Should You Keep “Haters” in Your Life?

Some people call them “Frenemies”.

Do you really like them?
That’s debatable…
Do they really like you?
You’re really not sure.

By some sort of obligation, there is an unexplained duty to let them sit and smirk in the corner of our lives. We let them peruse the details of our lives on social media. Always observing, laughing at us when we trip up. Jumping in immediately to agree with anyone who says something against us.

And we wonder why we feel socially anxious and uncomfortable in our own skin!

Maybe they are friends of friends. Maybe there is some other tie to them in which it would feel like too much of an upheaval to sever. You just want to fly under the radar with them…but you worry about hurting their feelings.

It’s easy to become so worried about hurting others’ feelings without being mindful of how they treat us. However, the first time I heard someone tell me to cut all the negative people out of my life, I laughed.

Some of the closest people in the world to me were horribly negative people. The type of people you might love for their own quirks, weirdness, even their kindness, but they were determined to not allow me to grow. I was in a period where I’d been working on myself and thought I was on my way to becoming a butterfly; They told me I wasn’t a caterpillar. I was an earth worm. I thought I was growing smart and capable; They made sure I knew I was irresponsible or stupid.

The problem with keeping these kind of people around, is that we start to believe them  on some level. We tolerate them. We put up with their crap because we wonder if their criticisms of us are valid. Enough to make us justify their hurtfulness. What if they are only telling the truth even if it hurts to hear…?

Be realistic,” We hear them say through a smirk, implying that you’re unreasonable in your goals. What if they are right? They threw a wrench in your gears to the point you can’t even see the possibilities anymore. Only all the reasons why you might fail.

Stop right there. We can’t let people who never have anything nice to say come into our lives to crap on our every thought. There is no point to it. It is your life to lead, isn’t it?

So maybe you let them say what they have to say, but have stopped taking haters to heart and feel like you’ve finally become mentally strong.

BUT…You’re going to keep them around to “show” them. You will go on to be successful and make them eat their words. You’ll keep them around just to show them how wrong they were.

Don’t.

I knew a woman who once made every post of hers on Facebook public because she knew her ex-husband might see it. In every one, she posted sexy pictures of herself to show him what she thought he was missing. She posted about her vacations. She made her life seem more glamorous and exciting than it was. After a while, everyone realized she was living her entire life just to spite him and we wondered if she realized it, too.

What kind of life is it living for the benefit of others? Everything she did was “aimed” at someone. Whether it be a passive aggressive Facebook post or a post about how great her life was and how much fun she was having. She wanted all her “haters” to know it.

What she actually didn’t see was that everyone saw through her. Nobody cared. Nobody was jealous. When someone lives their life posting passive aggressive Facebook quotes – Underneath it all is a kind-of pathetic veneer to a painful life nobody in their right mind is actually jealous of. Lots of people can sniff out posers a mile away.

She continued living her life for her “haters” until her real friends got sick of it. Every conversation with her was negative. Everything was always about the people who supposedly hated her. She was always plotting and planning her next move and how she was going to make them look stupid.

Witnessing all this unfold on social media was sad. I finally unsubscribed to her issues. And it felt amazing.

Ask yourself this question. Would you let someone who hated you come into your house and sit in the back of the room and roll their eyes and criticize you?

I don’t think so.

So why would you keep them in your circle of friends? On social media? “Haters” have no place in your life. None. They are never going to do you any good. There is a simple answer to this dilemma – Drop them. Yes, I know you will say it’s not that easy. I don’t care if it’s your own mother. When someone treats you with continuous disrespect, they have no place in your life. Slam the door.

Why, exactly, would you even feel like you have to keep them around so they can see you reach the pinnacle of success one day? You’re wanting to prove them wrong and think this is going to dispel their hatred?

News flash – It won’t.

And it’s going to make it harder for you to reach success. Because you are always going to have their negative voice in your ear.

Think about this, too – What if you don’t succeed? What if you have a multitude of failures in your life? You are giving them fuel for their own drama-kindled fire. Protect your life, your heart, your soul, your being. Get rid of these people who have no positive will towards you.

Get rid of ambivalent people whom you are not sure like you or not. People who do like you will let you know. People who do not like you won’t hide it. They make things easy. Ambivalent people, on the other hand, will chip away at your confidence. They are a slow drip of acid to your self worth.

Keeping a hater on social media to “show them” is like dropping a toaster in your bathtub while you’re soaking because it breaks the toaster when it’s submersed in water, too.

You’re only hurting yourself.

Taking it a step further, if you are the type that believes in “energies”, when you invite haters to hang around in your circle of friends, you are also extending a welcome to their toxic, negative energy. If you think you are going to go on to become a raging success surrounded by haters and their energy weighing you down, think again.

These people have a way of getting into your head and filling it with negativity. They are masters of dragging out the darkest of thoughts and placing them in your brain like mental roadblocks. Get away from them.

Live your life for you and the people who love you.

There may be people who are so deeply entrenched in your life, it’s like sawing off your own arm to escape. But you need to…for your mental health.

On the other side of all this is the circle of friends you always dreamed of having. The people who love, care for you and who let you live your own life. The ones who don’t take your kindness for granted.

Life is better when there is nobody sitting over in the corner hoping to see you stumble and fall. If they don’t love you at your worst, they certainly don’t deserve you at your best.

Do You Expect Too Much of Your Friends?

Reality TV has saturated the time-tested status quo of friendship with new rules. From the scripted Desperate Housewives, Sex in the City, Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl, etc. to the juicy, diabolical not-so-ordinary lives of The Real Housewives, Kardashians, etc. In the process, friendship has been redefined in ways impossible to maintain.

Pictures with quotes appear on social media telling us how we should live and love. While some realize all the Facebook quotes about friendship are…well, bullshit. Others tend to make them their gospel. Preach, sister.

With ‘friendship’ being redefined before our eyes, we adopt too many rules, expectations, etc. of those we call friends. Friendship with someone with too many expectations is like a minefield. You’ll find yourself tip-toeing lightly, terrified of setting them off.

It’s time to dial back these guerrilla expectations of friendship. What makes a “Friendzilla”? Read on.

Your friends are not allowed to like people you do not like

“Oh, HELL no. Didn’t I make it clear to her what kind of person Suzy Q was? Then why do I see her in party pictures from Saturday night at Suzy’s house? What the hell was that about? I’ve told her Suzy is bad news and she still insists on going over there laughing with her, drinking her wine and chatting it up? Disgusting. I just can’t hang out with people with morals like that who aren’t smart enough to smell a rat. They were probably talking about me. After all, I know that’s what we would be doing if she were at my house. We’d be talking smack on Suzy. We love bitching about other bitches being bitches.”

Maybe you didn’t notice, but this makes your friends extremely uncomfortable… because they don’t think Suzy is all that bad.

You get mad if they don’t call, text or go out with you on your timeline

Friends talk every day on the phone! Everyone knows this! Or, at least, everyone who is friends with me should know this. What the hell could she have to do that is more important than talking to me? Why can’t she multitask holding a phone to her ear while changing her baby, picking up the kids from school, folding laundry, and cooking dinner like I can?”

Why can’t your friend who works full time call you on her lunch break? Is it that damn difficult? Because she has responsibilities. You are important to her, but her life is too.

You expect them to share all the same opinions you do

“Don’t they know that Trump is the worst president everrrrrrr? How can she say he’s not that bad? You can’t be friends with someone like that! Ugh! How gross. And they don’t like ‘Sex in the City’?! What is wrong with them! It’s the best show of the 21st Century! I can’t believe she doesn’t like ‘Twilight’ or ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – What does she mean it’s like they are the same book with sex? What a prude.”

Yeah, you don’t need friends with such stupid opinions. Who cares that she bailed you out of jail, watched your kids for a month, or held you while you mourned the loss of your brother? Differences of opinion are just that. “Anyone who likes X is a B” is a mentality which sets you up for disastrous relationships. Look at who they are by their actions. That tells you all you need to know.

You expect them to follow a ‘girl code’ nobody can define

Wooooow. She’s dating my ex-boyfriend? From middle school? Didn’t she know you are supposed to wait 40 years and then ask permission? This is so not cool. Almost as not cool as the time she dated the guy I liked first, but couldn’t date because he was a Sagittarius. It’s the GIRL CODE, stupid! Look it up!! Where? Oh, well you can’t, but like, it’s common sense stuff that every girl should know, right? There’s not a King James Version or anything. But still, date a guy I once thought was cute and said so first, I’ll cut you.”

If you’re asking people not to cross invisible lines in the sand or to follow a rule book that is not clearly defined and in print, why be mad when they break a ‘girl code’?

You get mad they can’t drop anything at anytime to help you

Your mother’s funeral? What kind of excuse is that? You’re having a health and wellness party where you can buy your multi-level marketing product at half off! Half off!!! What is wrong with these stupid bitches? This is the deal of the century and they’re going to miss it! They’re so selfish for not helping a friend reach Platinum Level! Okay, so what time does burying your mother finish? Because I’m sure you can make it in time for vodka martinis and a game of Cards Against Humanity afterwards. It’s going to be so much fun! “Can’t wait to see you! I’ll leave the catalogue out so you can look at it when you get here…”

Your friends would love to be there for you. But if you guilt trip them, ignore their needs or are too demanding, don’t be surprised when they turn their backs on you.

You get too jealous when your friends exceed you in looks, finances, relationships, etc. and become bitter towards them

Who the hell does she think she is being happy when my husband just left me? What kind of B.S. is this? Posting photos with her new man, talking about her new job and how great her life is right now. It’s effing ridiculous. That’s what it is. She should have some concern for all the people who aren’t as stupid happy as she is. Obviously, the rest of us aren’t doing as well and she should take that into consideration before posting that happy crap all in our faces. “The best sign of a relationship is no sign of it on Facebook” – Status update. Done. That should show her! Ugh…and the new job! She just wants to brag about how much money she’ll be making while the rest of us struggle to find work. What a terrible person.”

If you can’t be happy for your friends, they can’t be happy for you.

You stop talking to them if you disapprove of who they are with

“Ew. What does she see in him? He’s not even cute. He looks like Steve Carrell. He’s so frickin’ ugly. Barf. And he doesn’t even know how to dress! What the hell is he wearing? Looks like he stole one of Screech’s outfits from Saved By the Bell. I mean, he’s cute in a weird way, I guess, but not for her. Their personalities and astrological qualities are a disaster waiting to happen and I’m going to be the first to say “I told you so!” when it goes bust. What an idiot! Maybe I should start some gossip to make this happen a little faster. Oh, she will thank me later when she realizes I was right and what a loser he is.”

When you question your friend’s romantic partners, you are questioning more than just the guy. You are questioning their choices. It can be highly insulting when you find the love of your life only to have your girlfriends treat him like crap because they don’t like him. The truth is, you may be right about him. But it’s her life to live and her mistakes to make. Respect her as a friend, but keep your opinions about her boyfriend being a loser to yourself and hang out with your friend on your own if her boyfriend bugs you so much. She’s a big girl. If he’s really a loser, she’ll realize it soon enough.

You think ‘Three is a crowd’

“Um, no. I like Amber. But you two go to see that movie without me? Just because you know I hate Ryan Reynolds and will never, ever go see something with him in it, ever, and told you “No”? Excuse me? That means, and let me spell it out for you in big letters – MOVIE DATE CANCELED – Meaning, you don’t just run off with Amber to see it. In fact, you and ME are besties, right? So why the hell do you even need Amber anymore? She’s just extra baggage. She’s just another ear who will hear your secrets and might tell people. Haven’t you ever heard to ‘keep your circle small’? You’re ruining our small circle. Stop needing other people’s approval. All you need is me.”

At one time or another, many of us have ended up in needy, clingy relationships. We surely don’t need needy, clingy friends as well. This kind of attitude is just creepy and screams insecurity. It’s the kind of behavior they warn about in bad romantic relationships. It’s a good warning in friendships, too.

You push them to do things that violate their standards

“Quit being such a buzzkill. One more round of shots isn’t going to kill you. No, girl. Literally. Take this last shot of Fireball. Oh geez, you’ve only had seven! What’s one more? The club doesn’t close for another hour. Trust me. You’ll dance it off and then you’ll be just fine to drive home. Oh my God! That guy is still checking you out. You should totally just walk up and kiss him. Go home with him! You’re stupid if you don’t because he is hot. Seriously, you will never get an opportunity like this again. You’ll regret it. He could be THE ONE. You’d never know it because you are being chickenshit. You’ll thank me for this later. I promise. Go do it!!”

Maybe you enjoy your role as being the devil on their shoulder, but the truth is, you are encouraging your friend to make bad decisions which can be outright dangerous. If someone is really your friend, you worry about their wellbeing, not encourage them to push beyond their comfort zone into doing things they don’t feel comfortable with.

You expect them to read your mind

“Hmm…Why isn’t she taking the hint? I’ve already hit her with a hundred passive aggressive memes. I can’t just say it. That would make me look really bad. It would be…confrontational. You can’t just tell someone what you’re thinking! Oh Lord, no! You have to Google the perfect meme!”

From everything I’ve learned about memes & quotes…

Memes about friends who aren’t there for you = You haven’t called me today. I’m mad

Memes making fun of people posting about their relationships online = I’m jealous. Please stop

Memes making fun of girls wearing makeup = Stop being prettier than me

See?! It’s like girl morse code. Learn to read it; Or face their wrath.

You judge them by how much they do for you, not how much they love you

“Seriously. Candy bought me a scarf and a bottle of perfume. What did you buy me? When I had a party, Candy bought me a jug of homemade moonshine. Candy helped me move when I needed someone with a truck. Candy came to my party and bought $150 worth of my products to help me reach Platinum level. Candy got me an autographed copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ (and even told the author to ignore the stain on the inside of the book – That’s a true friend!). What have you done for me? Oh yeah, your mother died. Whatever. Some excuse. Maybe Candy should be my new best friend! Wait…what? What do you mean “Good luck to Candy”?

I once had a friend I loved dearly, but I couldn’t attend her destination wedding in the Caribbean. I simply couldn’t afford it at the time. As a result, I became a HORRIBLE person. Not to mention, the wedding was on New Year’s Eve and I’d already had plans made a year in advance. Mind you, I was never asked to be a bridesmaid. I was just asked to attend. Not surprisingly, she canceled the entire event in a tearful e-mail telling everyone how it seemed like nobody cared about her big day.

This was a friend whom I’d talked to during her boyfriend’s deployments and we’d developed a friendship online. She became downright vindictive and nasty after that. All the kind things I’d done for her meant nothing because of the one thing I couldn’t do for her – Pay thousands to attend a wedding and cancel all other plans.

Friendships are a give and take. Lives get busy, people get busy. Expect nothing of your friends other than that they be good decent people, and you will not be disappointed.

grayscale portrait photo of shocked woman
Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Pexels.com

Surviving a Sociopath

If you are feeling lost, hurt, desperate, devastated, stunned, horrified, terrified, and like the world has been turned upside down, this is for you.

From the moment we have been born, we were taught this is a safe world by all public programming. If we had good parents, they made us feel safe. If they didn’t, sometimes our teachers did, someone did. Our morning cartoons showed everything was bright, colorful and happy.

It’s hard to believe, with this beautiful world we have been raised in, there are rapists, murderers, pedophiles, or evil people who exist. What is even more sad is that our view of the world is largely shaped by who we are. If you are a genuinely good person, you initially tend to think other people are good, too. You may think the world is full of wonderful people and the bad are few and far between.

The model we have grown accustomed to is that in which there is a bad guy…and a bunch of good people. In the end, a good guy steps in to lead the good people and they defeat the bad guy. It’s the same story over repeated. The bad guy always gets his come-uppance in the end.

Real life is far different.

In reality, sometimes the bad guys win. Sometimes they step in with their sociopathic stares and rip your life to shreds while you can only stand by and helplessly watch. Others around you look at you and say, “Why are you doing nothing? Why did you do nothing? Stand up for yourself!”

But when you stand up for yourself, the sociopath uses your aggression against you and claims you bullied them.

So here you are.

You’ve faced the worst of the worst at the hands of someone else or you have faced tragedy, by its own accord, which has brought you to your knees. Whatever happened to you, it was completely unfair. You didn’t deserve this. Even worse, the sociopath will dig deep into your life and find any crack to exploit in order to show that maybe, just maybe, you did deserve this. Forget all their misdeeds, their transgressions (Oh, and they are many). They have their laser focus on yours.

They are determined to tear you apart. They are going to find every last shred of confidence you have and obliterate it. They will ruthlessly cut the bond of every friendship you ever had. They will not stop until you break down and, even then, they will keep on going. They will smile if they hear they have pushed you to the point of taking your own life. They would even attend your funeral to pretend they really care.

This is what we are dealing with. This is the type of sadistic evil which exists on this planet. Thankfully, most people will never know until they have crossed paths with one of these people.

They are Sociopaths. And they are the closest you will ever get to meeting the devil in human form.

Realize you are not alone

If you’ve had the unfortunate experience of having a run-in with a sociopath, you need to know that you are not alone, first and foremost. That’s why this article exists. That’s why there are many articles across the Internet on the same topic. Sociopaths aren’t some psychobabble boogeyman. They are real and their affects on the lives of their victims can be horrific, even tragic.

Whatever is happening, right now, get through it

I know it feels like this is IT. The end of it all. They are actively destroying you, your reputation, everything you love about yourself, but realize this is only temporary. How many scandals do you remember in the national news? We live in an era so hungry for drama that yesterday’s drama is forgotten next week. I know it feels like this damage is forever, but it’s not. Hang in there. Survive.

Ditch anyone involved who watches this happen and does nothing

These people are NOT your friends. Do not befriend those who will not defend people who are actively being hurt. You will be sickened to realize many people will defend the abuser because they are weak and afraid to stand up for themselves. Do not associate with cowards. They will turn on you in a heartbeat whenever someone they perceive as more powerful is in the vicinity. They might seem like nice people, but cowards never make good friends. Cut ties with them permanently. I know it sounds harsh and some of them WILL come back and try to make you feel bad for cutting them off, but they know why. Let them go.

Realize you are NOT a Coward

They may be exasperated with you for not fighting back and may even act disgusted with you for your lack of “bravery”. But here is the thing — As said earlier, you cannot win when fighting with a sociopath. You have a conscience, a very precious gift. They do not. They will stoop to any level to hurt you. If you do the same, you will feel horrible about it and they will exploit your kindness to make you feel bad for defending yourself. You are not a coward — You are SMART to walk away and realize there is no sense in engaging sociopaths. They’re not worth it. You are. The only reason they, and all their followers, want to see a fight is because they thrive on drama and discontentment. Don’t be discouraged. What other people say about you is none of your business. Refuse to care. Focus on taking care of yourself.

Seek validation

Find people who know your struggle, what you are going through and are on your side. Let them talk. Let them assure you that you are the one in the right. Be careful of speaking yourself. Because some truly evil sociopaths will use others to gain your trust and then exploit you for information which they will then report back to the sociopath. (Of course, if you’re very cheeky, supply them with some false information to see if it comes back to you!) Trust your gut. Receive the validation, but tread carefully.

Find the Truth-Seekers

The friends you do want are the ones who have such a great relationship with the truth, they want nothing to do with people who come to them with gossip. Truth seekers will always ask for the other side of the story. They will not accept half-truths. They will examine everything brought to them with detachment because they know what truth looks like. They also know someone who barely talked to them before coming forward with damning information likely has ulterior motives. These people are smart, cautious and probably aren’t buying the sociopath’s bull.

Take care of #1

That’s you! In this period of stress, grief, pain, mourning and suffering, take care of yourself. Treat yourself to the small things that make you happy. Buy your favorite food, watch your favorite movies, read books, play sports, pamper yourself, give yourself a spa day, go get your hair done, do whatever you usually do to relieve stress. You’ve just been through some crappy times. You deserve it!

Roll with the Relapses

Some days you are going to feel strong. Others will feel like you can’t even get out of bed. Acknowledge that some days are going to be like this. Lift yourself off the floor and keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you can afford the downtime, go with it. Treat yourself, as earlier suggested. Get in the car and go on a day trip. Go through the motions. Do what you have to do. Keep waiting it out and that day will come when you feel alive again. Just don’t quit.

Cut All Ties

This not only means people. In many cases, you will have to look at all ways in which this person is able to get to you. Get away from them no matter what the cost. The hardest thing about all this is that we often have to abandon friends we didn’t want to abandon, places we loved going, social media connections, etc. Seal yourself off from this person through any means necessary and don’t feel bad about it for a second. This is a key art of self preservation. You don’t need them. They need you. They need your reactions to their drama. They need your reactions for entertainment. They, however, are expendable to you. Change your phone number, if needed. Block them from social media accounts. Delete social media accounts. Do what you have to do.

Don’t Look Back

Once you have distanced yourself from this person, do not ever go back. They may try to “talk” to you. Anyone who has talked to a sociopath can tell you they have no interest in apologizing. Though they may apologize for you – “I’m sorry YOU misunderstood ME” or “I’m sorry YOU were offended”. Don’t be fooled. These are not apologies. They want to talk to you about how you (supposedly) hurt them. They want an opportunity to pluck your strings and play a song called ‘Guilt’. They want you to feel bad. Don’t. You owe them nothing. Not a single second of your time. You don’t owe them a phone call. You don’t owe them a text. You don’t owe them coffee, lunch, dinner — NOTHING. Keep on walking.

Reclaim Your Life

When you successfully cut ties, you will start feeling relief. Because they aren’t there judging your life anymore. They aren’t there looking for ways they can exploit or hurt you. You can move on. You can breathe again. Now is the time when you rebuild. Make your life better than it was. Consider it a “purge” of horrible people. You should be left with truth-seekers and genuine people. Don’t be sad or feel defeated. You won.

Here’s the thing about sociopaths — They have little capacity to feel guilt, regret, or remorse and this transfers to all their emotions. It means they don’t feel the full depth of joy like you can. Wrap yourself in it and realize all the gifts you have they will never possess because good always stays away from evil.

Sociopaths will never have anything good in their life. Anything good won’t want to be near them or associate with them. If you are thinking of sociopaths you know that have loads of money or material possessions, just realize none of these things will ever bring them joy. Because they have the inability, at their core, to feel it. This is where you are different from them. Even though it feels like you are going through hell, please look at this as a way to reset you on the journey you were meant to be on.

This is not your end. This is your beginning.

Feel free to leave your story of survival in the comments for all those going through this painful experience. Nobody should go through this feeling alone.

Leaving the Adult ‘Mean Girls’ Clique

Dear Clique,

I’m officially leaving you. There are many reasons for this, but the main reasons is – It’s just time. I’m sure there will be anger and questions, so if you must know…

I’m tired of being fake
Nobody envies the overly edited clique selfies. We know none of us look like that in reality and the photos aren’t fooling anyone. Other people still see us in public and think we are ridiculous. You’ve shaved off entire chins, shrunk the size of waists, made upper arm fat disappear, and faces so blurry as to be unrecognizable trying to make wrinkles disappear. Just stop.

The same “Chin down, ladies!!” pose is used, camera held high in the air angled downwards so nobody looks fat. The selfies must always include as much cleavage as possible. As a result, pictures we took yesterday are indiscriminate from pictures we took three years ago. Same poses, same people, same bad photo editing. Ad nauseum.

Why do we always have the camera out? What are we capturing? Fake smiles, fake poses that we can morph into pathetic representations of ourselves to post on Facebook to PROVE how cool we are and that we have more fun than, like, everyone else? If we had the best damn time of our lives and didn’t take photos every second – Did we REALLY have a good time? This speaks more of creating appearances for other people that aren’t there than actually, you know – listening to what our friends are saying, enjoying moments and making true memories.

photo of women taking picture
Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

Life revolves around what everyone else on Facebook, Instagram, etc. thinks
Do we seriously have to live our lives for the benefit of the viewing audience and form our whole Code of Friendship based on Facebook quotes on pretty backgrounds that were likely made by a depressed teenager in her bedroom with a photo editor?

I’m talking about invented platitudes like:

“If someone seriously wants to be a part of your life, they will seriously make an effort to be in it. No reasons. No excuses.”

So really, Karen – If your friend has her own life outside the clique and doesn’t have time to chime in on your every Facebook post then she’s “Not a good friend”? Get out of here. Or…

“The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.”

This is typically only posted by the miserable and passive aggressive upset that nobody wants to pen an ode of devotion on their own Facebook wall.

I get that. When you’re miserable, seeing happy people sucks! But to “The Clique” – These platitudes are life. They are everything! A vast, obscure depository of wisdom quotes from sources such as Marilyn Monroe dispensed as passive aggressive offerings whenever one of their girlfriends pisses them off. Then watch the posts about “haters” who are “jealous” of them fly. It’s so wonderful that we have Facebook and Instagram to tell us what true friendship is. How else could we make up our own rules and then scream at anyone who breaks our invisible rules?

background blur chat colors
Photo by Fancycrave.com on Pexels.com

The way you treat others
I can’t condone this. I never could. I kept my mouth shut and I feel like crap about this. I would see other girls who were ridiculously more pretty than any of us want to join our circle… And you would chase them off. You’d call them “Thirsty” if they had too much cleavage showing in a picture. Forget that that’s your modus operandi for just about every photo session – Becky showed cleavage. If Becky’s cleavage is nice and her waist is a smaller circumference than the Queen Bee’s to possibly gain credible attention for her boobs, then Becky, obviously, must die.

Not literal death. It’s a clique, not a death cult. But I’ve seen you and your followers gang up on any chick who just wanted to be “part of the girls” in a merciless attack. Any woman prettier or smarter than you is a threat. When Queen Bee got called out on this, she said, “OMG, like…Are you trying to say MY friends are not pretty? Girls! She’s trying to say you aren’t pretty!

These are grown, adult women who actually say “You can’t sit with us” unironically. It’s hilarious, but at the same time really sad and pathetic. I’ve always considered the movie ‘Mean Girls‘ to be more of a cautionary tale, not a parable to be seriously emulated by sad, adult women.

One of the last straws, for me, was seeing you try to break up a couple we know with vicious rumors because they dared to be happy together. Why would you do this? Other than the fact that you are miserable and want to bring everyone else down with you?

two smiling women sitting on wooden bench
Photo by ELEVATE on Pexels.com

The very reasons we get together
1) To gossip
2) To drink
When I look back over the years I have spent with you – This is pretty much all we’ve done and I really enjoyed neither so I stayed on the outskirts of the clique with a foot out the door. I’m at the stage in life where it’s just sad to see pictures of grown, responsible adults drunk every single weekend doing luges down their friend’s cleavage. Every get together is about getting drunk, snapping stupid selfies, taking shots and cougaring it up until someone pisses themselves or pukes.

I like to have an occasional drink still – With dignity. But getting together to talk about whoever isn’t there has never really appealed to me.

women holding shot glasses
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You’re all about drama and exclusion
Your idea of a good time is excluding someone from “The Clique”, having a party, spreading gossip to make sure everyone hates Public Enemy #1, taking selfies so those outside the clique can see how much FUN we have together. You want to make people want to join you just so you have the satisfaction of rejecting them. How sick and sad is that?

When nobody is biting, then you start eating your own and playing The Exclusion Game with any member of the clique who seems ambivalent about the Queen Bee letting them be a part of such a wonderful friendship.

portrait of a woman
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The friendships drain me rather than uplift me
Drama and gossip. That’s all it ever is. And it’s not “venting gossip” where a friend was hurt and wants to vent to another friend. It’s malicious gossip. It’s manufactured gossip you create to ruin lives and hurt people. I’m done. I’m an intellectual person – I like talking about things like career aspirations, social issues, current events, the latest book or movie…Not about who anyone thinks Susan slept with last weekend. Short and sweet – We have zero in common and I’m sorry I even allowed myself to be part of your sick world, Sea Witch.

In “The Clique”, if you try to talk about “smart stuff”, you get made fun of. You’re only allowed to live in your Barbie world and be a Barbie girl. Made of plastic. But it’s not fantastic. Why hang out with people who leave me with feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt, or being pissed off the next day?

black and white woman girl sitting
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The Queen Bee
There are certain things one must like to be part of this clique. It’s part of the control model of the Queen Bee. She wants to know everything about you so she can exploit it, if needed. She gets you drunk, gets your secrets, takes screenshots and stuffs them into the hole where a heart should be.

She wants to know all your insecurities. She worms her way in and would be the one to show up at your house when you were sick, to offer you a ride when you need one, etc. It’s not out of the kindness of her heart (She doesn’t have one). It’s so she has something to use against you later. She controls some by her fake kindness. She controls others through fear.

When you cross her, the retaliatory gossip is fierce. She treats you like an opposing politician and tells others dirt about you. If she can find none, she makes it up. She doesn’t care who she hurts. Then she accuses you of doing all the things she is actively doing.

woman wearing black and orange leather jacket
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Because I just don’t like the example you set
Looking back over what I’ve written, I realize that I really don’t like anything this group represents. Not a thing about who you are pretending to be is who I would want to be. The shame is that some of you were completely different people before you got involved with The Queen Bee. You were kinder, gentler, nicer people. Some of you were on better trajectories to success that have been halted by a life of continual partying and making embarrassments of yourselves on social media.

I have spent so much time living in fear of The Queen Bee and worried about what you all thought of me. But none of that matters as much as what I think about you. I can’t see a single thing uplifting about people who get together and drink, gossip, sleep around, and bully other people just trying to get through life themselves. None of this is me. I don’t think any of this is you, either. I think you’re better than this, but it might take a while for you to realize the world you are living in is a lie.

No matter how old you are, you can still fall prey to a Queen Bee and a clique of women who are going to do you more harm than good in the long run.

But no more of that for me. I’m making a firm stance to start being around positive, uplifting people who are so busy talking about ideas that they don’t have time to talk about the personal lives of other people. These are hard pills to swallow. But I hope others realize they are better than the lives they’ve been leading for others on Facebook.

Sincerely,

An Outsider

adult beautiful beauty close up
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