Do You Expect Too Much of Your Friends?

Reality TV has saturated the time-tested status quo of friendship with new rules. From the scripted Desperate Housewives, Sex in the City, Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl, etc. to the juicy, diabolical not-so-ordinary lives of The Real Housewives, Kardashians, etc. In the process, friendship has been redefined in ways impossible to maintain.

Pictures with quotes appear on social media telling us how we should live and love. While some realize all the Facebook quotes about friendship are…well, bullshit. Others tend to make them their gospel. Preach, sister.

With ‘friendship’ being redefined before our eyes, we adopt too many rules, expectations, etc. of those we call friends. Friendship with someone with too many expectations is like a minefield. You’ll find yourself tip-toeing lightly, terrified of setting them off.

It’s time to dial back these guerrilla expectations of friendship. What makes a “Friendzilla”? Read on.

Your friends are not allowed to like people you do not like

“Oh, HELL no. Didn’t I make it clear to her what kind of person Suzy Q was? Then why do I see her in party pictures from Saturday night at Suzy’s house? What the hell was that about? I’ve told her Suzy is bad news and she still insists on going over there laughing with her, drinking her wine and chatting it up? Disgusting. I just can’t hang out with people with morals like that who aren’t smart enough to smell a rat. They were probably talking about me. After all, I know that’s what we would be doing if she were at my house. We’d be talking smack on Suzy. We love bitching about other bitches being bitches.”

Maybe you didn’t notice, but this makes your friends extremely uncomfortable… because they don’t think Suzy is all that bad.

You get mad if they don’t call, text or go out with you on your timeline

“Friends talk every day on the phone! Everyone knows this! Or, at least, everyone who is friends with me should know this. What the hell could she have to do that is more important than talking to me? Why can’t she multitask holding a phone to her ear while changing her baby, picking up the kids from school, folding laundry, and cooking dinner like I can?”

Why can’t your friend who works full time call you on her lunch break? Is it that damn difficult? Because she has responsibilities. You are important to her, but her life is too.

You expect them to share all the same opinions you do

“Don’t they know that Trump is the worst president everrrrrrr? How can she say he’s not that bad? You can’t be friends with someone like that! Ugh! How gross. And they don’t like ‘Sex in the City’?! What is wrong with them! It’s the best show of the 21st Century! I can’t believe she doesn’t like ‘Twilight’ or ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – What does she mean it’s like they are the same book with sex? What a prude.”

Yeah, you don’t need friends with such stupid opinions. Who cares that she bailed you out of jail, watched your kids for a month, or held you while you mourned the loss of your brother? Differences of opinion are just that. “Anyone who likes X is a B” is a mentality which sets you up for disastrous relationships. Look at who they are by their actions. That tells you all you need to know.

You expect them to follow a ‘girl code’ nobody can define

“Wooooow. She’s dating my ex-boyfriend? From middle school? Didn’t she know you are supposed to wait 40 years and then ask permission? This is so not cool. Almost as not cool as the time she dated the guy I liked first, but couldn’t date because he was a Sagittarius. It’s the GIRL CODE, stupid! Look it up!! Where? Oh, well you can’t, but like, it’s common sense stuff that every girl should know, right? There’s not a King James Version or anything. But still, date a guy I once thought was cute and said so first, I’ll cut you.”

If you’re asking people not to cross invisible lines in the sand or to follow a rule book that is not clearly defined and in print, why be mad when they break a ‘girl code’?

You get mad they can’t drop anything at anytime to help you

“Your mother’s funeral? What kind of excuse is that? You’re having a health and wellness party where you can buy your multi-level marketing product at half off! Half off!!! What is wrong with these stupid bitches? This is the deal of the century and they’re going to miss it! They’re so selfish for not helping a friend reach Platinum Level! Okay, so what time does burying your mother finish? Because I’m sure you can make it in time for vodka martinis and a game of Cards Against Humanity afterwards. It’s going to be so much fun! “Can’t wait to see you! I’ll leave the catalogue out so you can look at it when you get here…”

Your friends would love to be there for you. But if you guilt trip them, ignore their needs or are too demanding, don’t be surprised when they turn their backs on you.

You get too jealous when your friends exceed you in looks, finances, relationships, etc. and become bitter towards them

“Who the hell does she think she is being happy when my husband just left me? What kind of B.S. is this? Posting photos with her new man, talking about her new job and how great her life is right now. It’s effing ridiculous. That’s what it is. She should have some concern for all the people who aren’t as stupid happy as she is. Obviously, the rest of us aren’t doing as well and she should take that into consideration before posting that happy crap all in our faces. “The best sign of a relationship is no sign of it on Facebook” – Status update. Done. That should show her! Ugh…and the new job! She just wants to brag about how much money she’ll be making while the rest of us struggle to find work. What a terrible person.”

If you can’t be happy for your friends, they can’t be happy for you.

You stop talking to them if you disapprove of who they are with

“Ew. What does she see in him? He’s not even cute. He looks like Steve Carrell. He’s so frickin’ ugly. Barf. And he doesn’t even know how to dress! What the hell is he wearing? Looks like he stole one of Screech’s outfits from Saved By the Bell. I mean, he’s cute in a weird way, I guess, but not for her. Their personalities and astrological qualities are a disaster waiting to happen and I’m going to be the first to say “I told you so!” when it goes bust. What an idiot! Maybe I should start some gossip to make this happen a little faster. Oh, she will thank me later when she realizes I was right and what a loser he is.”

When you question your friend’s romantic partners, you are questioning more than just the guy. You are questioning their choices. It can be highly insulting when you find the love of your life only to have your girlfriends treat him like crap because they don’t like him. The truth is, you may be right about him. But it’s her life to live and her mistakes to make. Respect her as a friend, but keep your opinions about her boyfriend being a loser to yourself and hang out with your friend on your own if her boyfriend bugs you so much. She’s a big girl. If he’s really a loser, she’ll realize it soon enough.

You think ‘Three is a crowd’

“Um, no. I like Amber. But you two go to see that movie without me? Just because you know I hate Ryan Reynolds and will never, ever go see something with him in it, ever, and told you “No”? Excuse me? That means, and let me spell it out for you in big letters – MOVIE DATE CANCELED – Meaning, you don’t just run off with Amber to see it. In fact, you and ME are besties, right? So why the hell do you even need Amber anymore? She’s just extra baggage. She’s just another ear who will hear your secrets and might tell people. Haven’t you ever heard to ‘keep your circle small’? You’re ruining our small circle. Stop needing other people’s approval. All you need is me.”

At one time or another, many of us have ended up in needy, clingy relationships. We surely don’t need needy, clingy friends as well. This kind of attitude is just creepy and screams insecurity. It’s the kind of behavior they warn about in bad romantic relationships. It’s a good warning in friendships, too.

You push them to do things that violate their standards

“Quit being such a buzzkill. One more round of shots isn’t going to kill you. No, girl. Literally. Take this last shot of Fireball. Oh geez, you’ve only had seven! What’s one more? The club doesn’t close for another hour. Trust me. You’ll dance it off and then you’ll be just fine to drive home. Oh my God! That guy is still checking you out. You should totally just walk up and kiss him. Go home with him! You’re stupid if you don’t because he is hot. Seriously, you will never get an opportunity like this again. You’ll regret it. He could be THE ONE. You’d never know it because you are being chickenshit. You’ll thank me for this later. I promise. Go do it!!”

Maybe you enjoy your role as being the devil on their shoulder, but the truth is, you are encouraging your friend to make bad decisions which can be outright dangerous. If someone is really your friend, you worry about their wellbeing, not encourage them to push beyond their comfort zone into doing things they don’t feel comfortable with.

You expect them to read your mind

“Hmm…Why isn’t she taking the hint? I’ve already hit her with a hundred passive aggressive memes. I can’t just say it. That would make me look really bad. It would be…confrontational. You can’t just tell someone what you’re thinking! Oh Lord, no! You have to Google the perfect meme!”

From everything I’ve learned about memes & quotes…

Memes about friends who aren’t there for you = You haven’t called me today. I’m mad

Memes making fun of people posting about their relationships online = I’m jealous. Please stop

Memes making fun of girls wearing makeup = Stop being prettier than me

See?! It’s like girl morse code. Learn to read it; Or face their wrath.

You judge them by how much they do for you, not how much they love you

“Seriously. Candy bought me a scarf and a bottle of perfume. What did you buy me? When I had a party, Candy bought me a jug of homemade moonshine. Candy helped me move when I needed someone with a truck. Candy came to my party and bought $150 worth of my products to help me reach Platinum level. Candy got me an autographed copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ (and even told the author to ignore the stain on the inside of the book – That’s a true friend!). What have you done for me? Oh yeah, your mother died. Whatever. Some excuse. Maybe Candy should be my new best friend! Wait…what? What do you mean “Good luck to Candy”?

I once had a friend I loved dearly, but I couldn’t attend her destination wedding in the Caribbean. I simply couldn’t afford it at the time. As a result, I became a HORRIBLE person. Not to mention, the wedding was on New Year’s Eve and I’d already had plans made a year in advance. Mind you, I was never asked to be a bridesmaid. I was just asked to attend. Not surprisingly, she canceled the entire event in a tearful e-mail telling everyone how it seemed like nobody cared about her big day.

This was a friend whom I’d talked to during her boyfriend’s deployments and we’d developed a friendship online. She became downright vindictive and nasty after that. All the kind things I’d done for her meant nothing because of the one thing I couldn’t do for her – Pay thousands to attend a wedding and cancel all other plans.

Friendships are a give and take. Lives get busy, people get busy. Expect nothing of your friends other than that they be good decent people, and you will not be disappointed.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Pexels.com

Why Does My Wife Always Think I’m Cheating?

“Where were you last night?”
“Where were you really?”
“Are you sure?”
“Were there women there?”

Every Saturday morning after your Friday poker night with the guys, this is what you wake up to the next day. Or if you are really lucky, you’ll get it as soon as you walk in the door that night.

“Why does she always think I am cheating?”

It can be frustrating if you are an upstanding, good man who is going to do exactly what he says he’s going to do – Play poker, try to take all his friends’ money and then come home and cuddle up next to her. Truly, that’s all you want out of life on a Friday night. Why is it so hard for her to see this?

Did you cheat on her in the past?

Cheating leaves residual scars. If you’ve cheated once, no matter how badly you feel about it and how much you wish you could go back and erase the whole incident – It’s something you may never live down. She may always have what you could do, what you did do in the back of her mind.

What to do: Be where you say you will be. As difficult as it is, if the relationship is that important to you, allow her full access to your phone if she really needs to see it (Yeah, this sucks and is a violation of privacy, but if you have nothing to feel guilty about – Do it!) If you’re the letter-writing type, write her a detailed letter explaining why you will never cheat again and what you learned from it. Tell her the exact reasons you don’t feel the need to cheat again. This is a woman who’s taken a big leap in trusting you again.

In this situation, there is very little you can do but thank your lucky stars she forgave you and move forward covering your tracks at all times until the years erase the pain.

Was she with a past cheater?

How much fun is it being punished for something you didn’t do? Being with someone who has faced cheating, abuse and a nightmare violation of trust can be a challenge. It may require a huge heart willing to love someone through the trauma and help them  heal. In the end, it can be worth it, but not without helping her work through her pain.

What to do: Hold her and tell her you are not him. Explain to her you are a simple man who prefers not to live lies and a man who believes in vows, loyalty and fidelity. Express sympathy for what she went through in the situation, calmly, while expressing why you feel it’s not fair to make you walk in another man’s shoes.

Do the friends she surrounds herself with, the movies, TV shows and books she reads make her think ALL men are destined to cheat?

You might feel like you have no chance here. Her friend’s husband cheated. So now you must be a cheater, too. She watches TV shows where everyone is cheating on everyone else. Her favorite movie is ‘Gone Girl’. Everything she watches revolves around men being cheating, lying scum. How could you possibly be an exception? In her mind, it’s not IF you will cheat. She’s wondering WHEN.

What to do: Watch those movies and TV shows with her. Act just as shocked as she does. “Wow! I can’t believe someone would do that to their wife!” Get upset with her that her friend’s husband did such a thing. Let her know you think guys who cheat are scum, too. It doesn’t matter if you thought Brad was a cool guy…Don’t side with Brad. Ever! Lest you want to be seen as being cut from the same cloth of infidelity he came from.

How does she feel about herself? Is she happy with her appearance?

Most women are not totally happy with their appearance. If they were totally happy, cosmetics companies, plastic surgeons, diet programs, etc. would not be so popular, right? Maybe she feels like crap about herself, looks at you, and genuinely thinks you could probably do better. These are the sick places a woman’s mind will roam when unhappy with her own body or looks.

What to do: Make her feel beautiful. Tell her constantly she is the most beautiful woman you know. Compliment specific things about her appearance so she knows you’re not full of it. Tell her why you fell in love with her and mean it. In our appearance-obsessed society, there are some couples where one partner is not conventionally seen as attractive as the other. “Why the hell is she with him?” may be asserted by others without realizing the damaging effect this can have on the self worth of the people actually in the relationship.

Are you too flirtatious with other women?

I’ve seen some guys ask, “Dude, why does she always think I’m cheating?” when two seconds before they were chatting it up with a gorgeous redhead, flashing that smile…The one his wife thinks is so devastating.

She thinks you’re a catch. She thinks you are truly something special. Otherwise, she wouldn’t get upset when you’re surrounded by a bevy of women hanging onto your every word. Some people are natural flirts and can’t help it and maybe this is you…and that’s fine. It may be part of your charm and charisma that follows you and it might be a near impossible personality trait to change. However, you can check the way you talk to other women. If you’re leaning too far in, making constant eye contact and not inviting your wife into the conversation, it can make even the most secure woman a little  uncomfortable.

What to do: Make it clear to your partner you are just talking. Invite her into the conversation. Find a parallel between a woman you are speaking with and your wife, right away. If she mentions a TV show, mention your wife loves it, too. She likes dancing?
“Oh, you love salsa dancing? My wife is one of the best! Baby, come here and meet Susan.” If your wife is nowhere in sight, make sure you mention her kindly. Nobody can mistake a man for being flirtatious when he’s speaking fondly of his wife. Interestingly enough, you will increase your respect with women when you speak flattering words about your partner.

Do you have a problem telling white lies and small lies that just don’t add up?

There are many people who have problems with pathological lying. Some people say things without thought as to why they are even lying. How many times has she caught you in a lie? If you lie to her about the small things, in her mind it is only a matter of time before you start lying about the bigger things.

What to do: Honesty is the best policy. Tell the truth. Even when it’s painful. You will never have a good relationship if you have a problem with lying. If it’s pathological and you know you have a serious problem, seek professional help.

Are you consistent?

Trust is built by always being where you say you are going to be, when you are going to be there and who you are going to be with. It’s built by having respectable boundaries with other women. It’s built by not sending texts or private messaging others with anything you would not want your wife to see. If you are secretive about your phone, vague about where you are going, what you’re doing and who is there or lie about any of this – even once – You run the risk of permanently damaging trust.

What to do: If you want to earn someone’s trust, be trustworthy. Be who they expect you to be and don’t do things that would embarrass or humiliate them. Live so if someone told an outright lie about you, nobody would dare believe it.

 

If you have gone through all this and still can’t find any reason why she may not trust you, it’s very possible that she may have some undiagnosed psychological cause the both of you may need to uncover with a qualified therapist.

The most important thing to remember is not to lose patience with your wife. Even thought it’s obnoxious, annoying and may make you less attracted to her because jealousy is such an ugly quality – It’s always worth it to first examine yourself to see if there is anything you may not have thought about that’s setting off the behavior.

You can’t change your partner – But you can change you if you are doing something that triggers a certain behavior in your spouse that drives you crazy.

There are certain things about your partner which you can’t and shouldn’t change and certain agreements the two of you may never agree upon. The important thing is not to hinge an entire relationship upon one disagreement. If you agree on a hundred things, but she doesn’t like the way you flirt with women – You’d probably be wise to work on fixing that one thing. If the thought of not flirting or being completely honest with your spouse seems impossible or like something you couldn’t do, there are some extreme self-evaluations that need to take place.

We’d like to think jealousy is always an irrational emotion from an angry woman, but very often, there is a cause of her jealousy. Where there is a cause, there is a solution.

I Was Sexually Assaulted; And It Was Partly My Fault

A good 15 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by a co-worker.

I’ve rarely talked about it, but not for the reasons you might think. Not because there was “rape shame” or anything like that but because if I did talk about it, people would hate me for what I have to say about the experience.

In essence, I believe at least 50% of what happened was my fault and I accept full responsibility. I am a victim, but I am not a victim.

In today’s social climate, this opinion is abhorrent to feminists the world over. I get that. How dare I say a sexual assault was my fault? Did I cause the guy and his friend to do what they did? Was I responsible for their disgusting behavior? Absolutely not. I refuse to take the blame for their part of this pain.

Here is what I am responsible for:

I am responsible for going out with a group of co-workers and mistaking them for friends. I thought the female co-workers would look out for me. They didn’t.

I am responsible for thinking my male co-workers were more upstanding than they were. They were not.

I am responsible for over-consuming alcohol and allowing people to buy me drinks when I could not be positive of their intentions. The intentions weren’t good.

I am responsible for being scantily dressed. Yes, I dressed up “for myself” to make myself feel beautiful and sexy and I fully agree, men need to be honorable and do better. But I was naive in my thinking that nobody would mistake my intentions for dressing the way I was dressed.

One of the ones who assaulted me whispered, “You’ve been teasing me all night in that skirt!” as if it were my fault. Looking back, I will partially accept blame. I dressed a certain way and got treated a certain way. Nobody ever wants to hear or acknowledge this, but the fact remains.

I am responsible for allowing myself to be pulled into a car with a male co-worker and his friends thinking their intentions were honorable in driving me back to their house for the after party. They were not.

I am responsible for my stupidity, my naiveté and my belief that all people are basically good people. They are not.

Today, we are told it’s 100% the fault of the man and we have done nothing wrong. We are taught about the way all men should behave. I fully agree, but the truth is that they don’t all behave this way. The sadder truth is this; We will never be able to stop things that have been occurring since the dawn of man. The even sadder truth is that in the hysteria of blaming men, we lose stressing important lessons that could save more women from assault.

We can teach our sons to do better for women. We can teach them to be kind, be gentle, to be caring. We can teach them the best we can, but nobody knows what causes some men to stray off the path of righteousness. Bad mothers sometimes raise good men. Good mothers sometimes raise rapists and murderers.

We can march and storm the streets. We can campaign to our heart’s content. We can scream injustice from the rooftops. It does nothing. It still won’t stop a man overcome with lust and devoid of conscience. But we can do our best.

The only way we can stop these things from happening is the answer a lot of feminists are deeply uncomfortable with – We must change ourselves.

Living in a “Me”-centric society, this idea is angering to many. Why should we have to change? This is victim-blaming! Why can’t men just start being better people?

Because it’s not reality. It’s not the way the world works. In many aspects of society, we must learn we can’t control other people…and in some aspects, we shouldn’t. The only real control we have is over ourselves.

Know the difference between preventable sexual assault and non-preventable sexual assault
Yes, there is a difference. Yes, we can sometimes STOP sexual assault before it happens, but it means admitting some hard truths about our own behaviors. If we don’t admit the truth about our behaviors and how they could contribute to an assault, we open the door to be victimized repeatedly. There is nothing more powerful than realizing the ways you could stop this from happening and applying these things to your own life.

In the case of non-preventable sexual assault, they come from situations where you have little to no control or social pressures force you into situations where you are with someone you should be able to trust like a teacher, a counselor, a coach, religious clergy, a parent, family, etc. Arguably, I should have been able to trust my co-workers.

In some situations, we can’t help being forced to interact with someone alone. These are the victims my heart breaks for. They are the ones who will deal with lifelong trust issues, PTSD, etc. For many of us, we can find comfort that we can prevent many assaults by checking our own actions.

Know your friends
If you are not sure you can 100% trust your friends, don’t put them in charge of your inebriated self.

Be aware of who you are inebriated around
I’m not saying don’t drink – ever, but when you consume drugs and alcohol, you are altering your mental state. Who can you trust fully in this inebriated state?
Think about it.

Dress for how you want to be treated
What used to be common sense is now a controversial opinion. Yes, we know men should do better. But some don’t. This is the difference between perpetual victimization and being street smart. If you want to dress provocatively, it’s also worth noting you should be with people you trust, watch what you drink and try not to be alone. Wearing some things attracts attention…and sometimes it’s attention from people whose attention you may not want focused on you.

Don’t be alone
In truth, many sexual assaults could have been prevented. Most of the time it’s because of whom we have chosen to surround ourselves with or because we have let our guard down and thought we would be safe walking through a deserted parking lot just to get to our car quickly…Yes, the ‘buddy system’ sounds corny. The truth is – It works.

Don’t give out too much information
The Internet makes it all too easy to find out information about anyone, these days. Safeguard your personal details carefully. Fifteen years ago, we were told not to ever post our real name online. Now sites like Facebook and Google almost require it just to get an account. If you associate with strangers online under your real name, they can have your address in a matter of seconds. Some sites give the names of people close to you. Some people even have photos of their children on prominent display. Alarmist? Maybe. But can you ever be too careful?

Sometimes women end up giving their address out to complete strangers who claim interest in an item they are selling online. Just a few clicks away is that person’s profile, often photos of them, their house, their children, their possessions, their lives. Never has it been more easy for criminals to fully case a target before making a move.

There is no victim-blaming here. Believe me, the hardest thing I ever did was have to sit down and reason out how I could stop this from happening to myself ever again. There is comfort in the acknowledgment horrible things can be prevented if we are willing to examine our own actions and behaviors and how they might contribute to the unspeakable. This coming from someone who was careless and learned her lesson well.

Ladies, I’m not saying we can’t be sexy and dress to express ourselves. But do it in packs. Do it with women you know will have your back. Don’t dress yourself in a meat dress like Lady Gaga and wander into a pack of wolves, alone, thinking you will walk out the other side unscathed. Know your surroundings, know who you’re with and be careful. Prevention is something that should be discussed much more than it is.

Loving a Woman After Abuse

You found her. She’s hypnotizing. Everything you always wanted. She is kind, loving… and so heartbreakingly fragile. Loving her scares you. She’s not like other girls you’ve loved before. She’s been through something. She’s a walking contradiction; Sometimes strong, but sometimes weak. She’s cool like the surface of a pond, but sometimes anger comes like a storm over her horizon with white hot lightning tears indicating her inner turmoil.

She may confess that her last relationship was tough, but she may have a hard time explaining why. She doesn’t know how to explain the depth of the trauma she has experienced, yet you can see it in her haunted eyes. There’s so much in her soul. She has so much to say, but can never put it into words.

She wants to love again, but she’s terrified.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

She wants to love with an open heart and no reservations. She wants to jump out of the plane and feel the exhilaration of falling in love, but she needs to know her parachute  will open. She needs to know you’ll bring her safely back down to the ground after the rush. What she needs most, right now, is a protector, but at the same time she’s afraid. The last time someone offered to protect her, he hurt her immeasurably. Imagine the horror of following someone’s lead in jumping out of the plane…only to find you are pulling your ripcord and nothing breaks your fall?

Be patient. Time will heal all her wounds. Stay by her side until the fear subsides.

She doesn’t want to believe all men are the same

Photo by Pasha Gray on Pexels.com

She thinks you are amazing. But she has seen where this leads time and again. Girl friends assure her all men are the same. She will be hurt again. It’s in books, movies, everywhere – “All men are dogs”. She remembers the horrors of infidelities, the crimes of the heart, and believes the profile is true. In a hopeless state, she believes all men are destined to hurt her. When someone lies about their every move for a period of years and has numerous inconsistencies with the truth, it rattles capacity to trust to the very core.

Be consistent. Prove the theory is wrong. Admire and emulate good men. Admire the type of men you wish to be. Tell her what you admire about them and why you don’t want to pattern yourself after all the jerks she (and her friends) have known before. Be where you say you are going to be, with who you are say you are going to be with, doing what you say you are going to be doing.

Always.

Be a man of your word and possess integrity or get out of her life. In protecting her heart, it’s really that simple. Be honest or be gone.

She needs to know you. REALLY know you. So she can feel safe.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

For too long, she was locked in the dark. She gave freely of herself. She gave everything she had to give, longing for reciprocation. Instead, she received deceit, lies, anger, and abuse. Words have so much power – The power to break; The power to heal.

Be open. Nothing will soothe the savagery of a woman fraught with fear like calm, open consistent communication. Talk with her. Give her what she never had before – A crying shoulder, encouragement, honesty, an environment in which the both of you can communicate openly and without fear. You must be open with her because he wasn’t. She needs to know the truth of you because he surrounded himself with lies. She will know it’s real when she finally knows someone’s soul. Let her know yours.

She wants you to believe her.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Good people are objective. They are slow to believe bad things they hear about others.

When speaking about the ending of a relationship, we are often cautioned, “There is HIS side, HER side…and the TRUTH, which usually lies between the two.” However, in an abusive relationship, there IS a wrong party. The most damaging thing you can do is doubt her. You are going to hear a lot about her ex. Some of it may sound completely crazy. As a good person, you will be in shock that a human would do such things to another human being. Before you doubt this woman, watch your nightly news. There are crazy people in this world and they do crazy things. It’s not just on TV.

The closer the two of you get, the more you will hear about him and this may be conflicting for you. Why is it that the more you love her to help ease her mind and make her forget him…The more she cries and talks about how he hurt her?

It’s because she needs to in order to heal. You are peeling back layers of the onion. She is realizing the way she lived wasn’t right. She is realizing you are treating her the way she deserved to be treated all along. With every consistent step she takes beside you, she realizes it really was abuse. A woman who has been truly abused will often try to avoid that word or think that other women had it worse than her. “Abuse” to many is equal to being beaten or physically assaulted. However, domestic abuse of psychological nature can be on par and sometimes even worse than physical abuse.

Be trusting. You need to believe her. Hearing about her ex’s faults and worst qualities is not comfortable. There is a notorious stigma that talking about your exes is bad or means you’re not over them, but with abuse – It’s crucial that she talk and reason out what just happened to her. It is trauma. You would not tell a 9/11 survivor to “get over it”. When she breaks down and tells you something, confirm her fears and tell her, “That is abusive. I would never do that to you.” She needs confirmation and then assurance that the nightmare is over…and time to process it.

She needs encouragement.

Photo by Josh Willink on Pexels.com

Women who come from abusive relationships often neglect themselves, their hopes and dreams to be whatever their abusive partner demands they be. Chances are, somewhere down deep inside, she had dreams too. She had a person she always wanted to be and had to put it on hold. This happens in normal, non-abusive relationships, too. But in an abuse situation, she was not only discouraged from pursuing her own greatness. She was probably also told she was not good at things. She was told she was a failure. She was laughed at and ridiculed. Abusers take the very things you hold dear and turn them against you. Yes, there are people who are really that evil.

Be encouraging. Notice things she is good at doing. Compliment her. Ask her if she ever thought about doing things professionally. Notice what makes her eyes light up. Notice what she’s happy doing. Help her realize her own path again. Remind her of all her dreams and help get her the things she needs to begin pursuing her dreams again. Encourage her to be the person she was meant to be before another person sabotaged her life.

She needs gifts to be given for no reason whatsoever.

Photo by vjapratama on Pexels.com

“Why don’t abused women just leave? If someone is so bad, why not walk away?” Abusers are powerful in their toxicity. They know just how to reel their target in. When they know you are about to leave, they give you everything you always wanted. They are kind, loving, generous and will pull stunts straight out of ‘The Bachelor’ to keep a woman under their spell. It’s very hard to walk away. The man who never brought you flowers suddenly shows up with dozens of roses. They buy you what they know you’ve always wanted. The gifts come pouring in. They assault your center of guilt. If someone bought you what you always wanted – It’s hard, if not impossible to turn down in that mental state. It also fools everyone around you.
“How can you say he never loved you? He filled your house with roses!”
“How can you say he didn’t support your dreams? He bought you a guitar!”

An abuser will treat a woman horribly and then reward her like a queen. Gifts become her idea of love. It becomes all she has to look forward to. Gifts mean LOVE. It’s a hard association to break. With an abuser, it also means, “I did something wrong. You caught me. But I LOVE you.”

Be sincere. The happiest day of her life will come when you give her a big gift and she realizes you did no wrong and the gift you gave came completely from the heart because you truly love her. When realization hits, look for the happy tears when she realizes even gifts can be given without expectations or the trade-off of an abuser’s wrongdoing, but out of pure thankfulness, love and honesty.

She’s come so far already

Photo by João Jesus on Pexels.com

In leaving, she’s made a huge accomplishment. Only someone who faced abuse firsthand might realize what a huge accomplishment this is. She had to finally reach a point where all false promises, gifts, pressures of society and family to stay, glares of the judgmental, fears of violence, etc. were no longer enough to hold her down and freedom meant leaving; The chance to satisfy her very soul. She made a firm decision. She wanted happiness in life before she was gone from this earth. She decided life was too short to live in such fear, pain and misery and realized it would be better to be alone than be lied to, cheated on, discarded and made to feel like a burden.

Be proud of her. This woman is a survivor. She wants you to realize although she suffered and is stull suffering the after-effects, that she is nobody’s victim. She is a phoenix rising from the ashes. She doesn’t want to be viewed as a battered woman Public Service Announcement crouched in a corner crying. She wants you to view her as a warrior and realize that the tears she cries are not crocodile tears or tears of self pity. She wants you to realize how strong she is and not treat her like a victim, even though she still cries at night sometimes. She wants you to realize how far she’s come. She wants you to know that even the strong cry. She doesn’t want you to view her as weak. She wishes you could see a movie of what she has been through. She simply wants your respect.

She needs you to do your homework.

Photo by Inna Lesyk on Pexels.com

Loving an abused woman comes with homework. This isn’t the young love of your twenties fraught with petty jealousies. Unfortunately, it’s a love that comes with some baggage so she needs you to know what you’re getting into. Abuse makes women into researchers. Just like you, they may be confounded with the question, “WHY would someone DO such a thing to someone?” Realize she has been told the problem has been her all along. Then something happened to open her eyes. She is learning daily about why abusers do what they do. She will be fascinated. The knowledge that she had such a low opinion of herself beaten into her mind by someone else will be angering. She’s not crazy. She’s not hellbent on vengeance. She just finally understands.

Be studious. While she is doing her own research, she needs you to do your own about her. Like you are doing now. She needs you to understand, psychologically, just why she may be the way she is right now and accept these quirks. Some part of her still fears she brought this all on herself or, scarier yet, that he has made her a clone of himself.

She needs you to know she will make loving her worth it.

Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

Despite what a pain in the ass she is right now…She promises, loving her will be the best thing you’ve ever done. Because she’s been in the dark, she will appreciate the light ten times more. Because she suffered in a cave of despair, the sunlight on her skin will feel a thousand times more glorious. You may think you are just an average guy and nothing special, but compared to the hell she endured, you are the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen or experienced. If you’ve ever wanted to be loved for your soul, she is the one who is capable of doing it. If you’ve never been the one to have anyone completely enraptured by you, she will be the one who lets you finally experience the full impact of ravenous love. Women who have faced abuse, rejoice in love on a scale unmatched. They have wandered through the desert, found an oasis and plan on never leaving because they know how big that desert is and how rare a genuine person is.

Be joyful. There are a lot of women out there who would not appreciate all that you are and take you for granted. Only the woman who has been through hell can appreciate heaven. And she will treat you with all the respect you deserve for your consistent, honest, genuine love.

She needs you.

Photo by Rosie Ann on Pexels.com

Even though it goes against all sensibility after having gone through an abusive relationship and having had “co-dependent” slapped on her. She is force fed that she needs no man. This is true. She can heal on her own and be just fine, but being with you is the next big step. You can only know you are completely healed when you can love another person with all your heart and soul without fear again. It’s another level of healing and she is putting her fragile heart out there on the line again…Because something tells her maybe you are the real deal. Maybe this time she can rest.

Be careful with her heart. If you take anything away from this article. Take this: Be the man she needs. This is no ordinary woman. This is a woman who stood in the fire and didn’t back down. This is a woman with a scarred heart doing her best to keep her belief in love alive. She is a naked soul who now knows looks, money, status, or any amount of lies built around someone is not who they are. If you are willing to help her fight through her storm, there are calmer waters ahead on a sea where the water blends with the sky horizon where a beautiful peace exists for you both.

Why Does My Wife Lie To Me?

Why do people lie, anyway? Much of the time, the reason someone lies is simply to preserve their own self image. They did or said something they don’t want to be called out over. They feel guilty and want the bad event to go away.

Then, there are those who lie consistently and seemingly without any guilt whatsoever. Narcissists and sociopaths are well known as notorious liars. Since they thrive on their own self image, they often live a life of lies.

They start off telling one, small lie. Seeing how that lie could be discovered, they are forced to create a complicated matrix of false narratives to protect the initial lie. A thousand other details must be suitably altered to make their story fit. The result is an elaborate web of lies stretched across their existence like a knitted spiderweb that will fall apart when someone finds just…the…right…thread to pull.

Do you know someone like this?

Maybe that person is the one you decided to spend the rest of your life with. Webs of lies can be so thick and convoluted they may not be uncovered for many years. By then, possibly rings and vows have been exchanged and you wake up to find yourself married to a liar.

Luckily, most people tell the truth most of the time and almost everyone, at one time or another has told a “white” lie – Usually to avoid hurting someone over an inconsequential matter (Do I look fat in this dress?).

The Truth About Lying

It’s important to delve into WHY someone might lie to you. Believe it or not, sometimes we can attract liars because of some very positive aspects of our personality. Is lying ever right? In most cases, many would say no. It takes away freedom of choice for someone to make decisions about their lives based on factual evidence. On the other hand, do you want to know details which will only wound you psychologically or spiritually? It depends on the individual. Some want the big, ugly truth. Some would prefer not knowing.

We could spend days going over the moral aspects of lying and why people do it. In the end, lying comes down to two things – Who they are and who you are.

First, let’s examine the worst kinds of liars:

Chronic and Pathological Liars
These are the liars who have a pathological condition. They can live in a healthy environment with open communication and still lie all the time and may never stop without serious psychological intervention and care.

The Woman Who Can’t Be Herself
She loves you more than her own integrity or self respect. She lies because she can’t bear the thought of someone thinking poorly of her – Especially you. Her life revolves around other peoples’ image of her. What if you knew who she really was? Maybe you wouldn’t like her. She lied to get you because you were someone she really wanted. Maybe you were an amazing, fascinating person to her – A philanthropist. And she lied telling you she was into charity work. She told you she went on a mission trip to Africa. She fed and sheltered the homeless. You love wine – She lied and learned varietals so she could fake her way through a conversation with you. You’re into sports – She lied and said her dad used to be best friends with Tommy Lasorda (Then, she’ll keep you from meeting her dad). You tell her you wouldn’t date a girl who smokes – She’ll hide it from you and smoke whenever you’re not around. This girl wants you in her life, but she is carefully concealing who she really is because her own self worth is desperately low. She tells all these lies to keep you because she has a psychological problem. You can’t fix her.

The Compulsive Liar (Narcissist)
She lies for attention, but won’t consciously admit to herself this is the reason she lies. She opens her mouth and out it comes. Maybe she would feel bad about it, but most of the time she doesn’t because she views the lies as innocuous truths. She’s like an adult who still has an imaginary friend. She believes if she repeats the lies enough times, they become true. Yes, she really dated George Clooney once. Her stories are entertaining and she believes them herself. She’s a great storyteller, very compelling and detailed to the point she can have even the biggest skeptics eating out of the palm of her hand. She feels insecure in a world full of interesting people and lies to make herself seem more interesting. There’s really no other reason why. Chances are she knows she’s lying, but she buries this knowledge deep down in her psyche and continues making up tall tales. She doesn’t know how else to show the world that she, too, is somebody special, so this will do. This disorder goes hand-in-hand with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This person may cheat on you because she cares about her own gratification above all. But she won’t want you to find out because it would damage her self image. It’s vital that you think she is wonderful on all levels and that everyone else does, too.

Sociopaths & Psychopaths
This is the worst case scenario. These people are less than 4% of the population. The female sociopath won’t really love you. She just wants something from you or likes to play games for the thrill. There is likely something you can provide for her that she wants badly enough to tell a whole web of lies just to get close to you. Sure. She’s only slept with two guys. Of course! She loves all the same things you do. She will tell you she loves you and sleep with your best friend. She has zero conscience. She doesn’t even feel bad about it. None of this really hurts you, right? She lies to be whatever you need until she’s done using you. She’s not lying like a compulsive liar lost in fantasyland. She is lying for a malignant purpose. Either to get something from you or to harm you psychologically…For no other reason, but that she finds it amusing.

She will lie to become your dream. She’ll lie to become the reality you are seeking. And watch your bank account. Sociopaths are known for telling any lie necessary to get closer to a big payday.

Sometimes, they are even more sick. There is nothing they want from you. They just enjoy the game of deceit. They find telling mistruths exhilarating and love pushing the borders to see how much they can get away with and if they can break you down with their games. And when you catch them, they won’t care. You were just a toy mouse to them. It was only a game, after all.

You will know people like this by many different names: Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths, but they are all the same in that they manufacture their identity. When you find out who they really are, it’s usually too late and they are walking away with your wallet in their hands and your heart in their teeth.

“Normal” Liars

Most lies are told to cover up for something. They will tell lies to either protect you or to protect themselves. Sometimes lies are to cover horrible things – But it doesn’t always mean that they have a psychological issue in which their lying is compulsive or liable to be consistently repeated in the future. The “normal” and typical liars will lie because they are afraid of your reaction or because of survival. They messed up – Sometimes big time. But they may learn from their mistakes and their conscience kills them over it.

You appear to be Mr. Perfect
She might lie to you because you simply intimidate the hell out of her. You are a good person whom she does not want to disappoint. You have your sh*t together. People like you. You have high expectations of those around you. You have good morals. She knows she doesn’t measure up to your lofty expectations, but she so desperately wants to. She wants to be someone who is good enough for you. She won’t tell you when she does something stupid because she’s afraid you’ll think poorly of her. She might hide purchases from you because she doesn’t want you to think she can’t control her spending. You are amazing and the type of person she wants to be more like. She’ll fake it until she makes it and lie to you with every intention of deserving you one day.

You are in Control
She lies to you because you have control over her life in some way that could influence basic factors of survival such as; You provide food, shelter, clothing, an income, etc. Her lies are told simply for survival. If she told the truth, would she lose any of the above? The fear is so great, she would rather lie to preserve her lifestyle.

She is Afraid of Your Reaction
She lies to you because you have an explosive temper and she does not want to anger you if she says something you do not like. What would you do if she told you that she had too much to drink with the girls? Would you scream at her and call her an irresponsible drunk? Would you physically harm her? Men who have explosive tempers are going to be lied to. Your reaction can mean all the difference.

She is Trying to Protect You
She lies to you because you are depressed and she feels like you can’t handle the truth of what she has to say. She is trying to protect you. For some reason, you may seem fragile to her and like you would not be able to withstand something she may want to tell you that would be painful for you to hear.

Stopping the Lies

Given all of the above information, it is now up to you to determine a few things – Is the lying pathological? Is it part of a personality disorder that you can not fix? If this is the case, you may have to demand that she seek psychological care. It may not be a situation you want to stay in because some pathological liars can never stop. You can give her repeated chances and walk away disappointed every time.

On the other hand, if she is the person who tells an occasional lie, think about how you reacted in the past. Has she ever told you a truth only to have you blow up in a rage?

To get an occasional liar to tell you the truth:

•  Never confront a liar in public or in front of others. Even though you may feel they deserve it, this type of humiliation only causes embarrassment, can backfire and make you look like the jerk and can lead to retaliation.
• Respond with compassion instead of anger. Most liars avoid the truth because of the negative consequences that come with the truth. When they admit something they know you will not like to hear, remain cool. Do not retaliate. Do not lose your temper. Act as if it doesn’t matter. Even though you are furious, if you want to hear more truth in the future, check how you respond when truth is given to you. Then, discuss the situation in a calm, rational matter avoiding insults.
• Give them a chance to admit the lie with humor. When they tell you something you know is an obvious lie, laugh. You will instantly see their discomfort. Then say, “Okay, that’s funny. What did you really do?” It gives them a chance to feel they were just being a ‘fibber’ and that you will let them admit the truth with amusement instead of anger.
• Ask more questions and listen carefully. When you pretend you are completely stupid, you make them run in circles trying to cover up their lie. In the end, they may just break and tell you the truth because they are exasperated with all the questions.
• What did your mother do when you lied and she knew it? She would look at you and tell you, “I know you aren’t telling me the truth.” And most of the time, for those of us with a conscience, we’d break and admit the lie and take our punishment.
• Does the lie really matter? So you catch her in a lie that she saw a movie that she didn’t see. Does it really matter? Is this life-changing stuff? Pick your battles. If the lie is completely inconsequential, sometimes it is best to let it go.