5 Ways You Will Know They Are “The One”

“When you stop looking for love, it will find you.”

Yet, sometimes we search to the ends of the earth to find the person who perfectly complements our soul. Yes, we can stop actively looking, but to find that one-in-a-million, we must always be awake, open to the people around us, searching beyond to find possibilities we wouldn’t have found had we not expanded our horizons.

Sometimes we must choose to look for love.

In the end, we always have a choice in who we love and owe it to ourselves (and that special person) to make the best choice we can possibly make.

1.  Choose the person you instantly connect with

Choose the person whose soul instantly connects with yours across the room, leaving the air sizzling with possibility between the two of you – A connection which translates well to sexual and physical chemistry. You never realize how important this chemistry is until you are in a relationship where it doesn’t exist. Maybe “Love at first sight” does not exist – But there IS this. Whatever it is; That inexplicable, energetic, magnetic, hypnotic attraction between two people. It’s not lust. It’s something bigger.

It’s a connection which makes you want to kiss them when they come close. You’ll feel it around certain people. You will be pulled to them like a moon orbiting the Earth.

Some might say this chemistry is not the most important component in a strong relationship. They are wrong. It is the absolute foundation. This connection is what’s going to have you pausing in the kitchen and hallways to hug and kiss each other, naturally, for years to come.

It’s the propelling force for friendly butt slaps and the desire to touch each other. It’s the desire to hold hands, to crave the feel of their lips on yours, the forging of the ache whenever the two of you are apart. And when things go wrong or you have a period of time where you fall out of love with each other, even slightly (which happens in every relationship), this foundation will draw you back to him or her, time and time again.

Don’t get it wrong – This connection is not based on physical attractiveness or looks alone. Someone doesn’t have to be conventionally attractive to possess chemistry that interacts with yours. It’s not a physical reaction to their beauty at all – It’s a reaction to their energy. Some will have a harder time connecting to others in this way. Empaths may find they make connections this way very easily. It’s the one that sparks myths, legends, tales of ‘Twin Flames’, soul mates, etc. Is there only one person for everyone? Doubtful. But there are souls whose energy matches yours or combines pleasantly with yours. It may sound like new age hoopla, but even the skeptic will be taken aback when they experience the phenomenon. “Chemistry” is very real. You may have noticed it between actors who excel at their professions, musicians, etc. who take advantage of this force of nature to sell their performance. Like these two…

2.  Choose the person who is good for you

Not the person who is good for your parents. Not your friends. Not your religion. Not your kids. Not your pets.  Not your brothers or sisters. Not your co-workers. Not your bank account. Not your hobbies. YOU.

“But wait a minute – These things are me!” You’re saying.

At the very core, you are your body. You are your soul. You are your thoughts. You are your waking life. You are the breaths you take in and out. You are not all those other things. You are not an extension of someone else. Your life is your own.

Simplify everything down to you and your special someone. You are the last two people left alive in the world after a terrifying apocalypse. There are no parents to give their stamp of approval. Your friends aren’t there to be impressed or envious over how hot your significant other is. There are no churches preaching the constraints of their religion against your partner’s religion. If you had kids, they are gone, too. There is nobody left to judge your partner based on their profession, looks, hobbies, etc. Money no longer matters after the apocalypse.

In this post-apocalyptic world – Do you still like this person? Do you feel like you would get tired of each other quickly? Is the post-apocalyptic world an adventure with them? Do you feel safe with them? Do they keep your spirits up? What would you talk about? How do you feel in their presence? Do you feel trapped? Do you feel like you are not allowed to speak your mind? Do you feel like you will be physically threatened? Does the person’s energy agitate you? Is their sense of humor compatible with yours? Can you both laugh at the same things?

Basically, are the two of you compatible? You don’t necessarily have to make this a line item examination. It’s okay to have differences. What matters is how you feel around each other. Take careful note of how you feel in the other person’s presence. If you do not feel like a better person, don’t respect them, or don’t trust them – Don’t choose them.

Nobody realizes the alternate reality they are sometimes choosing a life partner in – An alternate reality of everyone else’s expectations and opinions on who is best for you. Be conscious and present when choosing your life partner. If you are choosing someone to make all these other people happy and thinking how much certain people in your life are going to love them – You are not making YOU happy. You are living to please others. It’s a situation which will eventually self-destruct.

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3.  Choose the person who accepts your imperfections and helps you to grow

This one has two parts. But let’s start with the first. Let’s start with YOU. You are not a perfect person. Repeat after me:

I am not a perfect person.

Most people are painfully aware of this. Yet, it is the reason why 100% of marriages end. Because one or both parties in a marriage are not perfect people. Amazing, right?

What is truly rare, truly amazing about marriage and should honestly be in every marital vow everywhere until the end of time — is the admission that we are not perfect people. What if we vowed to be thankful and grateful to our partner for living with our limitations and imperfections as we learned how to navigate life together?

How beautiful would it be if two people vowed to love each other through their imperfections, helping each other in growing towards becoming more perfect people?

What all this translates to is choosing a patient partner. Choose the one who sees you screw up. Choose the one who listens about your past screw ups. Choose the one who praises you for making it right. Choose the person who watches your great business idea fail miserably, dusts you off and says, “Hey, you tried.” Choose the one who picks you up every time you fall and encourages you to keep moving forward. Choose the one who enriches you and encourages you to be your best. Choose the one who provides an environment in which you can grow and be who you’ve always dreamed of being. Choose the one who supports your hobbies, even if they don’t share them (and assuming they are healthy hobbies). Choose the one who isn’t disgusted by what you look like with no makeup on. Choose the one who sees you get angry, lose your shit, do things you’re not proud of, but loves you anyway. Because they know that behavior isn’t you. Because they have faith in you. Because they are invested in you. Choose the person that believes in you and your potential.

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4.  Choose the person committed to their own personal growth

Here’s part two – Your partner. Repeat after me:

They are not a perfect person.

Too many people have checklists of what they consider the perfect man or woman, talking about what they must “have”. They fail to realize that most of the traits of the perfect man or woman are traits developed by being surrounded by loving, positive people. They give unrealistic lists of what essentially amount to the ‘After’ photo of someone who has worked hard to become that person or someone who may exist on paper who will never love them in the way they wish they were loved. They neglect all the ‘Before’ photos walking around them. So many good people with so much potential.

Choose the one who has dreams. Choose the one who has objectives. Choose the one who may not know what they want to do with their life, but they’re good at things and are on their way to figuring it out. Choose the unloved one who never had someone reveal their worth to them. Choose the one who is curious. Choose the one who reads books and watches documentaries and has a genuine interest in the world around them. Choose the one who is humble. Choose the one who listens well. Choose the one always open to new ideas. Choose the one who is aware of their flaws and points them out. Choose the one who is working on their problems. Choose the one who is hard on themselves. Choose the one who apologizes. Choose the one who admits they sometimes think you deserve better. Choose the one who says, “I screwed up”. Choose the one who hesitates to judge others because they screw up themselves. Choose the one who seeks spiritual and emotional fulfillment. Choose the one who sees your mistakes and smiles, not to mock you, but in sympathy because they make mistakes too. Choose the one who loves you all the more for that. Choose the one who will never stop trying.

When you choose someone committed to personal growth, you are choosing someone who gives a damn enough about themselves to become a better person for them and who gives a damn enough about you to think you deserve more than their worst. A person doesn’t have to be PERFECT to deserve your love. They just have to be ever-evolving and growing and have the ultimate desire to be the best human being they can be.

And you should, too!

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5.  Choose the one whom with communication is easy and open

It’s said so often that it’s almost a cliché, but communication is definitely key.

You must be able to talk to your partner about anything and they must feel comfortable talking to you.

There is no compromise on this. You have to set aside time to communicate with your partner. They need to be able to come to you with what is bothering them. You need to be able to go to them. You need to be able to put down your phone, turn off the TV, stop driving, stop doing whatever it is you are doing and listen to them, even if it “inconveniences” you and they need to reciprocate in kind.

What’s more inconvenient? Losing your relationship or giving your partner a few hours of open, honest communication? If you give your partner more communication time, they will need less and less of it as they feel their needs are being met. Instead of hours of talking, it will turn into minutes. They will be happier and your relationship might grow in ways that may surprise you.

You’re not in a relationship with a robot. You’re in a relationship with a human being who has human needs and a human psyche. However, like a piece of machinery, look at communication time as an oil change. It’s routine relationship maintenance. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy, but communication is something that shouldn’t ever be stopped just because a relationship is in the “comfortable” phase.

Being in a relationship is more than just sex, sleeping next to someone, or having someone to go do things with. It’s having a companion who gets to know your soul, your thoughts, and becomes the closest human being to you on earth. This is what a relationship is. Communication nurtures and waters the soil for the rewards of the relationship to bloom in. Without it, the garden dries up and dies, or even worse, someone else will come along to tend to the garden you thought was worthless.

Choose the one who gets to know you inside out and never stops valuing your need to express yourself and never stops expressing themselves, letting you get to know them. It’s a beautiful thing when the walls come down and you let each other in, fully. This creates a lifetime bond and a bridge of trust. Never take for granted that someone loved you enough to let you inside.

Choose wisely and live well.

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Should You Keep “Haters” in Your Life?

Some people call them “Frenemies”.

Do you really like them?
That’s debatable…
Do they really like you?
You’re really not sure.

By some sort of obligation, there is an unexplained duty to let them sit and smirk in the corner of our lives. We let them peruse the details of our lives on social media. Always observing, laughing at us when we trip up. Jumping in immediately to agree with anyone who says something against us.

And we wonder why we feel socially anxious and uncomfortable in our own skin!

Maybe they are friends of friends. Maybe there is some other tie to them in which it would feel like too much of an upheaval to sever. You just want to fly under the radar with them…but you worry about hurting their feelings.

It’s easy to become so worried about hurting others’ feelings without being mindful of how they treat us. However, the first time I heard someone tell me to cut all the negative people out of my life, I laughed.

Some of the closest people in the world to me were horribly negative people. The type of people you might love for their own quirks, weirdness, even their kindness, but they were determined to not allow me to grow. I was in a period where I’d been working on myself and thought I was on my way to becoming a butterfly; They told me I wasn’t a caterpillar. I was an earth worm. I thought I was growing smart and capable; They made sure I knew I was irresponsible or stupid.

The problem with keeping these kind of people around, is that we start to believe them  on some level. We tolerate them. We put up with their crap because we wonder if their criticisms of us are valid. Enough to make us justify their hurtfulness. What if they are only telling the truth even if it hurts to hear…?

“Be realistic,” We hear them say through a smirk, implying that you’re unreasonable in your goals. What if they are right? They threw a wrench in your gears to the point you can’t even see the possibilities anymore. Only all the reasons why you might fail.

Stop right there. We can’t let people who never have anything nice to say come into our lives to crap on our every thought. There is no point to it. It is your life to lead, isn’t it?

So maybe you let them say what they have to say, but have stopped taking haters to heart and feel like you’ve finally become mentally strong.

BUT…You’re going to keep them around to “show” them. You will go on to be successful and make them eat their words. You’ll keep them around just to show them how wrong they were.

Don’t.

I knew a woman who once made every post of hers on Facebook public because she knew her ex-husband might see it. In every one, she posted sexy pictures of herself to show him what she thought he was missing. She posted about her vacations. She made her life seem more glamorous and exciting than it was. After a while, everyone realized she was living her entire life just to spite him and we wondered if she realized it, too.

What kind of life is it living for the benefit of others? Everything she did was “aimed” at someone. Whether it be a passive aggressive Facebook post or a post about how great her life was and how much fun she was having. She wanted all her “haters” to know it.

What she actually didn’t see was that everyone saw through her. Nobody cared. Nobody was jealous. When someone lives their life posting passive aggressive Facebook quotes – Underneath it all is a kind-of pathetic veneer to a painful life nobody in their right mind is actually jealous of. Lots of people can sniff out posers a mile away.

She continued living her life for her “haters” until her real friends got sick of it. Every conversation with her was negative. Everything was always about the people who supposedly hated her. She was always plotting and planning her next move and how she was going to make them look stupid.

Witnessing all this unfold on social media was sad. I finally unsubscribed to her issues. And it felt amazing.

Ask yourself this question. Would you let someone who hated you come into your house and sit in the back of the room and roll their eyes and criticize you?

I don’t think so.

So why would you keep them in your circle of friends? On social media? “Haters” have no place in your life. None. They are never going to do you any good. There is a simple answer to this dilemma – Drop them. Yes, I know you will say it’s not that easy. I don’t care if it’s your own mother. When someone treats you with continuous disrespect, they have no place in your life. Slam the door.

Why, exactly, would you even feel like you have to keep them around so they can see you reach the pinnacle of success one day? You’re wanting to prove them wrong and think this is going to dispel their hatred?

News flash – It won’t.

And it’s going to make it harder for you to reach success. Because you are always going to have their negative voice in your ear.

Think about this, too – What if you don’t succeed? What if you have a multitude of failures in your life? You are giving them fuel for their own drama-kindled fire. Protect your life, your heart, your soul, your being. Get rid of these people who have no positive will towards you.

Get rid of ambivalent people whom you are not sure like you or not. People who do like you will let you know. People who do not like you won’t hide it. They make things easy. Ambivalent people, on the other hand, will chip away at your confidence. They are a slow drip of acid to your self worth.

Keeping a hater on social media to “show them” is like dropping a toaster in your bathtub while you’re soaking because it breaks the toaster when it’s submersed in water, too.

You’re only hurting yourself.

Taking it a step further, if you are the type that believes in “energies”, when you invite haters to hang around in your circle of friends, you are also extending a welcome to their toxic, negative energy. If you think you are going to go on to become a raging success surrounded by haters and their energy weighing you down, think again.

These people have a way of getting into your head and filling it with negativity. They are masters of dragging out the darkest of thoughts and placing them in your brain like mental roadblocks. Get away from them.

Live your life for you and the people who love you.

There may be people who are so deeply entrenched in your life, it’s like sawing off your own arm to escape. But you need to…for your mental health.

On the other side of all this is the circle of friends you always dreamed of having. The people who love, care for you and who let you live your own life. The ones who don’t take your kindness for granted.

Life is better when there is nobody sitting over in the corner hoping to see you stumble and fall. If they don’t love you at your worst, they certainly don’t deserve you at your best.

The Best Exercise For Depression You’ll Ever Do

Many of us haven’t had easy lives.

Do you ever feel if you listed out a timeline of all the stuff that’s happened to you, it would floor most people? But so many of us don’t like to talk about it. We don’t want to dwell on things. We don’t want to be a permanent victim. So we’ll shut up and carry it with us while people tell us things like, “Maybe you should exercise, take vitamins, try essential oils, do the Keto diet, see a therapist, buy this book, attend this seminar, go out into nature…” etc.

True. Many of these things are vastly impactful on your quality of life. But people telling you these things do not understand your phase of depression.

When you are here, desperate for relief, depression feels like you are caught in the jaws of the beast. You can struggle all you want, but nothing gets you OUT. Nothing can release you.

Depression is a totally hopeless feeling. You might feel like your time has come and gone. Everything you had hoped for yourself is now out of reach. Or you’re looking around at everyone rising every morning, going to work – For what? What is the purpose of all this? To live for a short time, then die? Are we all competing with each other? There is always someone smarter, better-looking, better at our job than we are, etc. What is the point of all of this?

One of my favorite pastimes, when depressed, used to be endlessly Googling things like:

“Life seems pointless”
“Everyone would be better off without me”
“I don’t want to live anymore”
“I’d kill myself, but I don’t have the balls”

Yes, I could be a regular Eeyore.
Was I fun or what?

I was praying Google would give me the answer out of nowhere. It never happened. I might get directed to an article with one of the universal “Thanks, but that doesn’t help” tips like…”Hey, exercise! You’ll feel better!”

While this is true, when you are feeling like the walls are closing in and you are having a hard time just breathing, shallow advice is not what you want to hear.

Your mind is in crisis.

You don’t tell a man who is having a heart attack to get up and run because it prevents heart disease and he’ll feel better. He is in crisis. He needs immediate help.

When you have reached crisis level depression, if you are brave enough to tell someone the severity, they tell you things like “My door is always open” or refer you to the suicide hotline. A person truly in crisis may feel insulted by this. They may not need talking off the ledge. They just need to know RIGHT NOW what to do to relieve this horrible feeling. Not tomorrow, not next week. Right now. They are stuck in a moment so painful they need help getting through it.

At the worst, they end up in a psychiatric hospital. Now, they get to carry the stigma of “crazy” because they were depressed. Why is it depression is never taken seriously until it involves suicide or suicide attempts. How sad is that?

Most people don’t really want to die.
They just want to learn how to live.

With a heavy dose of medication, they’re sent on their way. Maybe, if they’re lucky, they get a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who is worth a damn and they are able to walk through the root of the cause.

The problem is, the ones who need help the most usually don’t get treatment. Maybe they can’t afford it, have anxiety so bad even getting to a therapy appointment and through it is more than they can take, they’ve had bad therapists before that didn’t help them, or maybe they were put on medication that didn’t solve their problems but made them feel like a walking zombie.

If you’re in crisis and you’ve found yourself here – Welcome. I have an exercise for you. While it’s not the physical exercise your friends are recommending, it’s one that will help you mentally.

I get you. Stay with me, friend. There is light. There is hope.

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Depression’s Link With Anger

Right now, you may not know how you’re going to get through another minute of this. Breathe and relax.

For now, we’re not going to focus on what you’re upset about right now. The reason you are not dealing well with the present is because you have never learned to deal with the past. If you need to skip ahead and do the exercises to come below for present things you are dealing with – You are more than welcome to do so. For generalized depression, we’re going to start in the past and move forward because you will see how these things build on each other a little easier.

Sigmund Freud once said: “Depression is anger turned inward.”

It’s true. Think about it. If you were ever suicidal or knew someone suicidal, many times they were someone others knew as good people. They probably had a lot going for them to everyone else.

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Often, they are the nice people, the funny ones, the ones who give so much to others. But they become tired and weary. They are taken advantage of over and over again for their kindness.

When they need to heal, other people are asking them to take on their problems. “They won’t mind“. They suffer in silence while anger slowly builds. They become the butt of other people’s jokes because “They won’t mind”. Other people know them as someone with a good sense of humor.

They walk the tightrope, trying to be a good, decent human being that makes others laugh, and being a miserable, angry person who hates the world. As the facade begins to crumble, they lash out in fits of anger nobody saw coming. They overreact. The anger bubbles over the edges of a long-boiling pot, dousing the flame of life below that kept them going.

Yet, so many still refer to someone who committed suicide as selfish.

Excuse me? These people commit suicide because they truly feel the world, and lives of people around them, would be better off without them. How on earth is that selfish?

The last person most suicidal people are usually thinking about is themselves.

Depression, at its heart, is seething rage. Wrapped in sadness, misery and hopelessness.

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If you are depressed, you may not feel it. You feel sad more than anything, because you have not given your permission yet, for this blue-covered sadness to show its angry red underbelly.

But it’s there. Some people may have chemical imbalances or other reasons for depression, but what I’m about to tell you has been life-changing.

The Most Therapeutic Exercise For Depression

I want you to picture your depression as a giant field of weeds. Other people have fields of flowers and – Lucky you! –  You have weeds. For the weeds you are picturing in your mind, you can give them some sad, blue blooms if you want, but make no mistake – They are weeds.

Maybe you have some beautiful flowers in there, too, but weeds have taken over, choking them, preventing their growth. Each weed of depression grows from roots of anger underground. How do you get down to the roots to pull them up?

We’ve got to dig deep, my friend.

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Trace the stem of one weed down into the dirt. What caused you to feel so much sadness and hopelessness?

I guarantee you, after you trace that stem down beneath the surface into the dirt, you’re going to find glowing red roots made up of unfulfilled destiny, a hurt, something someone said once, something someone did once, some regrets you have, your shame, your fears that kept you from reaching your potential, the things holding you back, the negative people in your life who don’t take you seriously or discount you, the people who want you to fail, the pain you caused others, the guilt you feel…This is the root of your depression. And certain life factors continue to nurture and water the depression, keeping the soil it grows in fertile.

At the time these things happened, you felt some fear or anger. Because you didn’t know how to process these emotions, you buried them. They were seeds. Now they’ve grown into this overwhelming sadness. The only way to get through this is to go, weed by weed, down to the root.

This weed grew because your mother said you were worthless, once.
This one grew because you were bullied in school.

You never realized how much these small incidents impacted you, did you? Remember it like it was yesterday. It’s going to sting all over again, but you’re holding the weed killer. You just never knew it.

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Here is where the exercise comes in. Take out a pen and paper. A notebook for this is even better. It might shake you up emotionally, but you’re going to feel better. This might take you months or years to do, but if therapy is not your thing or even if you are seeing a therapist, this is going to help you open a lot of doors and finally tackle some of those weeds keeping flowers from growing in your garden.

Think back to the earliest you can remember. I want you to, total stream of consciousness, start writing the things from your early childhood that made you angry starting with:  “I’m angry because…”

I’m angry because my parents never stood up for me.
I’m angry because my brother was the favorite in the family.
I’m angry because of that incident in the kitchen where my brother threw the cereal across the floor and I got blamed and beaten because of it.
I’m angry because grandpa said I was lazy and spoiled.

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Let it out. STOP WORRYING ABOUT “SOUNDING LIKE A VICTIM”. Realize this is a projection someone else in your life has put on you to prevent you from handling your problems.

Don’t worry that it sounds like whining.
Don’t worry that it sounds self-pitying.
Stop that thinking. You’re safe here.

In this space of paper, you can finally say all those things that have always pissed you off. You can listen to angry or sad music if you want as you do this. Maybe you are starting to see, shoving your hurt and anger underground and letting it fester has only producing a sad bunch of weeds choking your happiness.

You may want to do a small section of your childhood and stop.

Take note of how you feel afterwards. Relieved? Happier? Guilty? Beware of guilt. If this exercise makes you feel guilty, you may have had someone in your life who did not allow you to properly express your emotions. This is a dangerous thing. They may have stressed to you that “nobody likes a victim”. But guess what? You are getting all this out of your system because you don’t want to be a victim. You are dealing with it. That’s the bravest, most noble thing you can do.

The Peace of Resolution

You’re not done just yet. Acknowledging the feelings is one thing, but I’m not going to ask you to do something about it. What are you possibly going to do about an incident that happened when you were six that still brings you painful feelings? Instead, I want you to open another page and write down the first thing you wrote. I am going to ask you to bring closure to the incident.

“I’m angry because my parents never stood up for me” then add a big comma + BUT afterwards:

“I’m angry because my parents never stood up for me, but…”

And now I want you to reflect on this. You’ve been feeling this anger for a long time. Maybe you never really acknowledged it, but it’s been there. So don’t dwell on your parents never standing up for you. Think – Has anything good happened as a result of this?

“I’m angry because my parents never stood up for me, but because they didn’t, I learned to stand up for myself. I learned what it feels like to have nobody on your side. As a result, I’ve always stuck up for the underdog. I’ve always helped people who are hurting. It’s made me a better parent, a better person, a better friend. My kids will never feel like they have no one in their corner. I’m learning to parent myself the way my parents failed to and stick up for myself.”

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Don’t make excuses for someone else’s nasty treatment of you. If you forgive them, you can write that, too, but don’t excuse someone else’s bad behavior. However, for even the worst of the worst of incidents, sometimes there are things you learned or something from the incident that caused you to relate more with other people. Sometimes there is a positive side. Not always.

Go through every one of your “I’m angry because…” statements. It may still make you angry to recall. You don’t have to redefine everything in positive terms. Making the negative positive is not going to bring you healing. Sometimes negative is just that. What will bring you healing is defining an END each of the events by giving your final thought on it. You’re acknowledging it happened and saying, “It is what it is” and giving your final thoughts on it or stating any lessons learned. Sometimes it will not be positive or pretty. You have a right to own that anger and justify feeling it, then closing the door on it. “I was angry then, but now it’s funny because look at the source!”

“I’m angry because grandpa said I was lazy and spoiled, but you know what? Grandpa was an alcoholic jerk who only saw me twice a year and didn’t live with us to see all the chores I did and how much I did to help my parents. Grandpa was also talking to a 7 year-old kid who acts like a child. Most kids aren’t the picture of productivity at that age so Grandpa can shove his opinion up his you-know-what along with his hemorrhoids”

It’s okay to make yourself laugh during this. You are now in a place of healing. After you’ve felt the anger, it’s important to point out the lessons learned, the ways it changed you, to reframe the incident or to point out the sheer ridiculousness of what happened.  It’s totally okay to make light of even the darkest situations in your life.

You’ve been carrying anger with you for so long. It’s time to set it down.

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The weird thing is, as you dredge up these old memories and resolve them, more that had upset you that you’d forgotten about will crop up. You’ll be truly amazed at how much hurt you were hanging onto from childhood. I was shocked at some of the stuff that still pissed me off.

It should be no surprise. As children, we encounter situations all the time that we don’t know how to process yet, mentally. We’re still very young. If we had traumatic childhoods, we could have fields of weeds that stretch on for miles. I wasn’t capable, at the age of five, to put many things into perspective. I was still angry with the boy next door who stole my Star Wars figurines (Of course, maybe I should still be angry. Those things would probably be worth money now).

I’d recommend keeping a notebook. You can write them down as they happen and resolve them as you move on with life. I’m not there yet, myself, but maybe one day, I can learn to take an incident that happened as it’s happening and learn to reframe my thinking so I don’t let pain blossom into a full blown weed again.

As cheesy as this whole exercise sounds, it’s the only written exercise I’ve ever done that has been so powerful and instrumental enough that it allowed me to express the anger, found rationality in the anger and allowed me to calm, self-soothe and dismiss the anger.

Sometimes the great philosophical minds of our time are right. Freud certainly was. Anger – A million tiny papercuts to our soul – Is often the cause of debilitating depression.

I don’t care if it sounds corny, from one person with depression to another – Try it. Put yourself in control of every bad memory. Rewrite the angle of every single one like a screenwriter would write a movie. It’s all about perspective.

Namaste.

You deserve every happiness.

Why the World Needs More Mentors

How many mentors do you have in your life? Real mentors. People successful in their own right, but who also believe there is room at the top and offer expertise to help you and others get there?

Or do you feel you are surrounded by people more willing to pull up a lawn chair and laugh at the miserable failures in your life?

Do you have people who are there for you in bad times or when you are a failure, but then disappear when you start becoming successful?

Do true mentors still exist or is giving professional guidance a thing of the past?

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Why we Crave Mentorship

Some people never grew up with parents who held their hands, guided them, genuinely cared about their success, etc. They lack confidence. Social anxiety is common these days because we have whole generations being raised without people in their lives who give a damn. Actually, really, truly give a damn.

So many times, I’ve worked with people I admired and have looked up to as mentors. I asked lots of questions and begged for more responsibilities. To me, I would see someone below me asking for more knowledge as a blessing. Why wouldn’t you want to be surrounded with people on missions of personal growth? Doesn’t this make for happier people and a better environment? Being under the same umbrella of organization, aren’t we on the same team? Do we not have the shared goal to advance our company above all?

But some people see proactivity in others as a threat. They gravitate towards almost Machiavellian tactics. It’s not about the company. It’s not about being a good person and mentoring another. It’s about personal success, wealth, slithering their way to the top, claiming a crown, adorning themselves in achievements.

Heaven help those of us who have good hearts and think we can succeed in the work world through our smarts, integrity, kindness and agreeability.

Today’s global employment network isn’t made for people like us. We are not willing to lie, cheat and steal to gain empowerment. We don’t want to step on others to get ahead and use people. We crave mentorship because we have an old-fashioned notion that people want to help others because of their virtues and because they find us deserving. We want mentors. We crave the ability to accept an award for our achievements someday and point to our mentor in the crowd and say, “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

Let’s be clear; A mentor is not a “life coach”. It’s not someone who asks us to pay them for counseling sessions, their ebook, their podcast, their course on how to win at life. A mentor is not Tony Robbins preaching at us from a stage, pacing and cussing about how we need to get our crap together (although this can be useful).

A mentor is a relationship – Someone one-on-one devoted to our success out of the goodness of their heart, a love for a cause or objective bigger than themselves which you could help with, or maybe even a selfish motive of getting some credit or positive accolades back to their name, someday, when you bloom into who you are meant to be. There are role models, life coaches, motivators, etc. and we must be clear on their differences.

Of all these, mentors are the most personal because they take a personal interest in you. We want this central person to be our voice of reason. We want their expertise and their guidance. We feel lost in the workplace and world at large and see our mentors as people who have figured it out enough to gain admirability. In a world where it’s become not cool to have role models, we realize in the workplace and in career pursuits, we still need them. We need goals to aspire to and people who have forged paths before us who make us believe it’s possible. We need mentors because we don’t fully trust ourselves and will always seek a voice of reason. We want to hear about their stories, know them, learn from their successes and failures. To us, they are worthy and admirable.

Sounds pretty flattering, right?

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The Pain of Failed Mentorship

Every day, I used to go into Sally’s office, whose job I was labeled as an “assistant” to. We would talk about personal stuff, work stuff, and I would volunteer to take more off her plate. Sally gladly handed me the tedium she didn’t want to deal with.

Certainly, phone calls were one of those tediums. So I ended up taking 90% of Sally’s calls. Balancing this with all the paperwork I was supposed to be doing was a challenge.

But I had a goal – First, I wanted Sally to like me. Purely and genuinely. Not because of any ulterior motive. I liked her. As a person, I thought she was charismatic, fun, motivating and brightened the room. Then, I wanted her to teach me the ropes. I was mid-career and had no idea where I was going in my life, but I wanted direction. I wanted to get to that next step. I wanted to be respected, too, eventually. I didn’t want to be someone’s 60 year-old assistant someday.

But Sally had me firmly sealed in a corner. After years as her assistant, I watched the CEO of the company bring in new managers equal to Sally and wondered why I wasn’t getting promoted. I liked Sally, but I couldn’t help notice she spent more and more time out of the office and my desk was piling up with her work. I wasn’t getting a raise. I wasn’t getting a promotion. I was getting the shaft and everybody in the company knew it and made it a point to tell me so.

I went into the Big Boss’s office and asked him what his plans were for me. I asked him straight out if I was a permanent assistant to Sally. He said she couldn’t do it without me and would be devastated if I moved on. I told him I liked Sally, but I didn’t want to be an assistant the rest of my career. His eyes narrowed as he appraised me and told me he didn’t think I was good enough. He said Sally had complaints about my work.

I left his office infuriated. The one person I considered a mentor had complaints? I had worked day and night trying to make her look good. There wasn’t a single deserved complaint about my level of effort. I turned out work above and beyond expectations and I knew it. So, completely disheartened, I left the company and took a promotion with another company.

Shortly after I left, Sally was fired. I was the crutch she leaned on and she couldn’t make do without me. Having not been properly mentored, within six weeks at the new company, I quickly realized I was over my head in the management role with the new company and resigned my position.

Had Sally mentored me, I probably would have happily been her assistant for more years as I learned more. When I was ready, she could have put in a good word and I could have been promoted. I could have properly trained her new assistant to be everything she needed. The company could have maintained its forward motion and we could have overtaken our competitors. Easily.

How much is lost when people who are good at what they do operate compartmentalized and do not mentor their peers to become better than they are?

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The Fear of Mentoring

While Sally threw all her tedious projects my way, I couldn’t help but notice she closely guarded certain aspects of her job. When I volunteered to help, she consistently told me she would take care of it.

At first, I thought nothing of all this and then I started seeing that Sally may actually consider me a threat. I found this laughable because nothing I offered could beat her experience. The field I worked in is faced with daily challenges. The only way you can truly be considered a “success” in the field is to be the most experienced. Only when you have handled all these challenges multiple times, do you become an old, seasoned pro who knows how to handle things each time because you dealt with all the ramifications of your decisions from the last time it happened.

I knew this. But perhaps she worried the head boss might not know this and may boot her to the curb in favor of shinier, younger, newer talent whom he could pay far less than what he was paying her. Maybe her fears were justified.

There is a lot of fear when it comes to mentoring. What if the person you mentor stabs you in the back and takes your job? What if the person you mentor isn’t thankful? What’s in it for you? What if you don’t have it all figured out yourself and this person is looking at you like you are Yoda, waiting for you to dispense wise advice you just don’t have? Are you even a mentor in the first place?

Most people don’t come right out and call you a mentor. They just casually seek your advice on a consistent basis. If so, it’s safe to assume they consider you somewhat of a mentor. Don’t make them feel stupid for asking you. It’s a huge compliment.

Maybe you are the one with a junior colleague who always seems to be coming to you for career advice. Don’t be afraid to be a mentor. No, you don’t know it all and that’s okay. Being a know-it-all is not required. But dispensing what you do know and offering an educated opinion is why you are being looked up to and asked for guidance.

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The Death of Mentorship

There are many warnings out there.

“Those who can’t do, teach” and those who closely guard secrets to success are wise.

But in reality, those who find ways to make life easier, who gain knowledge and sit on it, whose ego and greed become a sadistic need to hide gifts so other people may not gain from them – tend to become the very worst people of all.

We are not talking the formula for Coca-Cola here.

We are talking basic professionals refusing to mentor junior associates out of sheer greed. We are talking people with the need to hold all cards close to their chest so that when they leave a company, the company can’t function without them. This is the new screed, the new way of doing things.

You may hear people are too busy to be mentors now, but this simply isn’t true. We have the same number of hours in the day as we always have. Mentoring doesn’t mean a mentor has to give constant pep talks. A mentor can gently guide in minutes. But some things in society have changed…

Ask a child who their role models are and most of the time, you might get a confused “I don’t know” – As narcissism and self-obsession have grown in our culture, we have started asking others for their opinions less and less. We know it all now. why would we ask someone else for an opinion? That’s what Google is for.

We live in a society where everyone’s personal demons are now front page news instead of tabloid fodder. We’ve seen Presidents disgraced, celebrities live flawed lives, sports figures jailed…Who is there left to admire? And how long before the people we admire screw up? Look hard enough at anyone, and you’ll find something about them to be disappointed about.

Who could possibly mentor you when all the mentors and role models are tarnished, imperfect in every way, or flawed?

We live in a time of ugliness on the cusp of the greatest beauty when we finally learn to accept flaws exist and shape the human experience more than anything else. Maybe we will learn mentors are sometimes people who have walked through fire, committed the greatest mistakes, and haven’t led pure and unblemished lives.

Mentorship was dying, but will flourish again. The rise of Machiavellian get-rich-quick schemes, narcissism and the sabotage of those on the path to success will be discovered to be miserable living. The era of wealth and excess led us to this point of selfishness, but a society can not sustain itself on self absorption.

We need mentors. We need the people willing to take others under their wing. We need those who see others struggling with anxiety and lack of confidence who will take two seconds of their day to set them on the right path with words of wisdom. We need those people who believe in us and bring out the best in us.

A company stacked with mentors is a company stacked for success.

Mentors shape our world. We need more people not afraid to be mentors and if you are lucky enough to be mentored, never take for granted the fact that somebody cared enough to assist you with your success. Give accolades where they are due and pass it on.

Do You Expect Too Much of Your Friends?

Reality TV has saturated the time-tested status quo of friendship with new rules. From the scripted Desperate Housewives, Sex in the City, Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl, etc. to the juicy, diabolical not-so-ordinary lives of The Real Housewives, Kardashians, etc. In the process, friendship has been redefined in ways impossible to maintain.

Pictures with quotes appear on social media telling us how we should live and love. While some realize all the Facebook quotes about friendship are…well, bullshit. Others tend to make them their gospel. Preach, sister.

With ‘friendship’ being redefined before our eyes, we adopt too many rules, expectations, etc. of those we call friends. Friendship with someone with too many expectations is like a minefield. You’ll find yourself tip-toeing lightly, terrified of setting them off.

It’s time to dial back these guerrilla expectations of friendship. What makes a “Friendzilla”? Read on.

Your friends are not allowed to like people you do not like

“Oh, HELL no. Didn’t I make it clear to her what kind of person Suzy Q was? Then why do I see her in party pictures from Saturday night at Suzy’s house? What the hell was that about? I’ve told her Suzy is bad news and she still insists on going over there laughing with her, drinking her wine and chatting it up? Disgusting. I just can’t hang out with people with morals like that who aren’t smart enough to smell a rat. They were probably talking about me. After all, I know that’s what we would be doing if she were at my house. We’d be talking smack on Suzy. We love bitching about other bitches being bitches.”

Maybe you didn’t notice, but this makes your friends extremely uncomfortable… because they don’t think Suzy is all that bad.

You get mad if they don’t call, text or go out with you on your timeline

“Friends talk every day on the phone! Everyone knows this! Or, at least, everyone who is friends with me should know this. What the hell could she have to do that is more important than talking to me? Why can’t she multitask holding a phone to her ear while changing her baby, picking up the kids from school, folding laundry, and cooking dinner like I can?”

Why can’t your friend who works full time call you on her lunch break? Is it that damn difficult? Because she has responsibilities. You are important to her, but her life is too.

You expect them to share all the same opinions you do

“Don’t they know that Trump is the worst president everrrrrrr? How can she say he’s not that bad? You can’t be friends with someone like that! Ugh! How gross. And they don’t like ‘Sex in the City’?! What is wrong with them! It’s the best show of the 21st Century! I can’t believe she doesn’t like ‘Twilight’ or ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – What does she mean it’s like they are the same book with sex? What a prude.”

Yeah, you don’t need friends with such stupid opinions. Who cares that she bailed you out of jail, watched your kids for a month, or held you while you mourned the loss of your brother? Differences of opinion are just that. “Anyone who likes X is a B” is a mentality which sets you up for disastrous relationships. Look at who they are by their actions. That tells you all you need to know.

You expect them to follow a ‘girl code’ nobody can define

“Wooooow. She’s dating my ex-boyfriend? From middle school? Didn’t she know you are supposed to wait 40 years and then ask permission? This is so not cool. Almost as not cool as the time she dated the guy I liked first, but couldn’t date because he was a Sagittarius. It’s the GIRL CODE, stupid! Look it up!! Where? Oh, well you can’t, but like, it’s common sense stuff that every girl should know, right? There’s not a King James Version or anything. But still, date a guy I once thought was cute and said so first, I’ll cut you.”

If you’re asking people not to cross invisible lines in the sand or to follow a rule book that is not clearly defined and in print, why be mad when they break a ‘girl code’?

You get mad they can’t drop anything at anytime to help you

“Your mother’s funeral? What kind of excuse is that? You’re having a health and wellness party where you can buy your multi-level marketing product at half off! Half off!!! What is wrong with these stupid bitches? This is the deal of the century and they’re going to miss it! They’re so selfish for not helping a friend reach Platinum Level! Okay, so what time does burying your mother finish? Because I’m sure you can make it in time for vodka martinis and a game of Cards Against Humanity afterwards. It’s going to be so much fun! “Can’t wait to see you! I’ll leave the catalogue out so you can look at it when you get here…”

Your friends would love to be there for you. But if you guilt trip them, ignore their needs or are too demanding, don’t be surprised when they turn their backs on you.

You get too jealous when your friends exceed you in looks, finances, relationships, etc. and become bitter towards them

“Who the hell does she think she is being happy when my husband just left me? What kind of B.S. is this? Posting photos with her new man, talking about her new job and how great her life is right now. It’s effing ridiculous. That’s what it is. She should have some concern for all the people who aren’t as stupid happy as she is. Obviously, the rest of us aren’t doing as well and she should take that into consideration before posting that happy crap all in our faces. “The best sign of a relationship is no sign of it on Facebook” – Status update. Done. That should show her! Ugh…and the new job! She just wants to brag about how much money she’ll be making while the rest of us struggle to find work. What a terrible person.”

If you can’t be happy for your friends, they can’t be happy for you.

You stop talking to them if you disapprove of who they are with

“Ew. What does she see in him? He’s not even cute. He looks like Steve Carrell. He’s so frickin’ ugly. Barf. And he doesn’t even know how to dress! What the hell is he wearing? Looks like he stole one of Screech’s outfits from Saved By the Bell. I mean, he’s cute in a weird way, I guess, but not for her. Their personalities and astrological qualities are a disaster waiting to happen and I’m going to be the first to say “I told you so!” when it goes bust. What an idiot! Maybe I should start some gossip to make this happen a little faster. Oh, she will thank me later when she realizes I was right and what a loser he is.”

When you question your friend’s romantic partners, you are questioning more than just the guy. You are questioning their choices. It can be highly insulting when you find the love of your life only to have your girlfriends treat him like crap because they don’t like him. The truth is, you may be right about him. But it’s her life to live and her mistakes to make. Respect her as a friend, but keep your opinions about her boyfriend being a loser to yourself and hang out with your friend on your own if her boyfriend bugs you so much. She’s a big girl. If he’s really a loser, she’ll realize it soon enough.

You think ‘Three is a crowd’

“Um, no. I like Amber. But you two go to see that movie without me? Just because you know I hate Ryan Reynolds and will never, ever go see something with him in it, ever, and told you “No”? Excuse me? That means, and let me spell it out for you in big letters – MOVIE DATE CANCELED – Meaning, you don’t just run off with Amber to see it. In fact, you and ME are besties, right? So why the hell do you even need Amber anymore? She’s just extra baggage. She’s just another ear who will hear your secrets and might tell people. Haven’t you ever heard to ‘keep your circle small’? You’re ruining our small circle. Stop needing other people’s approval. All you need is me.”

At one time or another, many of us have ended up in needy, clingy relationships. We surely don’t need needy, clingy friends as well. This kind of attitude is just creepy and screams insecurity. It’s the kind of behavior they warn about in bad romantic relationships. It’s a good warning in friendships, too.

You push them to do things that violate their standards

“Quit being such a buzzkill. One more round of shots isn’t going to kill you. No, girl. Literally. Take this last shot of Fireball. Oh geez, you’ve only had seven! What’s one more? The club doesn’t close for another hour. Trust me. You’ll dance it off and then you’ll be just fine to drive home. Oh my God! That guy is still checking you out. You should totally just walk up and kiss him. Go home with him! You’re stupid if you don’t because he is hot. Seriously, you will never get an opportunity like this again. You’ll regret it. He could be THE ONE. You’d never know it because you are being chickenshit. You’ll thank me for this later. I promise. Go do it!!”

Maybe you enjoy your role as being the devil on their shoulder, but the truth is, you are encouraging your friend to make bad decisions which can be outright dangerous. If someone is really your friend, you worry about their wellbeing, not encourage them to push beyond their comfort zone into doing things they don’t feel comfortable with.

You expect them to read your mind

“Hmm…Why isn’t she taking the hint? I’ve already hit her with a hundred passive aggressive memes. I can’t just say it. That would make me look really bad. It would be…confrontational. You can’t just tell someone what you’re thinking! Oh Lord, no! You have to Google the perfect meme!”

From everything I’ve learned about memes & quotes…

Memes about friends who aren’t there for you = You haven’t called me today. I’m mad

Memes making fun of people posting about their relationships online = I’m jealous. Please stop

Memes making fun of girls wearing makeup = Stop being prettier than me

See?! It’s like girl morse code. Learn to read it; Or face their wrath.

You judge them by how much they do for you, not how much they love you

“Seriously. Candy bought me a scarf and a bottle of perfume. What did you buy me? When I had a party, Candy bought me a jug of homemade moonshine. Candy helped me move when I needed someone with a truck. Candy came to my party and bought $150 worth of my products to help me reach Platinum level. Candy got me an autographed copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ (and even told the author to ignore the stain on the inside of the book – That’s a true friend!). What have you done for me? Oh yeah, your mother died. Whatever. Some excuse. Maybe Candy should be my new best friend! Wait…what? What do you mean “Good luck to Candy”?

I once had a friend I loved dearly, but I couldn’t attend her destination wedding in the Caribbean. I simply couldn’t afford it at the time. As a result, I became a HORRIBLE person. Not to mention, the wedding was on New Year’s Eve and I’d already had plans made a year in advance. Mind you, I was never asked to be a bridesmaid. I was just asked to attend. Not surprisingly, she canceled the entire event in a tearful e-mail telling everyone how it seemed like nobody cared about her big day.

This was a friend whom I’d talked to during her boyfriend’s deployments and we’d developed a friendship online. She became downright vindictive and nasty after that. All the kind things I’d done for her meant nothing because of the one thing I couldn’t do for her – Pay thousands to attend a wedding and cancel all other plans.

Friendships are a give and take. Lives get busy, people get busy. Expect nothing of your friends other than that they be good decent people, and you will not be disappointed.

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Sick Of Others Telling You Who You Are? Read This

Sometimes, as a kind soul, you live your whole life with your mind open allowing others to stuff whatever they want in there because you TRUST people…

You trust them to be honest and kind. Sometimes, they are even in a role in your life where you should be able to trust them like a mother, father, close friend, sibling, a teacher, etc…but you can’t because they say horrible things when you need encouragement.

“You’re just not that smart…”

Ouch. But things this devastating and even worse have been said after revealing a goal to people like this. They quickly let you know whatever you tell them you are striving for is out of your reach. Laughable, even.

But what they are saying actually tells you more about them and how they see you rather than anything about yourself. Their words are not your truth. Their words are to protect their own egos by attempting to hold you down. You’re telling them you may stray from the mold they are used to seeing you in. They are not comfortable with that.

They’ll invade your space, cross your boundaries and then label YOU as “selfish”.
“You’re NOTHING without a college degree.”
“But…uh, you’re not that attractive?”
“You’re too OLD.”
“What happened to your diet?” (looking you up and down)

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They want you to fail so badly, you may actually start to become what they always wanted you to be. You give up on your dreams. You allow their words to sink in. You believe it. And it crushes you.

Who would we have become had we not had our heads stuffed full of others’ projections?

Who could we still become?

What if we could open our minds like a treasure chest and pull out all the negative crap others have told us about ourselves?

What if we could wipe off the residue of their negativity off our self perception and be the amazing person we were created to be?

If you notice, two types of people become raging successes – Sociopaths who hurt everyone, do not care about anyone and are ruthless in their pursuits; Or intelligent people who clean out their trunks, put a lock on them and never let the words of anyone inside.

The words “Trust no one” sound so cold, but with time you begin to understand.

Trust those who respect who you are and are not determined to paint you into a role they want you to play while casting characters in their own life.

Trust the ones who see the good in you and make it a point to tell you.

Trust the ones who say, “Wow! That’s so cool!” and mean it when you tell them about your plans.

Trust the ones who give you helpful suggestions and smart solutions.

Trust the ones who want to see you succeed and don’t feel your success is a threat to their own.

Trust the ones who realize there is room at the top for many and have learned the fine art of sitting on their own jealousy to help and support you because they know you would do the same for them.

Trust those who want to share in your happiness and celebrate with you.

Whenever you have big dreams, you are inevitably going to come across those who tell you to “Be realistic” and roll their eyes at you either openly or behind your back. These are the kinds of people who never break through the limits of their own life.

You may be tempted to waste your time bestowing extra love on these types of people because “they need it the most”, but people determined to hurt you are not worth the effort to try loving them out of it. It doesn’t work and it further drags you down in your mission. They need to realize the detriment of their negativity on their own terms.

Let them go and like a helium balloon, you will rise.

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When you threaten the reality of others, you are always going to experience blowback.

“Sarah. Sarah? Sarah wants to start her own company? Don’t make me laugh! Sarah isn’t that smart. Sarah isn’t that capable. NO way Sarah could do that. She can’t even bake a casserole right. Sarah is just a stay-at-home mom. Sarah is headed for disaster.”

If you’re Sarah, this would probably be enough to do you in. One negative person can fill our minds with self doubts.

“That balloon is about to fly towards better things, better tie a rock to its string!”

But what if, unlike what they are asserting, your head is not full of air? You have a business plan, have done your legwork and your business idea makes great sense. If you are Sarah – Honey, I hope you shove that rock up your detractor’s butt and go for what you believe in.

Learn to separate legitimate criticisms from jealous idiocy. If a detractor says something to you, give what they brought up twenty-four hours of research and sleep on it. Examine the validity of their criticism. If it’s valid, find your way around it. It’s an obstacle. Not a roadblock. Then move on.

Another thing you must learn – A venture does not equal “I want to be a rich and famous gazillionaire” and you need to remind haters of this.

They might immediately say, “Sarah wants to be rich and famous! Hahahaha!”

However, smart people know, it’s not always about wealth and fame. It’s about the measure of your own happiness, doing what makes you happy and what is best for you and your family.

It is sometimes hard for people who are money-motivated, themselves, to realize money is not always the “End All, Be All” to all people. Some people have supportive spouses who are content enough with their own jobs that they tell their partner to pursue something which makes them deliriously happy – Because they love them. Because it makes them happy to see the person they are with ridiculously happy.

Some people are born to help others and might make this their dream in life. This doesn’t always bring in a massive paycheck, but it brings spiritual, emotional fulfillment that brings them peace.

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In a culture driven by greed, wealth, beauty, etc., so many have a difficult time realizing some people do things for reasons outside of the shallow boundaries of narcissism.

Realize all the things people are going to throw at you come from their own projections. Every projection they cast at you is rooted in their own insecurity.

Maybe they don’t feel smart enough to see beyond the shallow.

Maybe they feel like they are too old and “missed their time”.

Maybe they were never brave enough to take the steps you’ve taken.

Today, open your treasure chest – The storage trunk of your mind. Let’s pull out those horrible things said to you. Write them down on paper if you want. Burn them.

Yes, they might still remain in your memory, but put the power of those words on paper and burn it. Burn the effect those words have had over you for so long.

Photo credit Alamy Stock Photo

Maybe you don’t have your goal in mind. Maybe you don’t have your ultimate dream, yet, because those words others put in your mind have embedded so deeply that you don’t even know who you are anymore.

Relax. It’s okay. It’s happened to many of us…and sometimes those projections are so strong, it can take half our lives to discard them and figure out who we are.

You begin by discarding all those negative words and projections.

Every horrible thing ever said needs pulled from the storage trunk of your mind and burned. When you’ve gotten rid of all the negativity, look at the residue left behind. The residue is the cloudiness of separating your perceptions from others.

Do you really think these horrible things about yourself or your goal? Or was that something someone else put in your mind? If it’s yours, keep it. If it’s other people’s crap? Discard it.

What you will be left with is yourself. The purest version of you. An empty trunk waiting to be filled. Only this time, fill your trunk with what you choose to put in it and not that which others choose for you. Choose treasures, not junk.

This is your life, darling. Yours.

And today is the first day of the rest of it. You don’t have to die and be reborn to start over. Let the old self others created for you die. They never existed, anyway.

No more junk in your trunk. Only love.

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