“Where were you last night?”
“Where were you really?”
“Are you sure?”
“Were there women there?”
Every Saturday morning after your Friday poker night with the guys, this is what you wake up to the next day. Or if you are really lucky, you’ll get it as soon as you walk in the door that night.
“Why does she always think I am cheating?”
It can be frustrating if you are an upstanding, good man who is going to do exactly what he says he’s going to do – Play poker, try to take all his friends’ money and then come home and cuddle up next to her. Truly, that’s all you want out of life on a Friday night. Why is it so hard for her to see this?
Did you cheat on her in the past?
Cheating leaves residual scars. If you’ve cheated once, no matter how badly you feel about it and how much you wish you could go back and erase the whole incident – It’s something you may never live down. She may always have what you could do, what you did do in the back of her mind.
What to do: Be where you say you will be. As difficult as it is, if the relationship is that important to you, allow her full access to your phone if she really needs to see it (Yeah, this sucks and is a violation of privacy, but if you have nothing to feel guilty about – Do it!) If you’re the letter-writing type, write her a detailed letter explaining why you will never cheat again and what you learned from it. Tell her the exact reasons you don’t feel the need to cheat again. This is a woman who’s taken a big leap in trusting you again.
In this situation, there is very little you can do but thank your lucky stars she forgave you and move forward covering your tracks at all times until the years erase the pain.
Was she with a past cheater?
How much fun is it being punished for something you didn’t do? Being with someone who has faced cheating, abuse and a nightmare violation of trust can be a challenge. It may require a huge heart willing to love someone through the trauma and help them heal. In the end, it can be worth it, but not without helping her work through her pain.
What to do: Hold her and tell her you are not him. Explain to her you are a simple man who prefers not to live lies and a man who believes in vows, loyalty and fidelity. Express sympathy for what she went through in the situation, calmly, while expressing why you feel it’s not fair to make you walk in another man’s shoes.
Do the friends she surrounds herself with, the movies, TV shows and books she reads make her think ALL men are destined to cheat?
You might feel like you have no chance here. Her friend’s husband cheated. So now you must be a cheater, too. She watches TV shows where everyone is cheating on everyone else. Her favorite movie is ‘Gone Girl’. Everything she watches revolves around men being cheating, lying scum. How could you possibly be an exception? In her mind, it’s not IF you will cheat. She’s wondering WHEN.
What to do: Watch those movies and TV shows with her. Act just as shocked as she does. “Wow! I can’t believe someone would do that to their wife!” Get upset with her that her friend’s husband did such a thing. Let her know you think guys who cheat are scum, too. It doesn’t matter if you thought Brad was a cool guy…Don’t side with Brad. Ever! Lest you want to be seen as being cut from the same cloth of infidelity he came from.
How does she feel about herself? Is she happy with her appearance?
Most women are not totally happy with their appearance. If they were totally happy, cosmetics companies, plastic surgeons, diet programs, etc. would not be so popular, right? Maybe she feels like crap about herself, looks at you, and genuinely thinks you could probably do better. These are the sick places a woman’s mind will roam when unhappy with her own body or looks.
What to do: Make her feel beautiful. Tell her constantly she is the most beautiful woman you know. Compliment specific things about her appearance so she knows you’re not full of it. Tell her why you fell in love with her and mean it. In our appearance-obsessed society, there are some couples where one partner is not conventionally seen as attractive as the other. “Why the hell is she with him?” may be asserted by others without realizing the damaging effect this can have on the self worth of the people actually in the relationship.
Are you too flirtatious with other women?
I’ve seen some guys ask, “Dude, why does she always think I’m cheating?” when two seconds before they were chatting it up with a gorgeous redhead, flashing that smile…The one his wife thinks is so devastating.
She thinks you’re a catch. She thinks you are truly something special. Otherwise, she wouldn’t get upset when you’re surrounded by a bevy of women hanging onto your every word. Some people are natural flirts and can’t help it and maybe this is you…and that’s fine. It may be part of your charm and charisma that follows you and it might be a near impossible personality trait to change. However, you can check the way you talk to other women. If you’re leaning too far in, making constant eye contact and not inviting your wife into the conversation, it can make even the most secure woman a little uncomfortable.
What to do: Make it clear to your partner you are just talking. Invite her into the conversation. Find a parallel between a woman you are speaking with and your wife, right away. If she mentions a TV show, mention your wife loves it, too. She likes dancing?
“Oh, you love salsa dancing? My wife is one of the best! Baby, come here and meet Susan.” If your wife is nowhere in sight, make sure you mention her kindly. Nobody can mistake a man for being flirtatious when he’s speaking fondly of his wife. Interestingly enough, you will increase your respect with women when you speak flattering words about your partner.
Do you have a problem telling white lies and small lies that just don’t add up?
There are many people who have problems with pathological lying. Some people say things without thought as to why they are even lying. How many times has she caught you in a lie? If you lie to her about the small things, in her mind it is only a matter of time before you start lying about the bigger things.
What to do: Honesty is the best policy. Tell the truth. Even when it’s painful. You will never have a good relationship if you have a problem with lying. If it’s pathological and you know you have a serious problem, seek professional help.
Are you consistent?
Trust is built by always being where you say you are going to be, when you are going to be there and who you are going to be with. It’s built by having respectable boundaries with other women. It’s built by not sending texts or private messaging others with anything you would not want your wife to see. If you are secretive about your phone, vague about where you are going, what you’re doing and who is there or lie about any of this – even once – You run the risk of permanently damaging trust.
What to do: If you want to earn someone’s trust, be trustworthy. Be who they expect you to be and don’t do things that would embarrass or humiliate them. Live so if someone told an outright lie about you, nobody would dare believe it.
If you have gone through all this and still can’t find any reason why she may not trust you, it’s very possible that she may have some undiagnosed psychological cause the both of you may need to uncover with a qualified therapist.
The most important thing to remember is not to lose patience with your wife. Even thought it’s obnoxious, annoying and may make you less attracted to her because jealousy is such an ugly quality – It’s always worth it to first examine yourself to see if there is anything you may not have thought about that’s setting off the behavior.
You can’t change your partner – But you can change you if you are doing something that triggers a certain behavior in your spouse that drives you crazy.
There are certain things about your partner which you can’t and shouldn’t change and certain agreements the two of you may never agree upon. The important thing is not to hinge an entire relationship upon one disagreement. If you agree on a hundred things, but she doesn’t like the way you flirt with women – You’d probably be wise to work on fixing that one thing. If the thought of not flirting or being completely honest with your spouse seems impossible or like something you couldn’t do, there are some extreme self-evaluations that need to take place.
We’d like to think jealousy is always an irrational emotion from an angry woman, but very often, there is a cause of her jealousy. Where there is a cause, there is a solution.