Should You Update Your Relationship Status on Facebook?

Getting into or out of a relationship can be precarious. Not only in reality, but in breaking news to extended friends and family through social media.

There is no etiquette book on how to proceed with these situations without looking like a complete and total jackass, looking desperate or alienating others in stating the simple facts of our love lives.

Yes, there are the hipster couples who believe their love is above the tawdriness of social media. They look down their noses at those who feel the need to declare their ‘status’ on Facebook. They laugh at those who fall prey to the groupthink of social platforms. They don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. They don’t need Hallmark holidays. Etc. Etc.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. But for the rest, their online lives are tied to their real lives so when there is a big change in one…It’s only natural to want the other to reflect it, right?

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The New Relationship

Thrilled to be in a new relationship with Aaron and after a wonderful date the night before, Candace opened Facebook the next morning and updated her relationship status.

‘In a Relationship with…’

She selected his name from her list of friends and smiled.

The congratulations started pouring in. Old friends started asking when they might get to meet this new man in her life. Other mutual friends were saying, “About time!

These friends had been out on dates with Candace and Aaron, had a great time, and were genuinely happy for the couple.

Two months is good, right? Candace thought so. It wasn’t too soon. In fact, she’d seen people change their relationship status within days of meeting someone. So imagine Candace’s shock when Aaron refused to accept her relationship status invite.

“I don’t need that on my profile!” he rolled his eyes, “We’ve been dating two months! It’s too soon.”

A lengthy fight ensued and the couple called it quits.

In the days that followed, it haunted Candace. She had really liked Aaron. What if she was in the wrong? What if Aaron was right and they didn’t need to broadcast to the world they were in a relationship? Maybe she really screwed up a good thing.

But let’s take a look at reality – If someone is upset over others knowing they are in a relationship with you, there are reasons why and none of them are likely good unless they are in the witness protection program.

Candace’s Side

“I really love Aaron. I am almost certain that he’s The One. We’ve been dating for months and everything about it just feels right. He’s funny, intelligent, handsome, has a good job, would be a good dad, definitely marriage material…I want to be with him for the long haul. I really do. So I didn’t see the harm in making it Facebook official to our friends and family. Normal people would be okay with this, right?”

Aaron’s Side

“Yeah, Candace is cool. But I just don’t know. There are a lot of women out there. I’m definitely not seeing myself getting married in the next five years. I am not ready for all of that. And Candace is sexy…Really sexy. She doesn’t try to hide that and I’m not quite sure I want my family seeing some of the pictures she posts. To be honest, they’d think she was a tramp. Oh…and my friends. For one thing, they’d all have to check her out and give me a hard time about it. Then, every time they ever saw me so much as talking to another girl, they’d start asking me ‘What about Candace?” and I kinda want to keep my options open, you know? It would take someone really special to make me totally shut down all options and reserve myself for only her. I just don’t think Candace is that person. I want to keep dating her, but I don’t want to put it up in lights just yet. Or probably ever.”


In the case of relationships, unless you are that aforementioned hipster couple, if one half of the couple wants to update their status and the other doesn’t, there is hesitation there. And hesitation is always worth talking about.

If the reasons why aren’t legit, then maybe it’s time to abandon the ‘ship. A relationship status change to ‘In a relationship’ shouldn’t make you cringe. If it does, it’s time for a talk.

There is always the case that it’s too soon. So when should you tell the world? For a new relationship, that guideline is:

When you both can’t wait to tell the world about it.

You’ll know it. Be with them after a great date or a magical moment and say, “You know what I would love to do? I’d love to be able to make it public that I’m with you. Should we update our relationship status on Facebook?”

This simple conversation can save a lot of heartbreak if feelings are not mutual.

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For the Newly Single or Divorced

This can be one of the hardest things to do after a breakup and you’ll never know it until you are there, staring at a drop down box with options in front of you, realizing the finality of letting someone go (And how stupid it feels that you are crying over a selection on Facebook).

It’s especially tough after a relationship which lasted many, many years. It’s easy to go on with life and forget it’s there somewhere on your social media profiles. ‘Married to Sarah Smith’.

The good thing, for you, in a divorce situation, sometimes your ex-spouse will do the honors for you and change their status first. Gratefully, this defaults your status to just ‘Married’ – No name attached, just ‘married’.

Here’s the thing about Facebook:  Your every move is announced. If you change your status to ‘Single’ or ‘It’s complicated’ – Everyone will know and you will get the questions from everyone. The answer to the question, “When do I change my relationship status on Facebook after a breakup or divorce?” is this:

When you know for a fact it is over, a respectful amount of time has passed, and you are ready to talk about it.

If you’re not ready to talk about it, don’t change your status. If there is still hope for resolution, don’t change your status. If you and your spouse just had ‘THE fight’ – That final showdown you are convinced will end everything…


In the case of breakups, there are only a few reasons to change your relationship status. Think about these things before you hit that button:

  1.  Does everyone really need to know your business?
  2. Has a significant enough period of time gone by in which you know you’re not going to work things out? What’s a significant enough period of time? It’s very relative to how long you’ve been together and how well-established you are as a couple. There is no wrong amount of time, but there are amounts of time small enough where you will face more blowback, social damage and judgment.
  3. Are you ready to answer all the questions about what happened to well-meaning people on social media who may say insensitive things?
  4. Are you in an intense emotional state, right now?
  5. Are you itching to change it to ‘Single’ just to show your ex or to advertise to everyone on Facebook that you are now available to start lining up dates?

Remember, while changing your status can cause chaos, there is NO harm, even if they moved on and are already with someone else, in keeping your relationship status as it is for as long as you want, as long as you are not actively seeing other people.

If you’re wanting to stick it to them by being ‘single’ on social media – This is when you should definitely pause because it can backfire in serious ways, making the one who changes their status look like the cold, uncaring one.

Try using the in-between, more respectful status of ‘Separated’ before jumping straight from ‘Married’ to the desperate-sounding ‘Single’. Remember, attorneys are bringing social media actions into the courtroom now so tread lightly during dirty divorces.

While it seems like such a small thing, knowing when or when not to make it ‘Facebook Official’ can cause real tears and emotions. It’s not “Just Facebook”, it’s a mirror reflecting our lives, how they are, and how we want the world to see us and our relationships.




Why Does My Wife Always Think I’m Cheating?

“Where were you last night?”
“Where were you really?”
“Are you sure?”
“Were there women there?”

Every Saturday morning after your Friday poker night with the guys, this is what you wake up to the next day. Or if you are really lucky, you’ll get it as soon as you walk in the door that night.

“Why does she always think I am cheating?”

It can be frustrating if you are an upstanding, good man who is going to do exactly what he says he’s going to do – Play poker, try to take all his friends’ money and then come home and cuddle up next to her. Truly, that’s all you want out of life on a Friday night. Why is it so hard for her to see this?

Did you cheat on her in the past?

Cheating leaves residual scars. If you’ve cheated once, no matter how badly you feel about it and how much you wish you could go back and erase the whole incident – It’s something you may never live down. She may always have what you could do, what you did do in the back of her mind.

What to do: Be where you say you will be. As difficult as it is, if the relationship is that important to you, allow her full access to your phone if she really needs to see it (Yeah, this sucks and is a violation of privacy, but if you have nothing to feel guilty about – Do it!) If you’re the letter-writing type, write her a detailed letter explaining why you will never cheat again and what you learned from it. Tell her the exact reasons you don’t feel the need to cheat again. This is a woman who’s taken a big leap in trusting you again.

In this situation, there is very little you can do but thank your lucky stars she forgave you and move forward covering your tracks at all times until the years erase the pain.

Was she with a past cheater?

How much fun is it being punished for something you didn’t do? Being with someone who has faced cheating, abuse and a nightmare violation of trust can be a challenge. It may require a huge heart willing to love someone through the trauma and help them  heal. In the end, it can be worth it, but not without helping her work through her pain.

What to do: Hold her and tell her you are not him. Explain to her you are a simple man who prefers not to live lies and a man who believes in vows, loyalty and fidelity. Express sympathy for what she went through in the situation, calmly, while expressing why you feel it’s not fair to make you walk in another man’s shoes.

Do the friends she surrounds herself with, the movies, TV shows and books she reads make her think ALL men are destined to cheat?

You might feel like you have no chance here. Her friend’s husband cheated. So now you must be a cheater, too. She watches TV shows where everyone is cheating on everyone else. Her favorite movie is ‘Gone Girl’. Everything she watches revolves around men being cheating, lying scum. How could you possibly be an exception? In her mind, it’s not IF you will cheat. She’s wondering WHEN.

What to do: Watch those movies and TV shows with her. Act just as shocked as she does. “Wow! I can’t believe someone would do that to their wife!” Get upset with her that her friend’s husband did such a thing. Let her know you think guys who cheat are scum, too. It doesn’t matter if you thought Brad was a cool guy…Don’t side with Brad. Ever! Lest you want to be seen as being cut from the same cloth of infidelity he came from.

How does she feel about herself? Is she happy with her appearance?

Most women are not totally happy with their appearance. If they were totally happy, cosmetics companies, plastic surgeons, diet programs, etc. would not be so popular, right? Maybe she feels like crap about herself, looks at you, and genuinely thinks you could probably do better. These are the sick places a woman’s mind will roam when unhappy with her own body or looks.

What to do: Make her feel beautiful. Tell her constantly she is the most beautiful woman you know. Compliment specific things about her appearance so she knows you’re not full of it. Tell her why you fell in love with her and mean it. In our appearance-obsessed society, there are some couples where one partner is not conventionally seen as attractive as the other. “Why the hell is she with him?” may be asserted by others without realizing the damaging effect this can have on the self worth of the people actually in the relationship.

Are you too flirtatious with other women?

I’ve seen some guys ask, “Dude, why does she always think I’m cheating?” when two seconds before they were chatting it up with a gorgeous redhead, flashing that smile…The one his wife thinks is so devastating.

She thinks you’re a catch. She thinks you are truly something special. Otherwise, she wouldn’t get upset when you’re surrounded by a bevy of women hanging onto your every word. Some people are natural flirts and can’t help it and maybe this is you…and that’s fine. It may be part of your charm and charisma that follows you and it might be a near impossible personality trait to change. However, you can check the way you talk to other women. If you’re leaning too far in, making constant eye contact and not inviting your wife into the conversation, it can make even the most secure woman a little  uncomfortable.

What to do: Make it clear to your partner you are just talking. Invite her into the conversation. Find a parallel between a woman you are speaking with and your wife, right away. If she mentions a TV show, mention your wife loves it, too. She likes dancing?
“Oh, you love salsa dancing? My wife is one of the best! Baby, come here and meet Susan.” If your wife is nowhere in sight, make sure you mention her kindly. Nobody can mistake a man for being flirtatious when he’s speaking fondly of his wife. Interestingly enough, you will increase your respect with women when you speak flattering words about your partner.

Do you have a problem telling white lies and small lies that just don’t add up?

There are many people who have problems with pathological lying. Some people say things without thought as to why they are even lying. How many times has she caught you in a lie? If you lie to her about the small things, in her mind it is only a matter of time before you start lying about the bigger things.

What to do: Honesty is the best policy. Tell the truth. Even when it’s painful. You will never have a good relationship if you have a problem with lying. If it’s pathological and you know you have a serious problem, seek professional help.

Are you consistent?

Trust is built by always being where you say you are going to be, when you are going to be there and who you are going to be with. It’s built by having respectable boundaries with other women. It’s built by not sending texts or private messaging others with anything you would not want your wife to see. If you are secretive about your phone, vague about where you are going, what you’re doing and who is there or lie about any of this – even once – You run the risk of permanently damaging trust.

What to do: If you want to earn someone’s trust, be trustworthy. Be who they expect you to be and don’t do things that would embarrass or humiliate them. Live so if someone told an outright lie about you, nobody would dare believe it.


If you have gone through all this and still can’t find any reason why she may not trust you, it’s very possible that she may have some undiagnosed psychological cause the both of you may need to uncover with a qualified therapist.

The most important thing to remember is not to lose patience with your wife. Even thought it’s obnoxious, annoying and may make you less attracted to her because jealousy is such an ugly quality – It’s always worth it to first examine yourself to see if there is anything you may not have thought about that’s setting off the behavior.

You can’t change your partner – But you can change you if you are doing something that triggers a certain behavior in your spouse that drives you crazy.

There are certain things about your partner which you can’t and shouldn’t change and certain agreements the two of you may never agree upon. The important thing is not to hinge an entire relationship upon one disagreement. If you agree on a hundred things, but she doesn’t like the way you flirt with women – You’d probably be wise to work on fixing that one thing. If the thought of not flirting or being completely honest with your spouse seems impossible or like something you couldn’t do, there are some extreme self-evaluations that need to take place.

We’d like to think jealousy is always an irrational emotion from an angry woman, but very often, there is a cause of her jealousy. Where there is a cause, there is a solution.

101 Questions For Couples

WARNING! These are not the fun ‘getting to know you’ questions. This isn’t lighthearted stuff. This is REAL. The meat and potatoes of marriage. These are things marriages die over and they’re not always fun to discuss. They may be boring (like finances) or bring some heartache.

I’m going to be honest. You may read this list with your significant other – And it may not make a damn bit of difference. Some people are determined to be together no matter what the cost. Even when they shouldn’t. The only thing not included is… “Where do we go for dinner?” (Bad news – Couples have probably been fighting about this since Cro Magnon man threw carcasses down in front of the family cave for dinner).

When you meet someone and it feels like the moon and stars align in perfect harmony with the sun, and the sky is brighter, birds sing more sweetly, etc., nothing will convince you otherwise that red flags exist. New love blinds us. For the first years of a relationship, everything is beyond beautiful. When reality sets in, it’s scary as hell to realize you walked down the aisle with someone you fundamentally disagree with on most life issues.

If you’ve been fooled before, you will understand how important these questions are. They are the life blood of your relationship, things that will make or break your marriage. And you need to discuss them. Save this list, curl up in front of a fire together and discuss!

  1. Do you hope getting married, someday, might change a few of your partner’s behaviors?
  2. Does your partner’s use of drugs or alcohol make you uncomfortable?
  3. Does your partner tend to act inappropriately after using substances?
  4. Do you have any concerns about your partner being inappropriate with others?
  5. Is your partner the jealous type? Will their jealousy affect you having a life outside the relationship?
  6. Do you ever wonder if your partner is honest with you?
  7. Are you concerned over the way your partner solves problems?
  8. Does your partner’s moodiness cause problems?
  9. Do you disagree with your partner’s ideas on acceptable social behavior?
  10. Do either of you ever worry about the other having issues with gambling?
  11. Is your partner often unhappy and depressed?
  12. Do you feel like your partner is not very confident or competent?
  13. Do you feel like your partner never listens to you?
  14. Does your partner feel like you don’t listen to them?
  15. Are you unable to express yourself clearly to your partner?
  16. Is your partner unwilling most of the time to share their feelings?
  17. Do you ever feel like your partner doesn’t know himself/herself well?
  18. Are there issues you know your partner will refuse to discuss?
  19. Will your partner avoid conflict, communication, etc. just to keep the peace at any price?
  20. Does your partner find it difficult to let go of past hurts?
  21. Do you and your partner have a hard time agreeing on a good time to communicate?
  22. Is it hard for you to say you are sorry after a disagreement in which you were at fault?
  23. Is it hard for your partner to say they are sorry after a disagreement in which they were at fault?
  24. Do you find yourself somewhat uncomfortable or unable to relax around your partner?
  25. Do you feel like, if you needed your partner, they would not be there for you when you needed support?
  26. If you are having a disagreement with someone, will your partner automatically take the other person’s side and play devil’s advocate?
  27. Have you avoided discussing how you will solve problems and disputes in your relationship?
  28. Do you think your partner must agree with you at all times?
  29. Do you think the way problems are solved in your relationships really needs to change?
  30. Do you feel like your partner always feels they have to win?
  31. Is there never a feeling of compromise in your relationship where you are never met halfway or never find a new solution agreeable to you both?
  32. Do you feel your partner’s way of showing anger or disapproval is extreme?
  33. Do you worry about abuse or keep silent due to past abuses?
  34. Does your partner ever give you the silent treatment?
  35. Does your partner ever put you down?
  36. Does your partner’s behavior ever frighten you?
  37. Do you feel like your partner disrespects or disagrees with you on religious values?
  38. Is spirituality and thoughts on religion something you can’t seem to agree on?
  39. If you had children, do the two of you disagree on how much religion will have an influence on your children and what faith they will be raised in?
  40. Do the two of you disagree on having children, how many you may be willing to have and when you will be willing to have children?
  41. Do the two of you disagree on how your children will be disciplined?
  42. Do the two of you disagree on general parenting roles and what responsibilities each should have?
  43. Do you disagree that your relationship is the most important and the foundation of your family?
  44. Do you you feel your partner’s family doesn’t accept you?
  45. Do you feel like your partner’s family interferes in your life too much?
  46. Do you feel like your partner’s family demands way too much time of your partner?
  47. Do you fear raising children around this family?
  48. Do you feel like the family customs are something you would prefer not to be involved with?
  49. Is the level of sexual involvement with your partner satisfactory?
  50. Does your partner’s sexual demands leave you feeling uncomfortable?
  51. Do you feel like you can’t openly discuss sexual matters with your partner?
  52. Do you feel like you are in the dark about what happens if one of you would be unfaithful to the marriage?
  53. Do you worry about your partner’s sexual orientation?
  54. Do either of you bring relationship baggage from past relationships into this one that affect the relationship negatively?
  55. Do you ever feel like you partner uses sex to control you?
  56. Do you have any disagreements about sex or intimacy?
  57. Would it bother you if your partner’s stress or a life change caused an interruption in your sex life?
  58. Do you think your spouse spends money foolishly?
  59. Do you ever have conflicts regarding how to make financial decisions?
  60. Are there disagreements over how financial responsibilities should be divided?
  61. Are there disagreements about whether you should have shared accounts or separate accounts?
  62. Do you believe in budgeting money in one way while your partner completely disagrees?
  63. Is there ever any refusal to talk about how the two of you will manage assets and debts?
  64. Are you dissatisfied with your future security?
  65. Does your partner’s irresponsible use of credit disturb you?
  66. Do you both have more expenses than income coming in?
  67. Would it bother you if your spouse made more money than you?
  68. Would it bother you if your spouse took care of the home while you worked?
  69. Is anyone on the outside pressuring you to get married?
  70. Do you feel like you can only ever be happy if you are in a relationship?
  71. Do you believe a whirlwind romance should take the place of waiting and allowing a relationship to develop with time?
  72. Do you have concerns that maybe your partner is not the right one for you?
  73. Do you secretly feel that maybe this person might love you now, but that the commitment might not last a lifetime?
  74. Do you think marriage often solves major problems in a relationship?
  75. Do your friends or family object to your relationship?
  76. Do you ever worry about your partner’s past relationships or have concerns about their feelings towards past exes?
  77. Do you feel like the lifestyle changes associated with merging lives might be too stressful?
  78. Are you insistent that the relationship never change and if you ever don’t feel “in love” you will believe the relationship has failed?
  79. Do you believe as long as you love each other, you will never have conflicts?
  80. Are you uncomfortable with your partner’s future career plans?
  81. Do you feel your partner is not affectionate enough?
  82. Are there qualities of your partner that you just do not respect?
  83. Do you feel some of your partner’s friends are bad influences?
  84. Does your partner refuse to let you hang out with some of your friends or give you grief over it?
  85. Do you feel that you both share in the decision-making process?
  86. Does your partner’s ideas on managing your home meet your standards?
  87. Do you feel like you don’t have many shared goals or ambitions?
  88. Do you disagree on how to balance family and career life?
  89. Do you worry your partner is too involved in their career?
  90. Do you feel like you just don’t spend enough time together as a couple?
  91. Does your partner not deal very well with change?
  92. Is there any issue where your partner has friends of the opposite sex that cause you discomfort or worry?
  93. Do your ideas on how important status or the appearance of money, wealth or power disagree with those of your partner?
  94. Does your partner’s lack of enthusiasm for traditions put a damper on holidays or other special occasions?
  95. Do you have issues with your partner’s personal hygiene and think they smell bad, don’t groom themselves well enough, etc?
  96. Does your partner’s views on pornography, strip clubs and other social titillation bother you?
  97. If you wanted to make a large purchase, would you feel as if you needed to hide it from your partner?
  98. Is there any tension in the household over one wanting pets/not wanting pets or the types of pets involved?
  99. Are there frequently arguments regarding the tidiness of the house and who should clean what?
  100. Does your partner have any hobbies or activities that much of their life revolves around but drive you absolutely crazy?
  101. Do you feel you have not reached a level of understanding with your partner’s political views that could cause problems?

Pshew. That’s a lot to take in, isn’t it? But we hope you both were able to answer a resounding ‘NO!’ to most of the questions on this list. Having ‘Yes’s doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It just highlights the areas which may need more discussion and thought before taking the plunge.

What Makes Love Last?

Very often, the most important people in our lives become neglected because we are busy with other factors in our lives. We become so focused on what we want, that we totally lose sight of what others need.

For example, we want security and a happy, memorable family life full of love and laughter.  So, we focus on having a beautiful home as the base for our family, followed by vacations to make memories doing exciting things. In order to take vacations or to have a beautiful home (and do mundane things like paying the bills associated with the home), we have to make money. So we become focused on career and making money. Sometimes we need more education for our career, so we become more focused on education. We slave day and night towards certain end goals, not realizing they are slipping further away because we forgot the most important thing of all – Nourishing the relationships which are an integral part of our goals.

This happens whether you are focused on money, career, education, or even being at home with children attending to their needs. In the end, the person we love the most can often feel neglected and begin to question all means to every end. This can create a life of hopelessness, chaos and the feeling that there is an empty “need” inside which must be filled. Even worse, some people turn to other people or other unhealthy habits to fill the emptiness.

The only thing that will fill the emptiness is to focus, again, on the relationships that made you want to begin this natural life spiral that is the foundation of human existence. We are tribal beings. In forming our tribe, we create a safe space; A haven of existential tranquility where we can create, build, raise children, survive, be loved, accepted and needed.

man and woman holding hand walking beside body of water during sunset
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The Normal Progression of Romantic Love

For some people, this tribal familial need is more intense. Even as infants, we begin to seek those who affirm our boundaries, mirror our value and worth and prove our existence is meaningful. Psychological experts refer to these infantile qualities as “proximity-seeking”. We seek the comfort of our caregivers, our mothers, our fathers, our guardians. When the needs of a child at this age are not met, it can lead to lifelong attachment disorders. A neglected child is inadvertently told that their needs are not worthy or valuable.

Children of a very young age who are not given appropriate caregiving measures may develop a negative psychological pattern that they have no worth. As a result, a lifelong struggle will ensue with this individual floating through life desperately trying to please others, to prove their value to themselves and to others, and to experience rejections by others on a trajectory that may seem to wound them to the very soul where for those who had a normal, healthy childhood would have such rejections just graze across the surface as a shallow scratch. Some may consider these people “mentally tough”, but in reality, they likely either had a normal childhood where their needs were met or one where their needs were overly met so they became dismissive and callous. There are extremes to everything.

For those experiencing attachment issues resulting from childhood, new possibility will be awakened when they are old enough to discover romantic love.

stack of love wooden blocks
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Constructs of Love and the flaws that end it

By most psychological models of love, it begins with sexual attraction. Relationships are  desired to stave off the ache of loneliness. New love brings fresh promises and is full of all the novelties that come with exploring the world of a new human being. Everything about love is exciting. We are launched into someone else’s world, meeting their friends and family, experiencing new music, movies, experiences, and things we’ve never known before. Some become addicted to the high of this “new-ness” and end up feeling disappointed, bored, lonely, frustrated and hostile when the feelings begin to fade. The more thrill-seeking the personality, the more potential that when the person falls out of love, it will happen with a crash.

Psychologist Robert J. Sternberg developed a very comprehensible model of love that condenses love into three distinct foundational blocks:

Passion is the sexual attraction, the physical chemistry that compels gratification in closeness.

Intimacy embodies the emotional feelings of warmth, sharing and communication.

Commitment is defined as our willingness to protect the relationship.

Consummate love is the defining term that embodies all three.

Inevitable of all relationships, passion and sexual attraction will wane. That does not mean it will completely disappear, but sexuality never encompasses the true core of a steady relationship. In times of stress, preoccupation or periods of disenchantment, it will sometimes be one of the first things to go.

Interestingly, the sexual relationship is sometimes marketed as being one of the most important factors in a marriage. Many a lingerie store has used advertising aimed at “spicing up” a tired marriage. However, it is only part of a whole. It can be argued whether or not it is the least important factor for lasting love considering it’s so purely physical. In time, these physical responses are dulled and become less important to aging couples. Yet, marriages still end all the time over sexual issues.

Intimacy also comes and goes to a degree, but should never vanish completely. It is important that communication remain open and that couples set aside time to communicate, even when it is the last thing they feel like doing. Studies have shown that high on the list of reasons for women to divorce is lack of communication and decreased emotional intimacy. Much social commentary would have you believe men are not very communicative individuals. The truth is, men and women communicate very differently. Generally, social matters and relationships are valued more by women than by men. Men who communicate regularly with their wives will generally have longer-lasting relationships. Wives who communicate kindly, gently and in soothing tones will have more successful marriages. When conflict is managed gently, both parties benefit.

Commitment. The saddest thing of all is when someone realizes that they are not committed to a relationship. They decide they no longer feel that there is something there to protect, defend and to fight for. They no longer feel that their spouse is worth this commitment. Whatever once made them think their relationship was special now makes them feel like they are holding a handful of valueless coins they just want to drop.

Certain types of people only find value in a relationship when there is novelty and excitement. They are easily bored people. Nothing their partner did has necessarily been wrong – They just don’t value human commitment in the same way. They will continue to move from person to person and likely regret this decision as their virility fades, their looks disappear and they become less attractive to potential suitors. They haven’t found contentment in familiarity and can’t let down their wall enough to be securely attached in a caring relationship with another human being. The novelty is gone. The thrill is gone. They turn their attention elsewhere, feeling unfulfilled. Twenty relationships down the road, they’ll still feel empty.

If you are with someone like this, there is not much you can do but count your losses. The painful thing about relationships is that even people who seemed to have the same goals in mind as you as far as building a long-lasting relationship will say absolutely anything in the beginning of a relationship to perpetuate the “high” of new love. It is only after a period of years where familiarity sets in, that they will admit a true long-lasting commitment is not what they wanted after all. They just wanted the adrenaline rush and thrill of new love. When it’s gone, so are they… And sometimes, they don’t even realize this about themselves yet and will attribute the normal watering down of excitement to your faults, making you feel unworthy of true love. So many people get bored and fail to  grasp the reality of inevitable relationship decline when it happens.

Relationships can end for so many reasons, including outside pressures (friends, family, etc.), irreconcilable differences in these areas, financial and economic hard times or when thrust into toxic environments which are unfriendly to relationships.

What makes love last

After ‘New Love’ fades., those who have success in marriage are cognizant of a lot of important things:

  1. They understand everyone is a little stupid in the first three years of a relationship – Blinded by new love, guided by sexual attraction, the thrill of not being lonely, the novelties of romance. It’s probably the worst time to make promises, yet it’s the time when most promises are made. Love has been found to have similar effects on the brain as cocaine.
  2. They get that relationship platitudes are unrealistic. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”, “Never go to bed angry”, etc. don’t really mean much but they sound nice coming out. You always hear these on news stories when couples celebrating crazy high anniversaries are blindsided by reporters with questions.
  3. They know their partner may not be perfect, but neither are they. They are humble and thankful that their partner puts up with all their bad qualities. When you put yourself in the other person’s shoes and look at yourself – Maybe you snore, chew too loudly and listen to music your partner hates, too.
  4. They know the stages of love and aren’t depressed that love changes because they realize new love is replaced by a more permanent love based on companionship, their ability to be themselves and that someone is real enough with them to annoy them by the loudness of their own reality.
  5. They are faithful and quickly cut down anything in their lives that may be a threat to their relationship and avoid toxic people, toxic environments, etc. that would most certainly lead to the demise of their relationship. They avoid the overly flirtatious women and men, are open and honest about their lives so their partners have nothing to question and stay out of environments and away from people that encourage cheating or disrespect to their spouse. If they have chosen a life with this person, they also know sometimes that means cutting out family members who intervene.
  6. They are financially honorable and are aware that economic downturns happen and aware of the stress they can cause to family life. They do not take stresses from finances out against their spouse. They spend responsibly and conscientiously in regards to the needs of the family.
  7. They refuse to let their job stress affect their relationship. While their job may stress them out, they do not lash out at their spouses or give them the silent treatment. They learn to respectfully explain why they are disgruntled in a way that allows their spouse to know that they do not own a share of the hostility.
  8. They communicate. They talk about the big issues that destroy relationships and aren’t afraid. They aren’t the type to chronically sweep problems under a rug and hope they go away. They would rather discuss things in the open with their spouse, talk solutions and act on solutions rather than hide problems away until they become too problematic to be ignored.
  9. They understand the value of a romantic gesture. They do understand the importance of reassurances and checks and balances. They do not just tell their partner “I love you” – They show it in any means necessary. They add color to their partner’s life in little romantic ways and understand the need for surprise and how to replace the waning excitement of ‘new love’ with the surprises of established love.
  10. They have a sense of humor about life, their faults, your faults and are not condescending or rude. They do not gaslight, blame, keep records of wrongs or scorecards. They treat every day with you as a fresh slate.
  11. They are honest and trustworthy. When someone is trustworthy, they build a reputation with you based on truths. Every time they keep their word, your faith in them increases. When they do not, your trust decreases. Those in long-lasting relationships know it’s better to be honest than facetious.

And here is the catch – Not one, but BOTH partners must abide by the above. This is why long-lasting relationships are so rare and beautiful to witness.

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Loving a Woman After Abuse

You found her. She’s hypnotizing. Everything you always wanted. She is kind, loving… and so heartbreakingly fragile. Loving her scares you. She’s not like other girls you’ve loved before. She’s been through something. She’s a walking contradiction; Sometimes strong, but sometimes weak. She’s cool like the surface of a pond, but sometimes anger comes like a storm over her horizon with white hot lightning tears indicating her inner turmoil.

She may confess that her last relationship was tough, but she may have a hard time explaining why. She doesn’t know how to explain the depth of the trauma she has experienced, yet you can see it in her haunted eyes. There’s so much in her soul. She has so much to say, but can never put it into words.

She wants to love again, but she’s terrified.

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She wants to love with an open heart and no reservations. She wants to jump out of the plane and feel the exhilaration of falling in love, but she needs to know her parachute  will open. She needs to know you’ll bring her safely back down to the ground after the rush. What she needs most, right now, is a protector, but at the same time she’s afraid. The last time someone offered to protect her, he hurt her immeasurably. Imagine the horror of following someone’s lead in jumping out of the plane…only to find you are pulling your ripcord and nothing breaks your fall?

Be patient. Time will heal all her wounds. Stay by her side until the fear subsides.

She doesn’t want to believe all men are the same

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She thinks you are amazing. But she has seen where this leads time and again. Girl friends assure her all men are the same. She will be hurt again. It’s in books, movies, everywhere – “All men are dogs”. She remembers the horrors of infidelities, the crimes of the heart, and believes the profile is true. In a hopeless state, she believes all men are destined to hurt her. When someone lies about their every move for a period of years and has numerous inconsistencies with the truth, it rattles capacity to trust to the very core.

Be consistent. Prove the theory is wrong. Admire and emulate good men. Admire the type of men you wish to be. Tell her what you admire about them and why you don’t want to pattern yourself after all the jerks she (and her friends) have known before. Be where you say you are going to be, with who you are say you are going to be with, doing what you say you are going to be doing.


Be a man of your word and possess integrity or get out of her life. In protecting her heart, it’s really that simple. Be honest or be gone.

She needs to know you. REALLY know you. So she can feel safe.

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For too long, she was locked in the dark. She gave freely of herself. She gave everything she had to give, longing for reciprocation. Instead, she received deceit, lies, anger, and abuse. Words have so much power – The power to break; The power to heal.

Be open. Nothing will soothe the savagery of a woman fraught with fear like calm, open consistent communication. Talk with her. Give her what she never had before – A crying shoulder, encouragement, honesty, an environment in which the both of you can communicate openly and without fear. You must be open with her because he wasn’t. She needs to know the truth of you because he surrounded himself with lies. She will know it’s real when she finally knows someone’s soul. Let her know yours.

She wants you to believe her.

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Good people are objective. They are slow to believe bad things they hear about others.

When speaking about the ending of a relationship, we are often cautioned, “There is HIS side, HER side…and the TRUTH, which usually lies between the two.” However, in an abusive relationship, there IS a wrong party. The most damaging thing you can do is doubt her. You are going to hear a lot about her ex. Some of it may sound completely crazy. As a good person, you will be in shock that a human would do such things to another human being. Before you doubt this woman, watch your nightly news. There are crazy people in this world and they do crazy things. It’s not just on TV.

The closer the two of you get, the more you will hear about him and this may be conflicting for you. Why is it that the more you love her to help ease her mind and make her forget him…The more she cries and talks about how he hurt her?

It’s because she needs to in order to heal. You are peeling back layers of the onion. She is realizing the way she lived wasn’t right. She is realizing you are treating her the way she deserved to be treated all along. With every consistent step she takes beside you, she realizes it really was abuse. A woman who has been truly abused will often try to avoid that word or think that other women had it worse than her. “Abuse” to many is equal to being beaten or physically assaulted. However, domestic abuse of psychological nature can be on par and sometimes even worse than physical abuse.

Be trusting. You need to believe her. Hearing about her ex’s faults and worst qualities is not comfortable. There is a notorious stigma that talking about your exes is bad or means you’re not over them, but with abuse – It’s crucial that she talk and reason out what just happened to her. It is trauma. You would not tell a 9/11 survivor to “get over it”. When she breaks down and tells you something, confirm her fears and tell her, “That is abusive. I would never do that to you.” She needs confirmation and then assurance that the nightmare is over…and time to process it.

She needs encouragement.

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Women who come from abusive relationships often neglect themselves, their hopes and dreams to be whatever their abusive partner demands they be. Chances are, somewhere down deep inside, she had dreams too. She had a person she always wanted to be and had to put it on hold. This happens in normal, non-abusive relationships, too. But in an abuse situation, she was not only discouraged from pursuing her own greatness. She was probably also told she was not good at things. She was told she was a failure. She was laughed at and ridiculed. Abusers take the very things you hold dear and turn them against you. Yes, there are people who are really that evil.

Be encouraging. Notice things she is good at doing. Compliment her. Ask her if she ever thought about doing things professionally. Notice what makes her eyes light up. Notice what she’s happy doing. Help her realize her own path again. Remind her of all her dreams and help get her the things she needs to begin pursuing her dreams again. Encourage her to be the person she was meant to be before another person sabotaged her life.

She needs gifts to be given for no reason whatsoever.

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“Why don’t abused women just leave? If someone is so bad, why not walk away?” Abusers are powerful in their toxicity. They know just how to reel their target in. When they know you are about to leave, they give you everything you always wanted. They are kind, loving, generous and will pull stunts straight out of ‘The Bachelor’ to keep a woman under their spell. It’s very hard to walk away. The man who never brought you flowers suddenly shows up with dozens of roses. They buy you what they know you’ve always wanted. The gifts come pouring in. They assault your center of guilt. If someone bought you what you always wanted – It’s hard, if not impossible to turn down in that mental state. It also fools everyone around you.
“How can you say he never loved you? He filled your house with roses!”
“How can you say he didn’t support your dreams? He bought you a guitar!”

An abuser will treat a woman horribly and then reward her like a queen. Gifts become her idea of love. It becomes all she has to look forward to. Gifts mean LOVE. It’s a hard association to break. With an abuser, it also means, “I did something wrong. You caught me. But I LOVE you.”

Be sincere. The happiest day of her life will come when you give her a big gift and she realizes you did no wrong and the gift you gave came completely from the heart because you truly love her. When realization hits, look for the happy tears when she realizes even gifts can be given without expectations or the trade-off of an abuser’s wrongdoing, but out of pure thankfulness, love and honesty.

She’s come so far already

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In leaving, she’s made a huge accomplishment. Only someone who faced abuse firsthand might realize what a huge accomplishment this is. She had to finally reach a point where all false promises, gifts, pressures of society and family to stay, glares of the judgmental, fears of violence, etc. were no longer enough to hold her down and freedom meant leaving; The chance to satisfy her very soul. She made a firm decision. She wanted happiness in life before she was gone from this earth. She decided life was too short to live in such fear, pain and misery and realized it would be better to be alone than be lied to, cheated on, discarded and made to feel like a burden.

Be proud of her. This woman is a survivor. She wants you to realize although she suffered and is stull suffering the after-effects, that she is nobody’s victim. She is a phoenix rising from the ashes. She doesn’t want to be viewed as a battered woman Public Service Announcement crouched in a corner crying. She wants you to view her as a warrior and realize that the tears she cries are not crocodile tears or tears of self pity. She wants you to realize how strong she is and not treat her like a victim, even though she still cries at night sometimes. She wants you to realize how far she’s come. She wants you to know that even the strong cry. She doesn’t want you to view her as weak. She wishes you could see a movie of what she has been through. She simply wants your respect.

She needs you to do your homework.

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Loving an abused woman comes with homework. This isn’t the young love of your twenties fraught with petty jealousies. Unfortunately, it’s a love that comes with some baggage so she needs you to know what you’re getting into. Abuse makes women into researchers. Just like you, they may be confounded with the question, “WHY would someone DO such a thing to someone?” Realize she has been told the problem has been her all along. Then something happened to open her eyes. She is learning daily about why abusers do what they do. She will be fascinated. The knowledge that she had such a low opinion of herself beaten into her mind by someone else will be angering. She’s not crazy. She’s not hellbent on vengeance. She just finally understands.

Be studious. While she is doing her own research, she needs you to do your own about her. Like you are doing now. She needs you to understand, psychologically, just why she may be the way she is right now and accept these quirks. Some part of her still fears she brought this all on herself or, scarier yet, that he has made her a clone of himself.

She needs you to know she will make loving her worth it.

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Despite what a pain in the ass she is right now…She promises, loving her will be the best thing you’ve ever done. Because she’s been in the dark, she will appreciate the light ten times more. Because she suffered in a cave of despair, the sunlight on her skin will feel a thousand times more glorious. You may think you are just an average guy and nothing special, but compared to the hell she endured, you are the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen or experienced. If you’ve ever wanted to be loved for your soul, she is the one who is capable of doing it. If you’ve never been the one to have anyone completely enraptured by you, she will be the one who lets you finally experience the full impact of ravenous love. Women who have faced abuse, rejoice in love on a scale unmatched. They have wandered through the desert, found an oasis and plan on never leaving because they know how big that desert is and how rare a genuine person is.

Be joyful. There are a lot of women out there who would not appreciate all that you are and take you for granted. Only the woman who has been through hell can appreciate heaven. And she will treat you with all the respect you deserve for your consistent, honest, genuine love.

She needs you.

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Even though it goes against all sensibility after having gone through an abusive relationship and having had “co-dependent” slapped on her. She is force fed that she needs no man. This is true. She can heal on her own and be just fine, but being with you is the next big step. You can only know you are completely healed when you can love another person with all your heart and soul without fear again. It’s another level of healing and she is putting her fragile heart out there on the line again…Because something tells her maybe you are the real deal. Maybe this time she can rest.

Be careful with her heart. If you take anything away from this article. Take this: Be the man she needs. This is no ordinary woman. This is a woman who stood in the fire and didn’t back down. This is a woman with a scarred heart doing her best to keep her belief in love alive. She is a naked soul who now knows looks, money, status, or any amount of lies built around someone is not who they are. If you are willing to help her fight through her storm, there are calmer waters ahead on a sea where the water blends with the sky horizon where a beautiful peace exists for you both.

Why Does My Wife Lie To Me?

Why do people lie, anyway? Much of the time, the reason someone lies is simply to preserve their own self image. They did or said something they don’t want to be called out over. They feel guilty and want the bad event to go away.

Then, there are those who lie consistently and seemingly without any guilt whatsoever. Narcissists and sociopaths are well known as notorious liars. Since they thrive on their own self image, they often live a life of lies.

They start off telling one, small lie. Seeing how that lie could be discovered, they are forced to create a complicated matrix of false narratives to protect the initial lie. A thousand other details must be suitably altered to make their story fit. The result is an elaborate web of lies stretched across their existence like a knitted spiderweb that will fall apart when someone finds just…the…right…thread to pull.

Do you know someone like this?

Maybe that person is the one you decided to spend the rest of your life with. Webs of lies can be so thick and convoluted they may not be uncovered for many years. By then, possibly rings and vows have been exchanged and you wake up to find yourself married to a liar.

Luckily, most people tell the truth most of the time and almost everyone, at one time or another has told a “white” lie – Usually to avoid hurting someone over an inconsequential matter (Do I look fat in this dress?).

The Truth About Lying

It’s important to delve into WHY someone might lie to you. Believe it or not, sometimes we can attract liars because of some very positive aspects of our personality. Is lying ever right? In most cases, many would say no. It takes away freedom of choice for someone to make decisions about their lives based on factual evidence. On the other hand, do you want to know details which will only wound you psychologically or spiritually? It depends on the individual. Some want the big, ugly truth. Some would prefer not knowing.

We could spend days going over the moral aspects of lying and why people do it. In the end, lying comes down to two things – Who they are and who you are.

First, let’s examine the worst kinds of liars:

Chronic and Pathological Liars
These are the liars who have a pathological condition. They can live in a healthy environment with open communication and still lie all the time and may never stop without serious psychological intervention and care.

The Woman Who Can’t Be Herself
She loves you more than her own integrity or self respect. She lies because she can’t bear the thought of someone thinking poorly of her – Especially you. Her life revolves around other peoples’ image of her. What if you knew who she really was? Maybe you wouldn’t like her. She lied to get you because you were someone she really wanted. Maybe you were an amazing, fascinating person to her – A philanthropist. And she lied telling you she was into charity work. She told you she went on a mission trip to Africa. She fed and sheltered the homeless. You love wine – She lied and learned varietals so she could fake her way through a conversation with you. You’re into sports – She lied and said her dad used to be best friends with Tommy Lasorda (Then, she’ll keep you from meeting her dad). You tell her you wouldn’t date a girl who smokes – She’ll hide it from you and smoke whenever you’re not around. This girl wants you in her life, but she is carefully concealing who she really is because her own self worth is desperately low. She tells all these lies to keep you because she has a psychological problem. You can’t fix her.

The Compulsive Liar (Narcissist)
She lies for attention, but won’t consciously admit to herself this is the reason she lies. She opens her mouth and out it comes. Maybe she would feel bad about it, but most of the time she doesn’t because she views the lies as innocuous truths. She’s like an adult who still has an imaginary friend. She believes if she repeats the lies enough times, they become true. Yes, she really dated George Clooney once. Her stories are entertaining and she believes them herself. She’s a great storyteller, very compelling and detailed to the point she can have even the biggest skeptics eating out of the palm of her hand. She feels insecure in a world full of interesting people and lies to make herself seem more interesting. There’s really no other reason why. Chances are she knows she’s lying, but she buries this knowledge deep down in her psyche and continues making up tall tales. She doesn’t know how else to show the world that she, too, is somebody special, so this will do. This disorder goes hand-in-hand with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This person may cheat on you because she cares about her own gratification above all. But she won’t want you to find out because it would damage her self image. It’s vital that you think she is wonderful on all levels and that everyone else does, too.

Sociopaths & Psychopaths
This is the worst case scenario. These people are less than 4% of the population. The female sociopath won’t really love you. She just wants something from you or likes to play games for the thrill. There is likely something you can provide for her that she wants badly enough to tell a whole web of lies just to get close to you. Sure. She’s only slept with two guys. Of course! She loves all the same things you do. She will tell you she loves you and sleep with your best friend. She has zero conscience. She doesn’t even feel bad about it. None of this really hurts you, right? She lies to be whatever you need until she’s done using you. She’s not lying like a compulsive liar lost in fantasyland. She is lying for a malignant purpose. Either to get something from you or to harm you psychologically…For no other reason, but that she finds it amusing.

She will lie to become your dream. She’ll lie to become the reality you are seeking. And watch your bank account. Sociopaths are known for telling any lie necessary to get closer to a big payday.

Sometimes, they are even more sick. There is nothing they want from you. They just enjoy the game of deceit. They find telling mistruths exhilarating and love pushing the borders to see how much they can get away with and if they can break you down with their games. And when you catch them, they won’t care. You were just a toy mouse to them. It was only a game, after all.

You will know people like this by many different names: Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths, but they are all the same in that they manufacture their identity. When you find out who they really are, it’s usually too late and they are walking away with your wallet in their hands and your heart in their teeth.

“Normal” Liars

Most lies are told to cover up for something. They will tell lies to either protect you or to protect themselves. Sometimes lies are to cover horrible things – But it doesn’t always mean that they have a psychological issue in which their lying is compulsive or liable to be consistently repeated in the future. The “normal” and typical liars will lie because they are afraid of your reaction or because of survival. They messed up – Sometimes big time. But they may learn from their mistakes and their conscience kills them over it.

You appear to be Mr. Perfect
She might lie to you because you simply intimidate the hell out of her. You are a good person whom she does not want to disappoint. You have your sh*t together. People like you. You have high expectations of those around you. You have good morals. She knows she doesn’t measure up to your lofty expectations, but she so desperately wants to. She wants to be someone who is good enough for you. She won’t tell you when she does something stupid because she’s afraid you’ll think poorly of her. She might hide purchases from you because she doesn’t want you to think she can’t control her spending. You are amazing and the type of person she wants to be more like. She’ll fake it until she makes it and lie to you with every intention of deserving you one day.

You are in Control
She lies to you because you have control over her life in some way that could influence basic factors of survival such as; You provide food, shelter, clothing, an income, etc. Her lies are told simply for survival. If she told the truth, would she lose any of the above? The fear is so great, she would rather lie to preserve her lifestyle.

She is Afraid of Your Reaction
She lies to you because you have an explosive temper and she does not want to anger you if she says something you do not like. What would you do if she told you that she had too much to drink with the girls? Would you scream at her and call her an irresponsible drunk? Would you physically harm her? Men who have explosive tempers are going to be lied to. Your reaction can mean all the difference.

She is Trying to Protect You
She lies to you because you are depressed and she feels like you can’t handle the truth of what she has to say. She is trying to protect you. For some reason, you may seem fragile to her and like you would not be able to withstand something she may want to tell you that would be painful for you to hear.

Stopping the Lies

Given all of the above information, it is now up to you to determine a few things – Is the lying pathological? Is it part of a personality disorder that you can not fix? If this is the case, you may have to demand that she seek psychological care. It may not be a situation you want to stay in because some pathological liars can never stop. You can give her repeated chances and walk away disappointed every time.

On the other hand, if she is the person who tells an occasional lie, think about how you reacted in the past. Has she ever told you a truth only to have you blow up in a rage?

To get an occasional liar to tell you the truth:

  •  Never confront a liar in public or in front of others. Even though you may feel they deserve it, this type of humiliation only causes embarrassment, can backfire and make you look like the jerk and can lead to retaliation.
  • Respond with compassion instead of anger. Most liars avoid the truth because of the negative consequences that come with the truth. When they admit something they know you will not like to hear, remain cool. Do not retaliate. Do not lose your temper. Act as if it doesn’t matter. Even though you are furious, if you want to hear more truth in the future, check how you respond when truth is given to you. Then, discuss the situation in a calm, rational matter avoiding insults.
  • Give them a chance to admit the lie with humor. When they tell you something you know is an obvious lie, laugh. You will instantly see their discomfort. Then say, “Okay, that’s funny. What did you really do?” It gives them a chance to feel they were just being a ‘fibber’ and that you will let them admit the truth with amusement instead of anger.
  • Ask more questions and listen carefully. When you pretend you are completely stupid, you make them run in circles trying to cover up their lie. In the end, they may just break and tell you the truth because they are exasperated with all the questions.
  • What did your mother do when you lied and she knew it? She would look at you and tell you, “I know you aren’t telling me the truth.” And most of the time, for those of us with a conscience, we’d break and admit the lie and take our punishment.
  • Does the lie really matter? So you catch her in a lie that she saw a movie that she didn’t see. Does it really matter? Is this life-changing stuff? Pick your battles. If the lie is completely inconsequential, sometimes it is best to let it go.

Why Does My Wife Hate Me?

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Before she turned cold, she used to make you feel like the greatest man alive. Now she makes you feel stupid and misunderstood. “Nothing I do or say is ever right!” When you try to talk to her, she completely shuts down. “My wife is pulling away from me…” It’s happening, but you don’t know how to stop it.

It sounds crazy. Your rational side is saying, “How could she hate me? She married me didn’t she?” But it’s not your imagination. Something is “off” – Big time. 

Maybe It’s NOT you…

What does she have going on, right now, in her life? It’s very possible personal stress is impacting her relationship with you. Motherhood, jobs, a falling out with a friend, health stress, low self esteem, depression, anxiety, hormonal changes… Sometimes it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with outside stressors.

She may be going through something she has no idea how to tell you about. Acknowledge that she doesn’t seem like herself and you’re wondering if there is something going on in her life she would like to talk about.

If she says, “I don’t want to talk about it!” – Back off. Barring it isn’t the time or place to be talking about an issue, it could mean you did or said something that upset her. Maybe she’s still mad and is smart enough to know talking about it could force her into saying something she will regret. Let her work through her emotions first.

Tone is everything. If she sounds emotional, it may be something she isn’t ready to discuss.

You violated one of her bottom lines.

Occam’s Razor (“The simplest explanation is often the correct one”) can sometimes be the best way to diagnose a problem. Let’s start with the obvious – Did you do ANYTHING callous, insensitive or cruel? Cheating? Make blatantly negative comments about her appearance? Insult her in some obvious way?

Well, then stop reading. Of course she’s pissed! An honest appraisal of your behaviors will go a long way. Think honestly – Was there a single incident or have you been disrespecting your wife over a period of time you may not have thought about?

Did you violate what, for her, may have been a bottom line?

Meaning some invisible boundary every person has (e.g. If a man hits her – She made up her mind a long time ago that she would leave. If a man cheated on her – She also has drawn the line in the sand that she will leave).

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How well do you know your wife? What are her expectations of you? Some people are more sensitive than others. You may feel some offhand comment you made or boorish behavior is completely acceptable but your wife may disagree.

For every person, bottom lines exist. It is up to you to know your wife. She should also know your opinions. Most people do not do this before marriage. They learn as they go…and sometimes it’s too late after they find out they have done something their spouse deems unforgivable.

You may believe looking at porn is normal. She may be disgusted by the behavior. This is a great example of a GRAY AREA. It’s very possible nobody is right or wrong. It’s a matter of opinion. Try a new approach. Be genuinely curious. Ask her what her opinion is and why she thinks that way. Be clear you are not asking to criticize, but to better understand her viewpoints and be genuine in listening and considering her thoughts.

The thing you must remember if you are doing something that harms your relationship – Is it more important to you than your relationship?

We were always told we should never change for anyone, but relationships are all about compromise. The dilemma also exists that you can never 100% know a person and sometimes…people change of their own accord.

If you are willing to change to save the relationship – Apologize earnestly for hurting her and make a firm course of action to change. Never say you will do something unless you mean it. Continued broken promises are absolutely lethal to a marriage.

She feels like she can’t tell you what is bothering her.

man and woman wearing brown leather jackets
Photo by Vera Arsic on

If she’s suddenly cold with you and won’t tell you why, it may be because she thinks you should already know why she’s upset. It’s also possible she does not feel emotionally prepared for confrontation over the issue, or she simply does not wish to communicate openly with you because she does not feel you will listen or will criticize her. These hurts can come across as coldness, aloofness or outright anger.

Are you easy to communicate with? Do you tend to get angry when approached with criticism or opinions you disagree with? Do you lose your temper or “blow up”? Will you immediately go on the defensive and insinuate her opinions are wrong, stupid or crazy? Will you play devil’s advocate and contradict everything she is trying to tell you?

If she does not feel listened to, understood, or feel that you are making any attempt whatsoever to understand her, she may begin to believe the relationship is too much effort. She may begin to confide in someone else.

If you do not provide an open, safe communication space for your wife to talk about ANYTHING without feeling wrong or stupid every time she opens her mouth, someone else eventually will.

It’s well known that men often cheat for physical reasons and women because they feel an emotional attachment to someone else whom makes them feel understood. It’s a situation which can be avoided with attentive, open communication.

Want to open up communication? Approach her at a time when you’re both not busy. You may say something such as, “I love you. I care about our relationship and feel like I’ve done something to deeply hurt you. From now on, I want to be more open with our communication and listen without criticizing what you have to say. I’m sorry if I have made you feel criticized in the past. I want to understand you and create a relationship where we can talk about anything.”

When she feels like you value what she has to say, the floodgates of communication will open.

She has given up on you or no longer wants to be with you.

This one hurts to have to say. But it happens. When a woman still wants to talk to you, it’s a good sign. If you begin living like roommates passing in the hallways…You’re entering dangerous territory. The longer this goes on, the further apart the two of you will drift. Instead of looking for the good in you and reasons to stay, she may actively begin looking for reasons to leave.

When it’s this bad, it hurts. You can’t make her smile. You can’t make her laugh. No amount of gifts or promises of open communication might be working.

She may be talking about pursuing a life that might exclude you and all attempts you’ve  made seem to be too little too late, especially if she begins to look at the opportunities of new love or companionship outside the marriage.

man and woman sitting on bench
Photo by Vera Arsic on

This is the stage where anything could happen so don’t blow your chances. Don’t become more possessive, clingy, demanding, or create an environment at home where she feels smothered by someone she previously felt cared very little about her. Over-caring too late in the game can backfire.

The worst thing you can do when your wife is showing outright hostility towards you is planning romantic vacations, sending flowers, or other tokens of symbolic romance. These things are for the good times. Not something you only pull out when the marriage is in trouble. It’s a hollow gesture and you will both know it.

Love is like a bar of soap – Hold on too tightly,
and it will slip right out of your hands.

Don’t put the focus on winning back her love. Put the focus on making yourself worth loving…She may realize what a catch you are before it’s too late and you become her loss. Begin working on yourself. If you’ve let your grooming habits slip, it’s time to step up the game. Live your life to produce the best results for you. Go to the gym. Partake in new hobbies. Meet new friends. Start smiling more. Start doing things that are proven life enhancers and stay away from behaviors that are self destructive.

You can’t force your wife to see your worth. You can’t force her to live in misery with you. But you can appraise yourself and make yourself more valuable. Be who you were always meant to be – The very best version of yourself. You may just make your wife realize why she fell in love with you all over again.

She’s just a bitch

There is no other way to say this. If you evaluated your own actions and behaviors, have been the model perfect husband, and she does not appreciate you – The problem may not be yours.

For most of this article, it’s been assumed you were both reasonable people or that maybe, possibly YOU were the unreasonable one. Now it’s time to look at the cold, hard facts – Maybe she’s not worth it. If that’s the case, brother…Yeah, you’re going to feel some sadness for all those little things you thought indicated she was your dream.

But maybe she’s amazing in a thousand little ways that just aren’t meant for you. If you can’t fix communication with her and nothing’s going to change, life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel worthless. Go out there and find someone who can’t get enough of you.

If your wife truly does hate you, love yourself even more. She fell in love with you once. Someone will love you again. But there is nothing more irresistible than a man who is content with himself.