Surviving a Sociopath

If you are feeling lost, hurt, desperate, devastated, stunned, horrified, terrified, and like the world has been turned upside down, this is for you.

From the moment we have been born, we were taught this is a safe world by all public programming. If we had good parents, they made us feel safe. If they didn’t, sometimes our teachers did, someone did. Our morning cartoons showed everything was bright, colorful and happy.

It’s hard to believe, with this beautiful world we have been raised in, there are rapists, murderers, pedophiles, or evil people who exist. What is even more sad is that our view of the world is largely shaped by who we are. If you are a genuinely good person, you initially tend to think other people are good, too. You may think the world is full of wonderful people and the bad are few and far between.

The model we have grown accustomed to is that in which there is a bad guy…and a bunch of good people. In the end, a good guy steps in to lead the good people and they defeat the bad guy. It’s the same story over repeated. The bad guy always gets his come-uppance in the end.

Real life is far different.

In reality, sometimes the bad guys win. Sometimes they step in with their sociopathic stares and rip your life to shreds while you can only stand by and helplessly watch. Others around you look at you and say, “Why are you doing nothing? Why did you do nothing? Stand up for yourself!”

But when you stand up for yourself, the sociopath uses your aggression against you and claims you bullied them.

So here you are.

You’ve faced the worst of the worst at the hands of someone else or you have faced tragedy, by its own accord, which has brought you to your knees. Whatever happened to you, it was completely unfair. You didn’t deserve this. Even worse, the sociopath will dig deep into your life and find any crack to exploit in order to show that maybe, just maybe, you did deserve this. Forget all their misdeeds, their transgressions (Oh, and they are many). They have their laser focus on yours.

They are determined to tear you apart. They are going to find every last shred of confidence you have and obliterate it. They will ruthlessly cut the bond of every friendship you ever had. They will not stop until you break down and, even then, they will keep on going. They will smile if they hear they have pushed you to the point of taking your own life. They would even attend your funeral to pretend they really care.

This is what we are dealing with. This is the type of sadistic evil which exists on this planet. Thankfully, most people will never know until they have crossed paths with one of these people.

They are Sociopaths. And they are the closest you will ever get to meeting the devil in human form.

Realize you are not alone

If you’ve had the unfortunate experience of having a run-in with a sociopath, you need to know that you are not alone, first and foremost. That’s why this article exists. That’s why there are many articles across the Internet on the same topic. Sociopaths aren’t some psychobabble boogeyman. They are real and their affects on the lives of their victims can be horrific, even tragic.

Whatever is happening, right now, get through it

I know it feels like this is IT. The end of it all. They are actively destroying you, your reputation, everything you love about yourself, but realize this is only temporary. How many scandals do you remember in the national news? We live in an era so hungry for drama that yesterday’s drama is forgotten next week. I know it feels like this damage is forever, but it’s not. Hang in there. Survive.

Ditch anyone involved who watches this happen and does nothing

These people are NOT your friends. Do not befriend those who will not defend people who are actively being hurt. You will be sickened to realize many people will defend the abuser because they are weak and afraid to stand up for themselves. Do not associate with cowards. They will turn on you in a heartbeat whenever someone they perceive as more powerful is in the vicinity. They might seem like nice people, but cowards never make good friends. Cut ties with them permanently. I know it sounds harsh and some of them WILL come back and try to make you feel bad for cutting them off, but they know why. Let them go.

Realize you are NOT a Coward

They may be exasperated with you for not fighting back and may even act disgusted with you for your lack of “bravery”. But here is the thing — As said earlier, you cannot win when fighting with a sociopath. You have a conscience, a very precious gift. They do not. They will stoop to any level to hurt you. If you do the same, you will feel horrible about it and they will exploit your kindness to make you feel bad for defending yourself. You are not a coward — You are SMART to walk away and realize there is no sense in engaging sociopaths. They’re not worth it. You are. The only reason they, and all their followers, want to see a fight is because they thrive on drama and discontentment. Don’t be discouraged. What other people say about you is none of your business. Refuse to care. Focus on taking care of yourself.

Seek validation

Find people who know your struggle, what you are going through and are on your side. Let them talk. Let them assure you that you are the one in the right. Be careful of speaking yourself. Because some truly evil sociopaths will use others to gain your trust and then exploit you for information which they will then report back to the sociopath. (Of course, if you’re very cheeky, supply them with some false information to see if it comes back to you!) Trust your gut. Receive the validation, but tread carefully.

Find the Truth-Seekers

The friends you do want are the ones who have such a great relationship with the truth, they want nothing to do with people who come to them with gossip. Truth seekers will always ask for the other side of the story. They will not accept half-truths. They will examine everything brought to them with detachment because they know what truth looks like. They also know someone who barely talked to them before coming forward with damning information likely has ulterior motives. These people are smart, cautious and probably aren’t buying the sociopath’s bull.

Take care of #1

That’s you! In this period of stress, grief, pain, mourning and suffering, take care of yourself. Treat yourself to the small things that make you happy. Buy your favorite food, watch your favorite movies, read books, play sports, pamper yourself, give yourself a spa day, go get your hair done, do whatever you usually do to relieve stress. You’ve just been through some crappy times. You deserve it!

Roll with the Relapses

Some days you are going to feel strong. Others will feel like you can’t even get out of bed. Acknowledge that some days are going to be like this. Lift yourself off the floor and keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you can afford the downtime, go with it. Treat yourself, as earlier suggested. Get in the car and go on a day trip. Go through the motions. Do what you have to do. Keep waiting it out and that day will come when you feel alive again. Just don’t quit.

Cut All Ties

This not only means people. In many cases, you will have to look at all ways in which this person is able to get to you. Get away from them no matter what the cost. The hardest thing about all this is that we often have to abandon friends we didn’t want to abandon, places we loved going, social media connections, etc. Seal yourself off from this person through any means necessary and don’t feel bad about it for a second. This is a key art of self preservation. You don’t need them. They need you. They need your reactions to their drama. They need your reactions for entertainment. They, however, are expendable to you. Change your phone number, if needed. Block them from social media accounts. Delete social media accounts. Do what you have to do.

Don’t Look Back

Once you have distanced yourself from this person, do not ever go back. They may try to “talk” to you. Anyone who has talked to a sociopath can tell you they have no interest in apologizing. Though they may apologize for you – “I’m sorry YOU misunderstood ME” or “I’m sorry YOU were offended”. Don’t be fooled. These are not apologies. They want to talk to you about how you (supposedly) hurt them. They want an opportunity to pluck your strings and play a song called ‘Guilt’. They want you to feel bad. Don’t. You owe them nothing. Not a single second of your time. You don’t owe them a phone call. You don’t owe them a text. You don’t owe them coffee, lunch, dinner — NOTHING. Keep on walking.

Reclaim Your Life

When you successfully cut ties, you will start feeling relief. Because they aren’t there judging your life anymore. They aren’t there looking for ways they can exploit or hurt you. You can move on. You can breathe again. Now is the time when you rebuild. Make your life better than it was. Consider it a “purge” of horrible people. You should be left with truth-seekers and genuine people. Don’t be sad or feel defeated. You won.

Here’s the thing about sociopaths — They have little capacity to feel guilt, regret, or remorse and this transfers to all their emotions. It means they don’t feel the full depth of joy like you can. Wrap yourself in it and realize all the gifts you have they will never possess because good always stays away from evil.

Sociopaths will never have anything good in their life. Anything good won’t want to be near them or associate with them. If you are thinking of sociopaths you know that have loads of money or material possessions, just realize none of these things will ever bring them joy. Because they have the inability, at their core, to feel it. This is where you are different from them. Even though it feels like you are going through hell, please look at this as a way to reset you on the journey you were meant to be on.

This is not your end. This is your beginning.

Feel free to leave your story of survival in the comments for all those going through this painful experience. Nobody should go through this feeling alone.

I Was Sexually Assaulted; And It Was Partly My Fault

A good 15 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by a co-worker.

I’ve rarely talked about it, but not for the reasons you might think. Not because there was “rape shame” or anything like that but because if I did talk about it, people would hate me for what I have to say about the experience.

In essence, I believe at least 50% of what happened was my fault and I accept full responsibility. I am a victim, but I am not a victim.

In today’s social climate, this opinion is abhorrent to feminists the world over. I get that. How dare I say a sexual assault was my fault? Did I cause the guy and his friend to do what they did? Was I responsible for their disgusting behavior? Absolutely not. I refuse to take the blame for their part of this pain.

Here is what I am responsible for:

I am responsible for going out with a group of co-workers and mistaking them for friends. I thought the female co-workers would look out for me. They didn’t.

I am responsible for thinking my male co-workers were more upstanding than they were. They were not.

I am responsible for over-consuming alcohol and allowing people to buy me drinks when I could not be positive of their intentions. The intentions weren’t good.

I am responsible for being scantily dressed. Yes, I dressed up “for myself” to make myself feel beautiful and sexy and I fully agree, men need to be honorable and do better. But I was naive in my thinking that nobody would mistake my intentions for dressing the way I was dressed.

One of the ones who assaulted me whispered, “You’ve been teasing me all night in that skirt!” as if it were my fault. Looking back, I will partially accept blame. I dressed a certain way and got treated a certain way. Nobody ever wants to hear or acknowledge this, but the fact remains.

I am responsible for allowing myself to be pulled into a car with a male co-worker and his friends thinking their intentions were honorable in driving me back to their house for the after party. They were not.

I am responsible for my stupidity, my naiveté and my belief that all people are basically good people. They are not.

Today, we are told it’s 100% the fault of the man and we have done nothing wrong. We are taught about the way all men should behave. I fully agree, but the truth is that they don’t all behave this way. The sadder truth is this; We will never be able to stop things that have been occurring since the dawn of man. The even sadder truth is that in the hysteria of blaming men, we lose stressing important lessons that could save more women from assault.

We can teach our sons to do better for women. We can teach them to be kind, be gentle, to be caring. We can teach them the best we can, but nobody knows what causes some men to stray off the path of righteousness. Bad mothers sometimes raise good men. Good mothers sometimes raise rapists and murderers.

We can march and storm the streets. We can campaign to our heart’s content. We can scream injustice from the rooftops. It does nothing. It still won’t stop a man overcome with lust and devoid of conscience. But we can do our best.

The only way we can stop these things from happening is the answer a lot of feminists are deeply uncomfortable with – We must change ourselves.

Living in a “Me”-centric society, this idea is angering to many. Why should we have to change? This is victim-blaming! Why can’t men just start being better people?

Because it’s not reality. It’s not the way the world works. In many aspects of society, we must learn we can’t control other people…and in some aspects, we shouldn’t. The only real control we have is over ourselves.

Know the difference between preventable sexual assault and non-preventable sexual assault
Yes, there is a difference. Yes, we can sometimes STOP sexual assault before it happens, but it means admitting some hard truths about our own behaviors. If we don’t admit the truth about our behaviors and how they could contribute to an assault, we open the door to be victimized repeatedly. There is nothing more powerful than realizing the ways you could stop this from happening and applying these things to your own life.

In the case of non-preventable sexual assault, they come from situations where you have little to no control or social pressures force you into situations where you are with someone you should be able to trust like a teacher, a counselor, a coach, religious clergy, a parent, family, etc. Arguably, I should have been able to trust my co-workers.

In some situations, we can’t help being forced to interact with someone alone. These are the victims my heart breaks for. They are the ones who will deal with lifelong trust issues, PTSD, etc. For many of us, we can find comfort that we can prevent many assaults by checking our own actions.

Know your friends
If you are not sure you can 100% trust your friends, don’t put them in charge of your inebriated self.

Be aware of who you are inebriated around
I’m not saying don’t drink – ever, but when you consume drugs and alcohol, you are altering your mental state. Who can you trust fully in this inebriated state?
Think about it.

Dress for how you want to be treated
What used to be common sense is now a controversial opinion. Yes, we know men should do better. But some don’t. This is the difference between perpetual victimization and being street smart. If you want to dress provocatively, it’s also worth noting you should be with people you trust, watch what you drink and try not to be alone. Wearing some things attracts attention…and sometimes it’s attention from people whose attention you may not want focused on you.

Don’t be alone
In truth, many sexual assaults could have been prevented. Most of the time it’s because of whom we have chosen to surround ourselves with or because we have let our guard down and thought we would be safe walking through a deserted parking lot just to get to our car quickly…Yes, the ‘buddy system’ sounds corny. The truth is – It works.

Don’t give out too much information
The Internet makes it all too easy to find out information about anyone, these days. Safeguard your personal details carefully. Fifteen years ago, we were told not to ever post our real name online. Now sites like Facebook and Google almost require it just to get an account. If you associate with strangers online under your real name, they can have your address in a matter of seconds. Some sites give the names of people close to you. Some people even have photos of their children on prominent display. Alarmist? Maybe. But can you ever be too careful?

Sometimes women end up giving their address out to complete strangers who claim interest in an item they are selling online. Just a few clicks away is that person’s profile, often photos of them, their house, their children, their possessions, their lives. Never has it been more easy for criminals to fully case a target before making a move.

There is no victim-blaming here. Believe me, the hardest thing I ever did was have to sit down and reason out how I could stop this from happening to myself ever again. There is comfort in the acknowledgment horrible things can be prevented if we are willing to examine our own actions and behaviors and how they might contribute to the unspeakable. This coming from someone who was careless and learned her lesson well.

Ladies, I’m not saying we can’t be sexy and dress to express ourselves. But do it in packs. Do it with women you know will have your back. Don’t dress yourself in a meat dress like Lady Gaga and wander into a pack of wolves, alone, thinking you will walk out the other side unscathed. Know your surroundings, know who you’re with and be careful. Prevention is something that should be discussed much more than it is.

Loving a Woman After Abuse

You found her. She’s hypnotizing. Everything you always wanted. She is kind, loving… and so heartbreakingly fragile. Loving her scares you. She’s not like other girls you’ve loved before. She’s been through something. She’s a walking contradiction; Sometimes strong, but sometimes weak. She’s cool like the surface of a pond, but sometimes anger comes like a storm over her horizon with white hot lightning tears indicating her inner turmoil.

She may confess that her last relationship was tough, but she may have a hard time explaining why. She doesn’t know how to explain the depth of the trauma she has experienced, yet you can see it in her haunted eyes. There’s so much in her soul. She has so much to say, but can never put it into words.

She wants to love again, but she’s terrified.

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She wants to love with an open heart and no reservations. She wants to jump out of the plane and feel the exhilaration of falling in love, but she needs to know her parachute  will open. She needs to know you’ll bring her safely back down to the ground after the rush. What she needs most, right now, is a protector, but at the same time she’s afraid. The last time someone offered to protect her, he hurt her immeasurably. Imagine the horror of following someone’s lead in jumping out of the plane…only to find you are pulling your ripcord and nothing breaks your fall?

Be patient. Time will heal all her wounds. Stay by her side until the fear subsides.

She doesn’t want to believe all men are the same

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She thinks you are amazing. But she has seen where this leads time and again. Girl friends assure her all men are the same. She will be hurt again. It’s in books, movies, everywhere – “All men are dogs”. She remembers the horrors of infidelities, the crimes of the heart, and believes the profile is true. In a hopeless state, she believes all men are destined to hurt her. When someone lies about their every move for a period of years and has numerous inconsistencies with the truth, it rattles capacity to trust to the very core.

Be consistent. Prove the theory is wrong. Admire and emulate good men. Admire the type of men you wish to be. Tell her what you admire about them and why you don’t want to pattern yourself after all the jerks she (and her friends) have known before. Be where you say you are going to be, with who you are say you are going to be with, doing what you say you are going to be doing.

Always.

Be a man of your word and possess integrity or get out of her life. In protecting her heart, it’s really that simple. Be honest or be gone.

She needs to know you. REALLY know you. So she can feel safe.

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For too long, she was locked in the dark. She gave freely of herself. She gave everything she had to give, longing for reciprocation. Instead, she received deceit, lies, anger, and abuse. Words have so much power – The power to break; The power to heal.

Be open. Nothing will soothe the savagery of a woman fraught with fear like calm, open consistent communication. Talk with her. Give her what she never had before – A crying shoulder, encouragement, honesty, an environment in which the both of you can communicate openly and without fear. You must be open with her because he wasn’t. She needs to know the truth of you because he surrounded himself with lies. She will know it’s real when she finally knows someone’s soul. Let her know yours.

She wants you to believe her.

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Good people are objective. They are slow to believe bad things they hear about others.

When speaking about the ending of a relationship, we are often cautioned, “There is HIS side, HER side…and the TRUTH, which usually lies between the two.” However, in an abusive relationship, there IS a wrong party. The most damaging thing you can do is doubt her. You are going to hear a lot about her ex. Some of it may sound completely crazy. As a good person, you will be in shock that a human would do such things to another human being. Before you doubt this woman, watch your nightly news. There are crazy people in this world and they do crazy things. It’s not just on TV.

The closer the two of you get, the more you will hear about him and this may be conflicting for you. Why is it that the more you love her to help ease her mind and make her forget him…The more she cries and talks about how he hurt her?

It’s because she needs to in order to heal. You are peeling back layers of the onion. She is realizing the way she lived wasn’t right. She is realizing you are treating her the way she deserved to be treated all along. With every consistent step she takes beside you, she realizes it really was abuse. A woman who has been truly abused will often try to avoid that word or think that other women had it worse than her. “Abuse” to many is equal to being beaten or physically assaulted. However, domestic abuse of psychological nature can be on par and sometimes even worse than physical abuse.

Be trusting. You need to believe her. Hearing about her ex’s faults and worst qualities is not comfortable. There is a notorious stigma that talking about your exes is bad or means you’re not over them, but with abuse – It’s crucial that she talk and reason out what just happened to her. It is trauma. You would not tell a 9/11 survivor to “get over it”. When she breaks down and tells you something, confirm her fears and tell her, “That is abusive. I would never do that to you.” She needs confirmation and then assurance that the nightmare is over…and time to process it.

She needs encouragement.

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Women who come from abusive relationships often neglect themselves, their hopes and dreams to be whatever their abusive partner demands they be. Chances are, somewhere down deep inside, she had dreams too. She had a person she always wanted to be and had to put it on hold. This happens in normal, non-abusive relationships, too. But in an abuse situation, she was not only discouraged from pursuing her own greatness. She was probably also told she was not good at things. She was told she was a failure. She was laughed at and ridiculed. Abusers take the very things you hold dear and turn them against you. Yes, there are people who are really that evil.

Be encouraging. Notice things she is good at doing. Compliment her. Ask her if she ever thought about doing things professionally. Notice what makes her eyes light up. Notice what she’s happy doing. Help her realize her own path again. Remind her of all her dreams and help get her the things she needs to begin pursuing her dreams again. Encourage her to be the person she was meant to be before another person sabotaged her life.

She needs gifts to be given for no reason whatsoever.

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“Why don’t abused women just leave? If someone is so bad, why not walk away?” Abusers are powerful in their toxicity. They know just how to reel their target in. When they know you are about to leave, they give you everything you always wanted. They are kind, loving, generous and will pull stunts straight out of ‘The Bachelor’ to keep a woman under their spell. It’s very hard to walk away. The man who never brought you flowers suddenly shows up with dozens of roses. They buy you what they know you’ve always wanted. The gifts come pouring in. They assault your center of guilt. If someone bought you what you always wanted – It’s hard, if not impossible to turn down in that mental state. It also fools everyone around you.
“How can you say he never loved you? He filled your house with roses!”
“How can you say he didn’t support your dreams? He bought you a guitar!”

An abuser will treat a woman horribly and then reward her like a queen. Gifts become her idea of love. It becomes all she has to look forward to. Gifts mean LOVE. It’s a hard association to break. With an abuser, it also means, “I did something wrong. You caught me. But I LOVE you.”

Be sincere. The happiest day of her life will come when you give her a big gift and she realizes you did no wrong and the gift you gave came completely from the heart because you truly love her. When realization hits, look for the happy tears when she realizes even gifts can be given without expectations or the trade-off of an abuser’s wrongdoing, but out of pure thankfulness, love and honesty.

She’s come so far already

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In leaving, she’s made a huge accomplishment. Only someone who faced abuse firsthand might realize what a huge accomplishment this is. She had to finally reach a point where all false promises, gifts, pressures of society and family to stay, glares of the judgmental, fears of violence, etc. were no longer enough to hold her down and freedom meant leaving; The chance to satisfy her very soul. She made a firm decision. She wanted happiness in life before she was gone from this earth. She decided life was too short to live in such fear, pain and misery and realized it would be better to be alone than be lied to, cheated on, discarded and made to feel like a burden.

Be proud of her. This woman is a survivor. She wants you to realize although she suffered and is stull suffering the after-effects, that she is nobody’s victim. She is a phoenix rising from the ashes. She doesn’t want to be viewed as a battered woman Public Service Announcement crouched in a corner crying. She wants you to view her as a warrior and realize that the tears she cries are not crocodile tears or tears of self pity. She wants you to realize how strong she is and not treat her like a victim, even though she still cries at night sometimes. She wants you to realize how far she’s come. She wants you to know that even the strong cry. She doesn’t want you to view her as weak. She wishes you could see a movie of what she has been through. She simply wants your respect.

She needs you to do your homework.

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Loving an abused woman comes with homework. This isn’t the young love of your twenties fraught with petty jealousies. Unfortunately, it’s a love that comes with some baggage so she needs you to know what you’re getting into. Abuse makes women into researchers. Just like you, they may be confounded with the question, “WHY would someone DO such a thing to someone?” Realize she has been told the problem has been her all along. Then something happened to open her eyes. She is learning daily about why abusers do what they do. She will be fascinated. The knowledge that she had such a low opinion of herself beaten into her mind by someone else will be angering. She’s not crazy. She’s not hellbent on vengeance. She just finally understands.

Be studious. While she is doing her own research, she needs you to do your own about her. Like you are doing now. She needs you to understand, psychologically, just why she may be the way she is right now and accept these quirks. Some part of her still fears she brought this all on herself or, scarier yet, that he has made her a clone of himself.

She needs you to know she will make loving her worth it.

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Despite what a pain in the ass she is right now…She promises, loving her will be the best thing you’ve ever done. Because she’s been in the dark, she will appreciate the light ten times more. Because she suffered in a cave of despair, the sunlight on her skin will feel a thousand times more glorious. You may think you are just an average guy and nothing special, but compared to the hell she endured, you are the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen or experienced. If you’ve ever wanted to be loved for your soul, she is the one who is capable of doing it. If you’ve never been the one to have anyone completely enraptured by you, she will be the one who lets you finally experience the full impact of ravenous love. Women who have faced abuse, rejoice in love on a scale unmatched. They have wandered through the desert, found an oasis and plan on never leaving because they know how big that desert is and how rare a genuine person is.

Be joyful. There are a lot of women out there who would not appreciate all that you are and take you for granted. Only the woman who has been through hell can appreciate heaven. And she will treat you with all the respect you deserve for your consistent, honest, genuine love.

She needs you.

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Even though it goes against all sensibility after having gone through an abusive relationship and having had “co-dependent” slapped on her. She is force fed that she needs no man. This is true. She can heal on her own and be just fine, but being with you is the next big step. You can only know you are completely healed when you can love another person with all your heart and soul without fear again. It’s another level of healing and she is putting her fragile heart out there on the line again…Because something tells her maybe you are the real deal. Maybe this time she can rest.

Be careful with her heart. If you take anything away from this article. Take this: Be the man she needs. This is no ordinary woman. This is a woman who stood in the fire and didn’t back down. This is a woman with a scarred heart doing her best to keep her belief in love alive. She is a naked soul who now knows looks, money, status, or any amount of lies built around someone is not who they are. If you are willing to help her fight through her storm, there are calmer waters ahead on a sea where the water blends with the sky horizon where a beautiful peace exists for you both.