to any idea is the way to escape criticism while criticizing everyone else from their swiftly-moving cloud. They have found refuge in playing Devil’s Advocate to take the focus off their own insecurities.
   
   

3. They truly don’t care about your problems and are trying to shut you up

   You are annoying them. They don’t have the patience to deal with you and your problems. They don’t want to listen. They’re not even trying to play pot-stirring games with you. They just want to drop a bomb on you in the form of making you feel stupid so you will stop…talking.

   They will typically be more abrupt and point out one of your faults to take validation away from your feelings by using how you are imperfect against you.
   
   “Oh yeah? So some woman at the grocery store asked if you are pregnant? Like you don’t see how someone might say that?” (staring at your gut)
   
   “Alexandra asked someone else to photograph her wedding? Well, let’s face it – You’re not a very good photographer.”

   These are the typical responses of a Sociopath. Things as such might be completely true, but there are people on this earth who have not learned the fine art of diplomatic response, kindness and protecting the fragile sense of self of others. There are friends who are honest with you and then there are those who fire off statements, such as above, without thought or care to the impact those words might have on others. These people aren’t just “Devil’s Advocates”, they are the Devil, himself.

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Are you the Devil’s Advocate?

Maybe you have seen your advocacy ruin relationships with people you cared about.

Assuming it’s not that you don’t really care about the person or the psychological well-being of the person you are advocating against, maybe it really is just your personality to be this way as a form of protection. Maybe you can’t stand to have any discussion without exploring all sides in your quest for truth and knowledge.

If Devil’s Advocacy makes you feel protected, maybe it’s because people make you feel stupid every day. People don’t take you seriously. So why should you take them seriously? You can find the flaw in every situation and you’re not afraid to say it. You believe yourself to have a relationship with the truth – But you are ignorant of feelings and emotion.

It’s foreign to you why anyone would disclose so much personal information or leave themselves wide open and vulnerable by bleeding out their problems to someone else’s listening ear. When in a relationship with one of these people – You don’t get it. Instead of accepting that this is the way some people are, you try to change them to be more like you. You try to encourage them to be cold towards these issues…like you. This survival technique works for you, so why won’t they stop being stupid and learn it?

With every devil’s advocate comes a bit of arrogance. It’s arrogant to demand all people handle problems the way you do. Some people need to talk their problems out. Some need to let out an emotion and have someone echo back, “I hear you”. Just because you don’t does not mean the world will adjust to suit you. You don’t need to talk about problems and that’s great…or possibly not. Because even advocates sometimes eventually end up needing to see therapists.

You’ve probably been looking at emotive people as “weak”, “fragile”, or a burden without really seeing them for the gifts they are. While you believe you are on a quest for Truth via advocating for the devil, these people give you truth every day in the form of genuine expression.

Only a wise Devil’s Advocate will recognize this and begin to appreciate the color an empathic, emotive person who discusses their day at work, who talks about their plans, who tells you about their problems brings to the black and white of a fully advocated world.

Dear Devil’s Advocate – You seek truth and they are giving it to you. In return for their gift of beautifully emoted truth, it is you that may need to do the adjusting to give them back what they need – An affirmation of the world as they see it, the pain they are feeling, or their reasoning behind the decisions they make daily.

Okay, all This is Great, but Where is my White Knight?

Okay, establishing that not all devil’s advocacy is a bad thing, the part that is more worrisome than anything – The lack of defense from the partner of a Devil’s Advocate.

The people who spurned you, your partner cavorts with. The ones who stabbed you in the back, they still show kindness to. Their advocacy has made them seek the truth, but acting on it in reality is another matter.

First things first – Please examine the reason your partner did not stick up for you. Were you out of line? Did you take something too far? Or were you making a reasonable attempt to stand up for yourself? If you swear you are acting reasonably, there is no way to mince words – A devil’s advocate must realize the line where his/her advocacy ends and their relationship begins. Failing to recognize this will spell an end to even the best of relationships.

When someone insults your partner and you defend them, your penchant for advocating for the devil has become more important than your relationship. Beyond initially questioning, continuing to defend someone who has wronged your partner or failing to stand up for your partner is sheer cowardice. This shows you choose your reputation or friendship with other people over your relationship with your spouse or partner.

Maybe you feel your partner is overly sensitive and allowing petty disagreements to continually come between the two of you and good friendships — And this may be true.

Why do you feel your partner is being paranoid? Why do you feel they are exaggerating? Why do you feel the problem is theirs and not the other party’s? Could it be because you spend more time with your partner and have seen their faults? Is it possible that if you spent a large amount of time with the other party you might see that their viewpoints are more illogical than those of your partner?

In the end, you owe it to the one you love to take them at their word. If you doubt their word that much to the point you more often than not feel they are over-exaggerating every slight that comes their way, it’s possible the relationship is not for you.

And if you are the one who feels unheard or are being made to feel crazy, illogical, paranoid or consistently in the wrong even during times most people are agreeing you are right; Likewise, it may be time to think about your choice of mate.

Why Hasn’t He Proposed?

You’ve been the best girlfriend imaginable…So what gives? Why is he taking so long? All around you, friends who have been dating less time than you two have are already engaged. And here you are, biding your time, waiting, and being aggravated when people throw things like, “So, when is your man going to pop the question?” at you as if you had anything to do with it.

There can be many reasons why you haven’t heard those four words, just yet. Everything happens in good time.

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It hasn’t been long enough

Some people believe in whirlwind romances, getting married on a whim while the feeling is still strong. Other people believe slow and steady is the way to go when it comes to love.

What’s the hurry? Don’t close the door on this chapter of your love, just yet. This is the time when it’s exciting and you are still getting to know each other, developing an idea of why this might be the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. Giving it time allows the “new love” feeling to fade enough to see flaws and if those flaws are things you can both live with. The “new love” feeling usually fades after 2-3 years. This is when reality sets in.

I know you hate the “boyfriend/girlfriend” title and long to use the more eloquent “fiancé /fiancée” but NOW is precious. Enjoy this time of blooming romance and excitement. When the ring comes, the stress about how to get married comes. Enjoy this blissful time of growing in love.

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He’s not sure that’s what you really want

Maybe he’s ready, but not sure about you. Some women are not the type to broadcast, loudly and clearly, “Hey! I want to marry you!” They just wait patiently and see if he takes the hint. If the two of you are lackadaisical on the communication front, there’s a chance neither of you are quite sure what the others’ thoughts are regarding making your commitment more permanent.

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He’s not ready, commitment-wise

He knows it, but doesn’t know how to tell you. He may find his mind drifting. Maybe he can’t stop thinking of other girls. Maybe he’s only focused on you, but the thought of committing himself to you – forever – scares the holy hell out of him. He doesn’t know exactly what that will mean. He doesn’t know if he’s ready for all it could mean. Does it mean he has to stop going out with his friends? Does it mean fatherhood? Does it mean a house with a white picket fence in the suburbs when he always pictured himself living in a swanky high rise in the city?

Pay attention to what he has told you he wants out of life. It’s possible to be with someone for years without admitting that a wedding dress, house in the suburbs, and children are not in his plans.

A man who says, “I never want to get married” or “I do not want children” should always be taken for his word. Yes, sometimes people do change, but do you want to risk the best years of your life on someone who doesn’t know what they want?

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He’s not ready financially

He knows you’re the one. However, he wants to be at a certain place in his life before making that kind of leap. He wants to be able to provide for a family. He wants to be a man you can be proud of. Maybe his parents always stressed old-fashioned values regarding where a man should be in life before he takes on responsibilities like a wife and family. If so, consider yourself lucky. This is a man that views caring for you as a top priority. He’s being smart and thoughtful. He’s planning for your future together and he’s not going to do things half-cocked.

You can tell him you don’t care about the size of his bank account and how it has no bearing on your love for him. He probably already knows this; But it’s his personal sense of duty and responsibility to make sure he is on solid ground before inviting you to step onto that piece of ground with him. It’s a noble stance. Respect it.

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He wants to give you the ring you are expecting

Maybe you’d be happy with a ring from the dollar store, but he saw your eyes when you saw your friend’s ring. He’s been taking note of all his friends’ fiancées rings. Nevermind the fact that he never even noticed things like rings before, now he’s a man obsessed. He wants to do right by you. He doesn’t want you being envious of other women’s rings.

Or maybe he’s totally clueless and doesn’t know what the hell to buy you. He may even think it’s a silly, antiquated tradition. Then again, maybe you have practically shoved in his face the ring worth more than ten times his yearly salary and the poor man is stressing because he has no idea how he can ever afford what you want.

All this stress over a ring? Absolutely! It happens. Men know women make a big deal out of this ring business…and they know your friends are going to judge him by how he “did” with the ring. That’s enough to make any man sweat bullets.

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He has doubts

There are things about you he still doesn’t “get”. Maybe there are things about your relationship that leave him questioning everything or less than fulfilled. If so, he knows he’s playing a dangerous game staying in a relationship where he feels like all his wishes in a wife are not met in you.

Maybe there are things you do or like that he doesn’t know if he can live with. Maybe there are glaring incompatibilities, but there is something keeping him from walking away. Maybe you’re both just together because it’s better than being alone.

His head is full of doubts he isn’t brave enough to express. But until they are resolved, he can’t even think about being with you forever. It’s a brutal truth, but one that must be acknowledged. There could be a flaw in the relationship which prevents him from committing further. Chances are, you may secretly know what these areas are. It’s time to examine if these are flaws that can be fixed so the relationship can move forward.

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He’s afraid there’s a chance you might say “No”

Every man pondering the seriousness of proposing comes to this terrifying thought, “What if she actually says ‘NO’?” and suddenly, they are panicking over the purchase they just made. It’s burning a hole in their pocket. You could say “No” and they could be left down on one knee feeling like a total fool. Could they take the ring back? Could they walk away with their dignity intact? What would happen to the relationship after that? Where do you go after that kind of rejection? You bet he’s thinking it.

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People in his life aren’t happy about the impending proposal

He broke the news to his family or best friends and didn’t get the reaction he was hoping for. Who knows, maybe he even called your father for permission and got a disheartening response. So now he’s in limbo. His mother may have objected and he could be waiting for her to see just what he sees in you. He could be waiting for your father to come around. The thing that sucks the most? You are likely the first person he wants to talk to about all this…and can’t!

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He believes marriage is forever and doesn’t take it lightly

This is a big, big deal. His parents have been married for fifty years! How did they do it? They tell him so much of it was just in choosing the right person. Yet, he looks around at all the divorced people in the world. Did they all choose the wrong people? How do some people make it work and some fall apart? He’s terrified. He doesn’t want to marry the wrong woman. He doesn’t want to end up divorced, paying child support, not being able to see his children, or living alone the rest of his life because his heart was too broken to ever love again. Marriage scares the hell out of him because he so desperately wants it to work and there are no guarantees. He has to be sure it’s going to work.

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He doesn’t want to get married

There are many people like him. Maybe he was married before and burned. Maybe marriage has no appeal for him. Some people just don’t believe in committing to one person or think that the commitment is unlucky or useless. It doesn’t mean your relationship is completely doomed. Some people have lived together their entire lives without formalizing the commitment through marriage…but will that make you happy? Know what his ideas on marriage are, why, and don’t convince yourself he will change.

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He’s waiting for the right time

Men can’t always read our minds, but suddenly, in addition to the stress over the type of ring, there is the stress of how to actually do it.

Is she the type who will get embarrassed if you make it a big ordeal? Or will she be disappointed if the proposal is too simple?
Should it be romantic?
Should it be spontaneous?
Should it be a surprise?
Should it happen with friends or family witnessing?
Should it be intimate? What if he makes it too big a deal? What if it’s not a big enough deal and she’s disappointed? What does she have going on in her life? Does she have exams going on? Is the proposal going to be too much distraction? Should he postpone it till a better time? Proposals are a stressful thing!

Rest assured, if you are both in love, have both expressed thoughts of getting married eventually, he’s got an idea of the type of ring and how you want to be proposed to someday…It’s going to happen. Remember, even though it’s easy to get wrapped up in your own self pity and fears, most of the work in orchestrating the perfect proposal, working through his fears, working to save up money, etc. are all on him.

Patience should bring those four words in sweet time; And a proposal when both parties are fully ready will be sweeter still.

10 Ways Narcissism is Destroying Our Culture

“Narcissism” is quite the buzzword these days, pushed to the forefront of discussion because of social media’s rampant popularity.

Where taking photos of yourself, by yourself, would typically have been considered weird before the advent of social media…It has now become normal behavior.

Being a culture valuing self-expression and individuality, the United States is often viewed by people inside and outside the country as one of the most narcissistic countries in the world. We aren’t talking self-absorbed from a nationalist perspective, but individually self-absorbed.

So who is narcissistic? We all are. What you are about to read will be uncomfortable. Because unless you live under a rock, many of us participate in or have exhibited some inherent narcissistic traits which could be contributing to cultural decline.

Being self-obsessed in everyday life may gain a few eye rolls, but the impacts of narcissism on a culture are vast and harmful.

1)  Increase in Road Rage

How dare there be traffic impeding us to and from work?
How dare other people be on the road when I need to be on it?
Yellow light? Not for me! I’m in a hurry and don’t have time to stop for this nonsense! “My turn signal is on not because I’m ASKING to get over, I’m telling you I’M GETTING OVER! We can crash if you want!” (Yes, this meme actually exists).

Road rage incidents are increasing. AAA reports 80% of all drivers admit to exhibiting some form of road rage. When behind the wheel, we tend to de-personalize and forget other drivers are people too. You are safe in a mobile shelter, protected by steel, fiberglass, aluminum, etc. That bodybuilder twice your size who just cut you off can’t touch you. The middle fingers fly, the horns honk and it’s every bit just like an argument on social media.

More than ever before, the road is becoming a dangerous place because we can’t accept we have to share the road with everyone else.

2)  Identity Politics

Identity politics, by definition, are “Politics in which groups of people having a particular racial, religious, ethnic, social, or cultural identity tend to promote their own specific interests or concerns without regard to the interests or concerns of any larger political group” [Merriam Webster]

Our various social justice causes have separated America into tribes, incorporating narcissistic principles because identity groups no longer promote the good of the whole; Identity groups only promote the good of individuals within the particular identity group.

While intentions may be good and attractive because of the human instincts towards tribalism, forming tribes within tribes within a nation only leads to a sense of disconnect with rational objectives of the nation. We end up caring more about our subgroup’s specific needs than worrying about the bigger issues of the nation as a whole.

Neither political party is immune to identity factions forming within their own parties. Most popular are identity groups focused on social justice issues, as they are easy to understand and promote.

The politics of personal identity have formed new religions where the center of worship is our political party. We defend our ideologies because they are true to us without care to the harm they are doing in turning countrymen against countrymen. What is more narcissistic than this viewpoint?

3)  Ending of Marriages

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Approximately 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Observance shows the reason for many divorces often happens when one party in the marriage thinks they can do better than their partner. You won’t find many admitting it, but it’s a known phenomenon; A divorce becomes nasty and suddenly the couple who were so in love before are now telling the world their ex-spouse is evil.

Shows like ‘The Bachelor’ glamorize dating. Disney movies glamorize one perfect man who will show up and whisk a woman away to a life of excess. In particular, women file for divorce more than men, showing the appeal of staying married may be less for women.

The reasons behind this phenomenon are staggering. Women are the biggest consumers in the country. They are targeted more by advertisers, buy more products, read more books, watch more TV and movies than men. This means women are absorbing more fictionalized, possibly unrealistic expectations of marriage than men on a daily basis.

They are also more prone to consuming self-help literature which largely focuses on ‘eliminating the negative’ – A great concept, but one which causes a dilemma forcing couples to walk away from each other rather than to work out marital problems.Not to mention women who leave bad marriages are portrayed by the media as glamorous, “finding themselves”, strong, confident, powerful, etc.

Some marriages truly are too bad to be saved. But so many times, one party or both just have highly inflated senses of self. They can do better. They deserve better. Their partner’s habits are annoying. But they are faultless. Ask anyone who got away from one of these narcissists and they will usually say they are much better off.

4)  Shallow Friendships

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In the age of social media, how many social media friendships do you have? How many of your social media friends would show up to care for you or run errands for you if you were sick? Who could you count on to give you some of their time if you were in dire need? Who would you call and talk to if you had a problem and needed an ear?

If your answers are, “Not many”, you aren’t alone. Lots of people are surrounded by  acquaintances but very few true friends. In this age of narcissism, some people feel the need to appear popular on social media. You will know them by their party photos, surrounded by “friends”, the constant posts on social media trying to portray the image of a perfect life, and the subsequently disappointed memes about friendship and how nobody is ever there for them when they really need them. If you only have more Facebook time with friends than face time, it’s easier to develop very shallow ideas on what friendship really is.

Interpersonal relationships are giving way to a shallow 2D image of our life on social media where we pretend to live a certain way and friends ‘follow’ and are asked to believe it’s the truth.

5)  Declining Work Ethic

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“I can’t find anyone worth a damn!” is the lament of many a business owner. They’re not being facetious. Work ethic has also changed in modern times. Our forefathers worked hard to build nations that would last and legacies to be proud of. Now, legacies exist on their own merit, but younger generations don’t have the excitement that came with building brick and mortar businesses from the ground up.

They are stepping into career fields already built by their grandparents’ parents. Their struggle is to maintain and so they lose the principles of foundation and giving their everything to achieve a dream. In an online age, buying locally is losing steam as the Internet has driven the market to all corners of the world where people can buy easily at the click of a button.

Narcissism is found in the entitlement exhibited frequently in the modern workplace. Young college graduates may often walk in the door and expect to be paid just as much as their peers who have seniority in the company. Some get spoiled on over-education, remaining in school for multiple secondary degrees to contribute to making them look good and lose out on real world experience. The companies who succeed are those who find a way to get their employees out of themselves and to feel like they are part of a team, all working towards a bigger picture and an exciting future together, rather than isolated wage slaves waiting for 5:00 to roll around.

A company culture focused on the success of the whole is a successful company.

6)  Rise In Drug & Alcohol Abuse

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Drug & alcohol abuse is ultimately selfish, even though the multiple causes can sometimes be understandable. We can make some excuse for drug users because life is hard. We have overcomplicated society to the point where a lot of people have difficulties functioning in this new world we have created. Look at all the hoops you have to jump through just to own a car and be able to drive.

We have complicated relationships. We have complicated family life. We have complicated the process of getting a job. Everything in this world has become overly convoluted and complex. With the rise of stress, anxiety and frustration, many turn to substances to cope. Sometimes these turn into addictions. Sometimes because they partake in these substances so much, the ‘high’ wears off. It’s no longer doing the trick and they escalate to stronger substances, illegal substances…Before they know it, they are full-blown addicts who begin to struggle with life.

The problem is – We ALL have these struggles. However many people won’t turn to drugs & alcohol because they are aware of the bigger impacts on themselves, on society and on their loved ones. They put others first and refuse to fall prey to addiction.

Inevitably, when drug use escalates, the individual starts losing the capacity to hold down a normal job. As the addiction spirals out of control and they lose their income, even people who were once wonderful people may turn to criminal acts to collect enough to keep their fix going. Not only are they harming their loved ones, but they begin to harm society and innocent people. Some get behind the wheel where their narcissistic impulse contributes to tragedy.

7)  The End of Role Models

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Ask someone in their 80’s who they looked up to as a child. They typically have quite a few answers. Ask a child today and they have a hard time coming up with a single answer. Some will name musicians…or maybe a famous ‘YouTuber’, but not many kids have role models based on morals and principles. How many are left?

Witch hunts have become the norm again where stories, true or false, can be circulated, working people up into a frenzy of emotion over the latest topic du jour. Everyone is so quick to accept a story of wrongdoing without even the slightest questioning of whether or not it is true.

The people we should be able to admire, we aren’t allowed to – Because they have a dirty side and it must be drug out for all to see. We want everyone depraved. We want them all to fall. We want them to come down to a level lower than us so we feel better about ourselves. We have a narcissistic need to see the beautiful and wealthy hurt. We make people famous only to destroy them. We don’t want role models. We want drama and chaos in this new world.

The “role models” don’t have it all figured out. Who do they think they are telling us how to live? We are just as smart and worthy as these people. We are our own role models. The self esteem movement says we should love ourselves above all. So we stop looking outside ourselves to others in a gesture of respect and humility. We honor our own greatness instead.

8)  More Education & More Arrogance

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Getting a degree used to be a special thing. Now, everyone has one. “College for all” has become a rallying cry. But does ‘college for all’ really contribute anything to the whole? Does an overly educated society really make us any greater? Does our heightened sense of self importance really make us destined for something bigger?

A long time ago, having a PhD meant something. Now it usually just means you have a larger loan to pay off. Still, colleges push graduates to keep coming back for more. Along with handing out diplomas, it can sometimes seem they are handing out ego, as well, putting college graduates in a real moment of despair when they get out into the so-called real world searching for a job.

As a whole, our society has begun to denigrate some jobs and professions as being for “losers”. Trades became laughed at as positions of lower stature. Yet, some trade jobs can make vastly more than the PhDs who frequent the businesses of tradesmen.

We now have entire generations who think they are “too good” to do certain lines of work vital to functioning as a society. Not all of these collegiate scholars are particularly bright and their IQs aren’t any greater than someone without a college degree, but they have ‘classed’ themselves out of necessary societal occupations. They all want to be known and paid for being thinkers, but won’t raise a finger to be a “do’er”.

As a result of an overeducated society, we have become a society of snobs who look down on people for not having an education while well-paying trade jobs suffer shortages.

9)  Obsession with Appearances

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Social media is one of the single biggest advertising streams on the planet. Not just for  products you can buy. It also allows people to advertise their life in exchange for admiration, respect, the envy of others and the appearance of “having it all”.

Every day, we scroll our news feeds and hear about our friends’ new jobs, latest vacations, the fun night out they just had, their newly done hair, their new motorcycle, the new RV they bought, their new house, their children’s achievements, their own successes… Cumulatively, all these successes in your face at once can make you feel like a real failure.

Subconsciously, social media has awakened the narcissist in each of us. Each person’s Facebook page is their own little reality TV show. If they are the type of person who desires being envied, they’ll fill it with the highlight reel of their days. Anyone who dares be open about a problem in their life risks the title of “negative”. Everyone on social media is conflicted. Many of them don’t want you to be more successful than they are, but at the same time, they don’t want to hear you “whine”.

People will go into debt buying things just to impress others. While this is nothing new, social media has now given them a platform to show off what they bought.

This obsession with appearance and showing off on social media has meant less time with our friends. In days of the past, friends would call you to say, “Hey! I got a new boat! Let’s go out in it this weekend!” Now they just post photos of it on Facebook and photos of themselves enjoying it.

10)  Overall Dissatisfaction With Life

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Studies are beginning to show that happiness levels in the United States have fallen to dismal levels. This last example of how narcissism is destroying our culture is, perhaps, the summary of this entire article.

Our country’s basis in narcissistic pursuits of wealth, fame, beauty, etc. are only making us more unhappy. We want recognition, fame, glory, rewards, envy and as a result, we become angry.

Because we are angry, we are more aggressive and engage in political fighting and road rage. Politics and other people are easy to blame for our emptiness and overall dissatisfaction with life. The constant anger drives our inability to cope to drugs and alcohol. Drugs, alcohol, sex abuses, etc. have led to the destruction of many a role model. So we drift in a sea of faces without anyone to admire. Our jealousy prevents from admiring anyone anyway. We turn to ourselves. Our friendships become shallow because we are taught virtue is in being competitive instead of supportive.

Because we don’t know everything, we go to college so we can become “scholarly” and claim that we do know everything. We make ourselves our own heroes. We refuse to settle for mediocre jobs or a mediocre life. We refuse to settle for mediocre spouses, as well.

This is the United States, today.

Living in a happier culture, such as that of Japan, you would notice a large difference. They don’t necessarily have more than we do. But they have humility. The attitude is very much “Me last”. When you have a culture like this, you have a country where everyone cares for each other and honor exists.

As we know from American platitudes, our cultural platitudes revolve more around “Be yourself” and “Me first” with heavy influence on baseless self love. As a result, everyone is looking out for number one, leading to a culture of greed and corruption.

Maybe our culture can start making a change by living for the good of the whole rather than the good of the individual. It could make all the difference. There is a lot to be said about the beauty of humility. She is a protected class heading for extinction.

Why Does My Wife Always Think I’m Cheating?

“Where were you last night?”
“Where were you really?”
“Are you sure?”
“Were there women there?”

Every Saturday morning after your Friday poker night with the guys, this is what you wake up to the next day. Or if you are really lucky, you’ll get it as soon as you walk in the door that night.

“Why does she always think I am cheating?”

It can be frustrating if you are an upstanding, good man who is going to do exactly what he says he’s going to do – Play poker, try to take all his friends’ money and then come home and cuddle up next to her. Truly, that’s all you want out of life on a Friday night. Why is it so hard for her to see this?

Did you cheat on her in the past?

Cheating leaves residual scars. If you’ve cheated once, no matter how badly you feel about it and how much you wish you could go back and erase the whole incident – It’s something you may never live down. She may always have what you could do, what you did do in the back of her mind.

What to do: Be where you say you will be. As difficult as it is, if the relationship is that important to you, allow her full access to your phone if she really needs to see it (Yeah, this sucks and is a violation of privacy, but if you have nothing to feel guilty about – Do it!) If you’re the letter-writing type, write her a detailed letter explaining why you will never cheat again and what you learned from it. Tell her the exact reasons you don’t feel the need to cheat again. This is a woman who’s taken a big leap in trusting you again.

In this situation, there is very little you can do but thank your lucky stars she forgave you and move forward covering your tracks at all times until the years erase the pain.

Was she with a past cheater?

How much fun is it being punished for something you didn’t do? Being with someone who has faced cheating, abuse and a nightmare violation of trust can be a challenge. It may require a huge heart willing to love someone through the trauma and help them  heal. In the end, it can be worth it, but not without helping her work through her pain.

What to do: Hold her and tell her you are not him. Explain to her you are a simple man who prefers not to live lies and a man who believes in vows, loyalty and fidelity. Express sympathy for what she went through in the situation, calmly, while expressing why you feel it’s not fair to make you walk in another man’s shoes.

Do the friends she surrounds herself with, the movies, TV shows and books she reads make her think ALL men are destined to cheat?

You might feel like you have no chance here. Her friend’s husband cheated. So now you must be a cheater, too. She watches TV shows where everyone is cheating on everyone else. Her favorite movie is ‘Gone Girl’. Everything she watches revolves around men being cheating, lying scum. How could you possibly be an exception? In her mind, it’s not IF you will cheat. She’s wondering WHEN.

What to do: Watch those movies and TV shows with her. Act just as shocked as she does. “Wow! I can’t believe someone would do that to their wife!” Get upset with her that her friend’s husband did such a thing. Let her know you think guys who cheat are scum, too. It doesn’t matter if you thought Brad was a cool guy…Don’t side with Brad. Ever! Lest you want to be seen as being cut from the same cloth of infidelity he came from.

How does she feel about herself? Is she happy with her appearance?

Most women are not totally happy with their appearance. If they were totally happy, cosmetics companies, plastic surgeons, diet programs, etc. would not be so popular, right? Maybe she feels like crap about herself, looks at you, and genuinely thinks you could probably do better. These are the sick places a woman’s mind will roam when unhappy with her own body or looks.

What to do: Make her feel beautiful. Tell her constantly she is the most beautiful woman you know. Compliment specific things about her appearance so she knows you’re not full of it. Tell her why you fell in love with her and mean it. In our appearance-obsessed society, there are some couples where one partner is not conventionally seen as attractive as the other. “Why the hell is she with him?” may be asserted by others without realizing the damaging effect this can have on the self worth of the people actually in the relationship.

Are you too flirtatious with other women?

I’ve seen some guys ask, “Dude, why does she always think I’m cheating?” when two seconds before they were chatting it up with a gorgeous redhead, flashing that smile…The one his wife thinks is so devastating.

She thinks you’re a catch. She thinks you are truly something special. Otherwise, she wouldn’t get upset when you’re surrounded by a bevy of women hanging onto your every word. Some people are natural flirts and can’t help it and maybe this is you…and that’s fine. It may be part of your charm and charisma that follows you and it might be a near impossible personality trait to change. However, you can check the way you talk to other women. If you’re leaning too far in, making constant eye contact and not inviting your wife into the conversation, it can make even the most secure woman a little  uncomfortable.

What to do: Make it clear to your partner you are just talking. Invite her into the conversation. Find a parallel between a woman you are speaking with and your wife, right away. If she mentions a TV show, mention your wife loves it, too. She likes dancing?
“Oh, you love salsa dancing? My wife is one of the best! Baby, come here and meet Susan.” If your wife is nowhere in sight, make sure you mention her kindly. Nobody can mistake a man for being flirtatious when he’s speaking fondly of his wife. Interestingly enough, you will increase your respect with women when you speak flattering words about your partner.

Do you have a problem telling white lies and small lies that just don’t add up?

There are many people who have problems with pathological lying. Some people say things without thought as to why they are even lying. How many times has she caught you in a lie? If you lie to her about the small things, in her mind it is only a matter of time before you start lying about the bigger things.

What to do: Honesty is the best policy. Tell the truth. Even when it’s painful. You will never have a good relationship if you have a problem with lying. If it’s pathological and you know you have a serious problem, seek professional help.

Are you consistent?

Trust is built by always being where you say you are going to be, when you are going to be there and who you are going to be with. It’s built by having respectable boundaries with other women. It’s built by not sending texts or private messaging others with anything you would not want your wife to see. If you are secretive about your phone, vague about where you are going, what you’re doing and who is there or lie about any of this – even once – You run the risk of permanently damaging trust.

What to do: If you want to earn someone’s trust, be trustworthy. Be who they expect you to be and don’t do things that would embarrass or humiliate them. Live so if someone told an outright lie about you, nobody would dare believe it.

 

If you have gone through all this and still can’t find any reason why she may not trust you, it’s very possible that she may have some undiagnosed psychological cause the both of you may need to uncover with a qualified therapist.

The most important thing to remember is not to lose patience with your wife. Even thought it’s obnoxious, annoying and may make you less attracted to her because jealousy is such an ugly quality – It’s always worth it to first examine yourself to see if there is anything you may not have thought about that’s setting off the behavior.

You can’t change your partner – But you can change you if you are doing something that triggers a certain behavior in your spouse that drives you crazy.

There are certain things about your partner which you can’t and shouldn’t change and certain agreements the two of you may never agree upon. The important thing is not to hinge an entire relationship upon one disagreement. If you agree on a hundred things, but she doesn’t like the way you flirt with women – You’d probably be wise to work on fixing that one thing. If the thought of not flirting or being completely honest with your spouse seems impossible or like something you couldn’t do, there are some extreme self-evaluations that need to take place.

We’d like to think jealousy is always an irrational emotion from an angry woman, but very often, there is a cause of her jealousy. Where there is a cause, there is a solution.

101 Questions For Couples

WARNING! These are not the fun ‘getting to know you’ questions. This isn’t lighthearted stuff. This is REAL. The meat and potatoes of marriage. These are things marriages die over and they’re not always fun to discuss. They may be boring (like finances) or bring some heartache.

I’m going to be honest. You may read this list with your significant other – And it may not make a damn bit of difference. Some people are determined to be together no matter what the cost. Even when they shouldn’t. The only thing not included is… “Where do we go for dinner?” (Bad news – Couples have probably been fighting about this since Cro Magnon man threw carcasses down in front of the family cave for dinner).

When you meet someone and it feels like the moon and stars align in perfect harmony with the sun, and the sky is brighter, birds sing more sweetly, etc., nothing will convince you otherwise that red flags exist. New love blinds us. For the first years of a relationship, everything is beyond beautiful. When reality sets in, it’s scary as hell to realize you walked down the aisle with someone you fundamentally disagree with on most life issues.

If you’ve been fooled before, you will understand how important these questions are. They are the life blood of your relationship, things that will make or break your marriage. And you need to discuss them. Save this list, curl up in front of a fire together and discuss!

1. Do you hope getting married, someday, might change a few of your partner’s behaviors?
2. Does your partner’s use of drugs or alcohol make you uncomfortable?
3. Does your partner tend to act inappropriately after using substances?
4. Do you have any concerns about your partner being inappropriate with others?
5. Is your partner the jealous type? Will their jealousy affect you having a life outside the relationship?
6. Do you ever wonder if your partner is honest with you?
7. Are you concerned over the way your partner solves problems?
8. Does your partner’s moodiness cause problems?
9. Do you disagree with your partner’s ideas on acceptable social behavior?
10. Do either of you ever worry about the other having issues with gambling?
11. Is your partner often unhappy and depressed?
12. Do you feel like your partner is not very confident or competent?
13. Do you feel like your partner never listens to you?
14. Does your partner feel like you don’t listen to them?
15. Are you unable to express yourself clearly to your partner?
16. Is your partner unwilling most of the time to share their feelings?
17. Do you ever feel like your partner doesn’t know himself/herself well?
18. Are there issues you know your partner will refuse to discuss?
19. Will your partner avoid conflict, communication, etc. just to keep the peace at any price?
20. Does your partner find it difficult to let go of past hurts?
21. Do you and your partner have a hard time agreeing on a good time to communicate?
22. Is it hard for you to say you are sorry after a disagreement in which you were at fault?
23. Is it hard for your partner to say they are sorry after a disagreement in which they were at fault?
24. Do you find yourself somewhat uncomfortable or unable to relax around your partner?
25. Do you feel like, if you needed your partner, they would not be there for you when you needed support?
26. If you are having a disagreement with someone, will your partner automatically take the other person’s side and play devil’s advocate?
27. Have you avoided discussing how you will solve problems and disputes in your relationship?
28. Do you think your partner must agree with you at all times?
29. Do you think the way problems are solved in your relationships really needs to change?
30. Do you feel like your partner always feels they have to win?
31. Is there never a feeling of compromise in your relationship where you are never met halfway or never find a new solution agreeable to you both?
32. Do you feel your partner’s way of showing anger or disapproval is extreme?
33. Do you worry about abuse or keep silent due to past abuses?
34. Does your partner ever give you the silent treatment?
35. Does your partner ever put you down?
36. Does your partner’s behavior ever frighten you?
37. Do you feel like your partner disrespects or disagrees with you on religious values?
38. Is spirituality and thoughts on religion something you can’t seem to agree on?
39. If you had children, do the two of you disagree on how much religion will have an influence on your children and what faith they will be raised in?
40. Do the two of you disagree on having children, how many you may be willing to have and when you will be willing to have children?
41. Do the two of you disagree on how your children will be disciplined?
42. Do the two of you disagree on general parenting roles and what responsibilities each should have?
43. Do you disagree that your relationship is the most important and the foundation of your family?
44. Do you you feel your partner’s family doesn’t accept you?
45. Do you feel like your partner’s family interferes in your life too much?
46. Do you feel like your partner’s family demands way too much time of your partner?
47. Do you fear raising children around this family?
48. Do you feel like the family customs are something you would prefer not to be involved with?
49. Is the level of sexual involvement with your partner satisfactory?
50. Does your partner’s sexual demands leave you feeling uncomfortable?
51. Do you feel like you can’t openly discuss sexual matters with your partner?
52. Do you feel like you are in the dark about what happens if one of you would be unfaithful to the marriage?
53. Do you worry about your partner’s sexual orientation?
54. Do either of you bring relationship baggage from past relationships into this one that affect the relationship negatively?
55. Do you ever feel like you partner uses sex to control you?
56. Do you have any disagreements about sex or intimacy?
57. Would it bother you if your partner’s stress or a life change caused an interruption in your sex life?
58. Do you think your spouse spends money foolishly?
59. Do you ever have conflicts regarding how to make financial decisions?
60. Are there disagreements over how financial responsibilities should be divided?
61. Are there disagreements about whether you should have shared accounts or separate accounts?
62. Do you believe in budgeting money in one way while your partner completely disagrees?
63. Is there ever any refusal to talk about how the two of you will manage assets and debts?
64. Are you dissatisfied with your future security?
65. Does your partner’s irresponsible use of credit disturb you?
66. Do you both have more expenses than income coming in?
67. Would it bother you if your spouse made more money than you?
68. Would it bother you if your spouse took care of the home while you worked?
69. Is anyone on the outside pressuring you to get married?
70. Do you feel like you can only ever be happy if you are in a relationship?
71. Do you believe a whirlwind romance should take the place of waiting and allowing a relationship to develop with time?
72. Do you have concerns that maybe your partner is not the right one for you?
73. Do you secretly feel that maybe this person might love you now, but that the commitment might not last a lifetime?
74. Do you think marriage often solves major problems in a relationship?
75. Do your friends or family object to your relationship?
76. Do you ever worry about your partner’s past relationships or have concerns about their feelings towards past exes?
77. Do you feel like the lifestyle changes associated with merging lives might be too stressful?
78. Are you insistent that the relationship never change and if you ever don’t feel “in love” you will believe the relationship has failed?
79. Do you believe as long as you love each other, you will never have conflicts?
80. Are you uncomfortable with your partner’s future career plans?
81. Do you feel your partner is not affectionate enough?
82. Are there qualities of your partner that you just do not respect?
83. Do you feel some of your partner’s friends are bad influences?
84. Does your partner refuse to let you hang out with some of your friends or give you grief over it?
85. Do you feel that you both share in the decision-making process?
86. Does your partner’s ideas on managing your home meet your standards?
87. Do you feel like you don’t have many shared goals or ambitions?
88. Do you disagree on how to balance family and career life?
89. Do you worry your partner is too involved in their career?
90. Do you feel like you just don’t spend enough time together as a couple?
91. Does your partner not deal very well with change?
92. Is there any issue where your partner has friends of the opposite sex that cause you discomfort or worry?
93. Do your ideas on how important status or the appearance of money, wealth or power disagree with those of your partner?
94. Does your partner’s lack of enthusiasm for traditions put a damper on holidays or other special occasions?
95. Do you have issues with your partner’s personal hygiene and think they smell bad, don’t groom themselves well enough, etc?
96. Does your partner’s views on pornography, strip clubs and other social titillation bother you?
97. If you wanted to make a large purchase, would you feel as if you needed to hide it from your partner?
98. Is there any tension in the household over one wanting pets/not wanting pets or the types of pets involved?
99. Are there frequently arguments regarding the tidiness of the house and who should clean what?
100. Does your partner have any hobbies or activities that much of their life revolves around but drive you absolutely crazy?
101. Do you feel you have not reached a level of understanding with your partner’s political views that could cause problems?

Pshew. That’s a lot to take in, isn’t it? But we hope you both were able to answer a resounding ‘NO!’ to most of the questions on this list. Having ‘Yes’s doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It just highlights the areas which may need more discussion and thought before taking the plunge.