Reality TV has saturated the time-tested status quo of friendship with new rules. From the scripted Desperate Housewives, Sex in the City, Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl, etc. to the juicy, diabolical not-so-ordinary lives of The Real Housewives, Kardashians, etc. In the process, friendship has been redefined in ways impossible to maintain.
Pictures with quotes appear on social media telling us how we should live and love. While some realize all the Facebook quotes about friendship are…well, bullshit. Others tend to make them their gospel. Preach, sister.
With ‘friendship’ being redefined before our eyes, we adopt too many rules, expectations, etc. of those we call friends. Friendship with someone with too many expectations is like a minefield. You’ll find yourself tip-toeing lightly, terrified of setting them off.
It’s time to dial back these guerrilla expectations of friendship. What makes a “Friendzilla”? Read on.
Your friends are not allowed to like people you do not like
“Oh, HELL no. Didn’t I make it clear to her what kind of person Suzy Q was? Then why do I see her in party pictures from Saturday night at Suzy’s house? What the hell was that about? I’ve told her Suzy is bad news and she still insists on going over there laughing with her, drinking her wine and chatting it up? Disgusting. I just can’t hang out with people with morals like that who aren’t smart enough to smell a rat. They were probably talking about me. After all, I know that’s what we would be doing if she were at my house. We’d be talking smack on Suzy. We love bitching about other bitches being bitches.”
Maybe you didn’t notice, but this makes your friends extremely uncomfortable… because they don’t think Suzy is all that bad.
You get mad if they don’t call, text or go out with you on your timeline
“Friends talk every day on the phone! Everyone knows this! Or, at least, everyone who is friends with me should know this. What the hell could she have to do that is more important than talking to me? Why can’t she multitask holding a phone to her ear while changing her baby, picking up the kids from school, folding laundry, and cooking dinner like I can?”
Why can’t your friend who works full time call you on her lunch break? Is it that damn difficult? Because she has responsibilities. You are important to her, but her life is too.
You expect them to share all the same opinions you do
“Don’t they know that Trump is the worst president everrrrrrr? How can she say he’s not that bad? You can’t be friends with someone like that! Ugh! How gross. And they don’t like ‘Sex in the City’?! What is wrong with them! It’s the best show of the 21st Century! I can’t believe she doesn’t like ‘Twilight’ or ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – What does she mean it’s like they are the same book with sex? What a prude.”
Yeah, you don’t need friends with such stupid opinions. Who cares that she bailed you out of jail, watched your kids for a month, or held you while you mourned the loss of your brother? Differences of opinion are just that. “Anyone who likes X is a B” is a mentality which sets you up for disastrous relationships. Look at who they are by their actions. That tells you all you need to know.
You expect them to follow a ‘girl code’ nobody can define
“Wooooow. She’s dating my ex-boyfriend? From middle school? Didn’t she know you are supposed to wait 40 years and then ask permission? This is so not cool. Almost as not cool as the time she dated the guy I liked first, but couldn’t date because he was a Sagittarius. It’s the GIRL CODE, stupid! Look it up!! Where? Oh, well you can’t, but like, it’s common sense stuff that every girl should know, right? There’s not a King James Version or anything. But still, date a guy I once thought was cute and said so first, I’ll cut you.”
If you’re asking people not to cross invisible lines in the sand or to follow a rule book that is not clearly defined and in print, why be mad when they break a ‘girl code’?
You get mad they can’t drop anything at anytime to help you
“Your mother’s funeral? What kind of excuse is that? You’re having a health and wellness party where you can buy your multi-level marketing product at half off! Half off!!! What is wrong with these stupid bitches? This is the deal of the century and they’re going to miss it! They’re so selfish for not helping a friend reach Platinum Level! Okay, so what time does burying your mother finish? Because I’m sure you can make it in time for vodka martinis and a game of Cards Against Humanity afterwards. It’s going to be so much fun! “Can’t wait to see you! I’ll leave the catalogue out so you can look at it when you get here…”
Your friends would love to be there for you. But if you guilt trip them, ignore their needs or are too demanding, don’t be surprised when they turn their backs on you.
You get too jealous when your friends exceed you in looks, finances, relationships, etc. and become bitter towards them
“Who the hell does she think she is being happy when my husband just left me? What kind of B.S. is this? Posting photos with her new man, talking about her new job and how great her life is right now. It’s effing ridiculous. That’s what it is. She should have some concern for all the people who aren’t as stupid happy as she is. Obviously, the rest of us aren’t doing as well and she should take that into consideration before posting that happy crap all in our faces. “The best sign of a relationship is no sign of it on Facebook” – Status update. Done. That should show her! Ugh…and the new job! She just wants to brag about how much money she’ll be making while the rest of us struggle to find work. What a terrible person.”
If you can’t be happy for your friends, they can’t be happy for you.
You stop talking to them if you disapprove of who they are with
“Ew. What does she see in him? He’s not even cute. He looks like Steve Carrell. He’s so frickin’ ugly. Barf. And he doesn’t even know how to dress! What the hell is he wearing? Looks like he stole one of Screech’s outfits from Saved By the Bell. I mean, he’s cute in a weird way, I guess, but not for her. Their personalities and astrological qualities are a disaster waiting to happen and I’m going to be the first to say “I told you so!” when it goes bust. What an idiot! Maybe I should start some gossip to make this happen a little faster. Oh, she will thank me later when she realizes I was right and what a loser he is.”
When you question your friend’s romantic partners, you are questioning more than just the guy. You are questioning their choices. It can be highly insulting when you find the love of your life only to have your girlfriends treat him like crap because they don’t like him. The truth is, you may be right about him. But it’s her life to live and her mistakes to make. Respect her as a friend, but keep your opinions about her boyfriend being a loser to yourself and hang out with your friend on your own if her boyfriend bugs you so much. She’s a big girl. If he’s really a loser, she’ll realize it soon enough.
You think ‘Three is a crowd’
“Um, no. I like Amber. But you two go to see that movie without me? Just because you know I hate Ryan Reynolds and will never, ever go see something with him in it, ever, and told you “No”? Excuse me? That means, and let me spell it out for you in big letters – MOVIE DATE CANCELED – Meaning, you don’t just run off with Amber to see it. In fact, you and ME are besties, right? So why the hell do you even need Amber anymore? She’s just extra baggage. She’s just another ear who will hear your secrets and might tell people. Haven’t you ever heard to ‘keep your circle small’? You’re ruining our small circle. Stop needing other people’s approval. All you need is me.”
At one time or another, many of us have ended up in needy, clingy relationships. We surely don’t need needy, clingy friends as well. This kind of attitude is just creepy and screams insecurity. It’s the kind of behavior they warn about in bad romantic relationships. It’s a good warning in friendships, too.
You push them to do things that violate their standards
“Quit being such a buzzkill. One more round of shots isn’t going to kill you. No, girl. Literally. Take this last shot of Fireball. Oh geez, you’ve only had seven! What’s one more? The club doesn’t close for another hour. Trust me. You’ll dance it off and then you’ll be just fine to drive home. Oh my God! That guy is still checking you out. You should totally just walk up and kiss him. Go home with him! You’re stupid if you don’t because he is hot. Seriously, you will never get an opportunity like this again. You’ll regret it. He could be THE ONE. You’d never know it because you are being chickenshit. You’ll thank me for this later. I promise. Go do it!!”
Maybe you enjoy your role as being the devil on their shoulder, but the truth is, you are encouraging your friend to make bad decisions which can be outright dangerous. If someone is really your friend, you worry about their wellbeing, not encourage them to push beyond their comfort zone into doing things they don’t feel comfortable with.
You expect them to read your mind
“Hmm…Why isn’t she taking the hint? I’ve already hit her with a hundred passive aggressive memes. I can’t just say it. That would make me look really bad. It would be…confrontational. You can’t just tell someone what you’re thinking! Oh Lord, no! You have to Google the perfect meme!”
From everything I’ve learned about memes & quotes…
Memes about friends who aren’t there for you = You haven’t called me today. I’m mad
Memes making fun of people posting about their relationships online = I’m jealous. Please stop
Memes making fun of girls wearing makeup = Stop being prettier than me
See?! It’s like girl morse code. Learn to read it; Or face their wrath.
You judge them by how much they do for you, not how much they love you
“Seriously. Candy bought me a scarf and a bottle of perfume. What did you buy me? When I had a party, Candy bought me a jug of homemade moonshine. Candy helped me move when I needed someone with a truck. Candy came to my party and bought $150 worth of my products to help me reach Platinum level. Candy got me an autographed copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ (and even told the author to ignore the stain on the inside of the book – That’s a true friend!). What have you done for me? Oh yeah, your mother died. Whatever. Some excuse. Maybe Candy should be my new best friend! Wait…what? What do you mean “Good luck to Candy”?
I once had a friend I loved dearly, but I couldn’t attend her destination wedding in the Caribbean. I simply couldn’t afford it at the time. As a result, I became a HORRIBLE person. Not to mention, the wedding was on New Year’s Eve and I’d already had plans made a year in advance. Mind you, I was never asked to be a bridesmaid. I was just asked to attend. Not surprisingly, she canceled the entire event in a tearful e-mail telling everyone how it seemed like nobody cared about her big day.
This was a friend whom I’d talked to during her boyfriend’s deployments and we’d developed a friendship online. She became downright vindictive and nasty after that. All the kind things I’d done for her meant nothing because of the one thing I couldn’t do for her – Pay thousands to attend a wedding and cancel all other plans.
Friendships are a give and take. Lives get busy, people get busy. Expect nothing of your friends other than that they be good decent people, and you will not be disappointed.