School Drop-Off: An Epic Rant From the Foul Mouth of a Fed-Up Mom

Nothing inspires so much rage as the school drop-off line. Maybe you’re lucky and live in one of those wonderful areas of the world where your state government has not abused the taxpayer dollar and you are privileged enough to have school bus service to spare you from this hell. But if you’re in California like me, chances are, THIS IS YOUR LIFE.

Simplified, the basic idea of the school drop-off line is that one car after another drives up and drops their kid off at the curb, waves goodbye, and the parent goes off to do their thing and be yelled at by assholes all day long at their job. That should be the hardest part of their day!

But no. It can’t be that easy.

See, my kids’ school tried to make this fairly straightforward – A curbside lane for drop-offs, a middle lane to get out of the curbside lane, and a lane on the far left for those just passing through.

But none of this works as planned, because – Didn’t you know…Some parents are more special than others!

Let’s meet these paragons of humanity, shall we?

The Helicopter Mommy

Sally loves her kids more than you love yours. It’s as simple as that. Sally drops her kid off at the curb and insists on bestowing loads of affection on him in the car to make up for the precious hours they are apart.

She packed his gluten-free lunch with a sandwich lovingly cut into a heart shape, scribbled ‘Mommy loves you!’ with dry erase marker all over his plastic containers of tuna salad and homemade chocolate chip cookies. She’s even added a moist towelette that she opened and spit all over so he can clean his face with her saliva.

Bonus points: She included a t-shirt with her scent in case he misses her.

She’s Mother of the Year, of course.

And here she sits with her rotors spinning, helicoptering in the drop off line at the curb watching her precious boy walk all the way up to the door of the school. She WILL NOT leave until he’s safely inside the doors. Because that’s what good helicopter mothers do.

The rest of the day she will be monitoring Facebook looking for someone to mention a lockdown at a school so she can have a justified reason for her loosely restrained hysteria while arguing about vaccinations and breastfeeding. Meantime, while you are waiting and spilling out every sarcastic quip you can think of while holding back your seething rage, another kind of parent is seizing the opportunity to lord over all you rule-following, good citizen parents.

The Asshole

The asshole doesn’t care. Because society has made being an asshole “cool” – The rest of us must now live with twice as many breeds of dickhead as the ones that used to only occur naturally.

Thanks society!

In direct contrast to our social system hyping up the almighty Social Justice Warrior, assholes became a necessary addition to the melting pot. This is what you get when you try to make nicey-nice crap a part of society. You get assholes who get sick and tired of the narrative being forced on them and they rebel by abandoning general societal niceties, resolving to just be a dick.

So while you are sitting there waiting for Sally to move, the asshole comes barreling down the center lane, giving two shits less about everyone else in line to drop off their kids, swoops in front of Sally to drop off his kid, whom he is also teaching to be an asshole, and nearly takes out kids trying to cross the crosswalk in the process.

The asshole likes to tailgate everyone in front of him just because he can. He’s super important, if you didn’t know. Guaranteed to have some kind of shitty bumpersticker about whatever political B.S. he represents or whatever other stupid cause he has to identify with because he has a small penis.

The Hot Mess Parent

To be fair, the hot mess parent is sometimes not directly the one at fault here…but in a way, they kind of are. Because they should make sure their little hell minions have their shit together before they get in the car. Yet, here they are…Pulling up and their kid hops out of the car with no shoes on (WITH NO FUCKING SHOES ON!) and a mountain of trash falls out of the car with them. The kid obediently picks up the trash, then proceeds to not only put on and tie their shoes, but dig in the car for something, go around, open the back door and dig around till they find whatever in God’s New Green Deal recyclable hell they are looking for.

As your rage mounts waiting for them to pack for their European vacation, they go around to the trunk (THE GODDAMN TRUNK!) to get their backpack out.

Can their kid not endure a five minute drive to school in minor discomfort with a backpack on their lap or on the floor next to them? This isn’t a goddamn airport.

The icing on the cake comes when mom jumps out of the car in her beer t-shirt, fluffy PJ bottoms and slippers with 2 day unwashed hair and chases after them with a hair brush. Because her kid’s week-long unwashed hair is going to look SO much better running a brush through it, amirite? Author’s note: Do not dare to honk at this mother. She’s fucking crazy and will beat you with the hairbrush that just touched her kid’s dirty head.

The Late Parent

I hated the LATE parents so damn much I started dropping my kids off early. They’re the craziest mofos of them all. But then I realized you can’t escape the LATE parent. Because if they are not late for dropping their kid off, then they are late to their damn job. They’re late for something! And their irrational hysteria and panic may get someone killed. They will become an ‘Asshole’ parent and cut you off. They will swerve out in front of you. They, however, are not doing it to be an asshole. They are just completely not in their minds, right now, because they are about to get fired.

You’ll know them when they pull up in the center lane and push their offspring out of the passenger seat to go rolling haphazardly in front of your car like a tumbleweed with a GPA and a homework assignment on Mussolini. These kids have probably been in therapy for their unexplained anxiety issues before they were five so be kind and don’t run over them.

The Complete Dumbass

Not everyone can have an average IQ. Whatever your role in society, you have to accept this. Not everyone can function on a cellular level the way the world around them does. They’re just not going to get things like:

• You should probably let your car come to a complete stop before you let your kid get out.
• Dropping off in the far left lane is a no-no and guaranteed to eventually get your kid killed (Have you not SEEN the asshole and late parents drive?!)
• You can’t park your car in the drop-off zone during drop-off times.
• If you insist on giving your kid a backpack on wheels so as not to create muscle tone and to keep them a weak little pussy, then you should probably drop them in an area with a wheelchair accessible curb since they are going to stand there crying because they can’t lift their 40 lb bag onto the sidewalk.
• You can’t just stop your car in the left hand passing lane and then get out and chase after Timmy because he forgot his bagged lunch.
• Crosswalks are a zone where children are allowed to legally walk out in front of your car.
• Turn signals are flashing lights that indicate which direction you are going to go which alerts other drivers and helps avoid preventable collisions.
• The actual speed limit in the school zone is 25 mph, NOT 25 mph less than whatever you normally drive on city streets, which I’m judging would be about 75 mph based on your speedracer-like drift around the school crossing guard.

 

This is why a friend of mine offering to take my kids to school every morning in exchange for occasionally picking up hers was a blessing in disguise. I can sit and have my coffee in peace and meditate while planning my escape to one of those blissful states of the union where bus service is not mythical and my ugly side can stay sheathed until unearthed by more worthy causes like arguing politics on Facebook.

Are Destination Weddings “Selfish”?

From the mailbag!

We were asked what we thought about destination weddings and if they are selfish.

After all, it’s your big day, right? Weddings are all about making a single day of our lives exactly the way we’d picture it and completely magical. Everything has to be perfect down to the locale…but when you told your mother about it, did she say something like, “Well, that’s very selfish of you…”?

Maybe we pictured saying our vows at a castle in Scotland or a Caribbean beach. We want the wedding pictures of us all in white looking tanned and happy with our bare feet in white sand.

So is it selfish to ask your friends and family, to take one single day out of their lives to commit to making our dreams come true?

Absolutely.

But hold on. Let’s talk a little more about it. Sometimes being selfish is warranted. Maybe the word has a bad connotation for you, but sometimes being selfish is a necessary evil when it comes to living your own life. Sometimes there are times when thinking of yourself needs to take priority. Your wedding day is one of those times.

However, there are some things you need to realize about the touchy subject of destination weddings.

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Not everyone can afford to go.

The biggest piece of advice we can give is to never make a cash-strapped friend pay to participate in your wedding. As much as they love you, being put in this situation will almost always cause resentment. If you’ve already made her buy a $200 bridesmaid dress and now want her to pay $1500 for airfare and another $1800 in hotel costs…Even the best friend in the world is going to be angry with you. I’ve had a bride tell me asking friends to pay all this is fair because she and her family are paying for the facilities, the DJ, the photographer, etc.

Yes – A bride will pay thousands of dollars for the best day of her life. You can’t ask a mere bridesmaid to share that kind of enthusiasm. The worst thing you can do is to insinuate your friendship should mean more than money. While she may be thrilled to be there and support you because she loves you so much, the value of the experience in monetary terms does not add up.

Wedding Couple experience:  Marry the person of your dreams, wear a beautiful gown/handsome suit, look better than you’ve ever looked in your life, create memories you will be telling your grandchildren about, have beautiful photos and videos commemorating the experience, in the place you always dreamed it would all happen?

Cost:  Completely priceless

Wedding Party Experience:  Fork out money for an ugly dress/rental tux you will never wear again and have no idea what to do with when the wedding is over. Use up all your hard-earned vacation time in which you planned to go visit relatives out of state, spend exorbitant amounts of money to play a bit part in someone else’s dream, create memories that will never rank up there as the best time of your life, be photographed wearing the same ugly outfit everyone else is in photos you will never really want, going to some hot, sticky almost third world country the bride insists is sooo romantic and smack at mosquitos through an uncomfortably long ceremony after several days of helping the stressed-out couple solve last-minute wedding catastrophes. While you love your friend…Oh my God.

Cost: Waaaaaay more than they get back out of it

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Not everyone can escape responsibilities like work, children, etc. to go.

Maybe your job is generously offering you three weeks paid vacation in which to have your wedding of the century, but not everyone is as lucky. Their bosses aren’t as understanding. They’ve been saving a whole year and were finally getting to plan the vacation they have been needing for so long.

Then, they get your invitation…

They would have to cancel their dream vacation to go to your dream vacation destination. If they have personal boundaries, they may just reject the invite outright, but if they are an overly nice type that doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, they may just say yes, cancel their own plans and seethe in resentment against you secretly.

Your friends and family with children are going to be completely shut out. Getting a sitter for multiple days is another expense on top of everything else.

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Not everyone will want to go.

Uncle Bob just hates weddings. Way too fancy, long and boring. He is eager to get back to his recliner in his comfy living room and watch TV. Sure. He will suck it up and go to local weddings because he can get it over with, go back to life, and dodge out of the reception after dinner. But asking him to go to Jamaica? Ha!

It’s not just him! Your best friend may not have any desire to go to Jamaica either. Your dream destination isn’t necessarily hers and while she loves you, she really doesn’t want to go.  Not everyone likes weddings. Even your wedding.

If your dream wedding includes a full panel of bridesmaids and groomsmen, you’d better keep it local. You’ve got to consider what makes it a dream wedding to you. Is it all your friends and family celebrating with you or is it just you and your new spouse lost in each other? You can still have the latter on the honeymoon, but you can’t recapture the former.

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If you don’t approach the situation carefully, you could permanently alienate friends & family.

I knew a friend once who told me she really wanted me to go on their wedding cruise with them. She planned on doing a Caribbean cruise and the wedding would take place on the boat on New Year’s.

“But I have plans on New Year’s…” I sighed, “I’ve been planning it for a long time…”

Not to mention I couldn’t afford it and couldn’t get off work. Her reaction surprised me.

“Fine!” She stopped talking to me. I later found out so many people had said they wouldn’t go, she canceled the wedding in tears and cursed out everyone telling them what bad friends they all were and how selfish they were for not accommodating her big day. Multiple people saw her true colors and she lost a lot of friends.

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“But I still want to have a destination wedding…”

That’s fine.
After all, it is your day.
What we hope you will learn is to separate the reactions of your friends and family from the truth. The truth is probably that you had the best of intentions. In your eyes, you can see how great and how much fun it would be if everyone would just play along and fulfill your dream of a resort weekend of family bonding culminating in a wedding like in the movies, but we are dealing with human beings with free will here. It’s not always that easy.

So how do you mitigate the damages to your relationships?

Start off with your approach. If there are friends you want, must have, need to be there, call them first. Go out for coffee. Ask them honestly if it would be a huge inconvenience. Ask them if it would bother them. If it’s crucial they be there, tell them it’s more important that they are there and happy with you than it is to be getting married alone on a beach. Note their reactions. If they are gushing, excited and saying, “Oh wow!! Yes! Let’s make this happen!” then you have a blessing.

If your friend seems to hesitate, wonders about money, etc. or even seems a little upset – Do not be angry with them. They are upset because they want to be a part of your day but reality might not allow it. You would feel like you were missing out if you were the only one who couldn’t afford to be there for a friend’s destination wedding, too.

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What about invitations?

Be careful. How you word them is everything. Sending out standard invitations may not be the best thing to do. Some may RSVP that they will attend not realizing that your wedding is literally in Bermuda. Others may feel anxious thinking everyone else is going and taking this awesome trip, but they know they can’t do it. Some may even roll their eyes at you and form opinions about how entitled you are. Let’s face it, destination wedding brides can get a bad rap.

Make sure to stress you don’t expect them to come, but that it would be great if they could.

“It has always been our dream to get married on the beaches of Hawaii. Next summer, on June 23rd, 2020, we are making that dream a reality. While we would love it if everyone could be there to celebrate with us on our special day, we realize the costs of travel and other inconveniences may not make this possible and we completely understand.

However, we do want to extend the invitation to our friends & family to make the trip to see us become Mr. & Mrs. Smith in Oahu, Hawaii. We have contacted the Beachside Hotel at 123, W Beachside Paradise Dr. and were able to get a group rate of $300 per night for a block of rooms if we book by October 1st. 

Please call 1-800-555-5555 to book your room if you want to attend. The wedding will be beachside, followed by a reception in the hotel’s ballroom or a smaller convention room depending on the number of guests. Again, we really would love it if you can make the trip. You all mean the world to us and we’d love to have you there.”

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“I’ve tried being nice about it, but people are still being hateful!”

You’ve got several types of people who may be upset about this. The first are likely the ones who care. The only reason anyone is upset with you is because they would totally come to you wedding. They would love to see you tie the knot, but by moving the wedding outside the bounds of reasonable affordability, you’ve excluded them and they are likely hurt. Please understand the option you’ve chosen is one that is going to step on a lot of toes. Everyone has different ideas about expectations for weddings — Which is why nobody can ever get married the “right” way for everyone else’s standards.

The second type are those who you’ve probably had issues with about…well, everything. If they are a difficult person in your life, anyway, expect them to use this incident to make you seem like Satan. Include the difficult mothers in this group who will never be happy with any decision you make anyway. And you know what? Ignore them.

So, are you putting the idea of a destination wedding above your friends and family? Absolutely. Even though it seems cold, don’t be afraid to acknowledge this. This is a rare exception towards when it’s okay for you to be selfish. It’s about the two of you and the moment you say your vows and the memories you create. You will not be bringing everyone with you on the anniversary trip to visit the place where you said your vows. So say them someplace meaningful to you if that’s what will make you happy.

What is NOT okay is expecting to control how others feel about your destination wedding, demanding your friends be there and insisting they are “bad friends” if they can’t, making them pay to be there unwillingly, or feeling they should be grateful to you for such an awesome forced vacation. You can’t control others’ reactions. You can only check yourself to make sure you are being reasonable.

Want a wedding it would be really hard to be mad at you for? Pay everyone’s airfare, hotel accommodations and give them a per diem for meals! If you can’t do this, then be ready for the criticism because it will come.

Eloping is always a peaceful and much less expensive option if you don’t need all the attention and the criticism that comes with it. While it’s your day, if you plan on sharing it with others, be kind, loving, and gentle keeping in mind that a wedding is one day. Relationships with friends and family are for a lifetime.

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5 Ways You Will Know They Are “The One”

“When you stop looking for love, it will find you.”

Yet, sometimes we search to the ends of the earth to find the person who perfectly complements our soul. Yes, we can stop actively looking, but to find that one-in-a-million, we must always be awake, open to the people around us, searching beyond to find possibilities we wouldn’t have found had we not expanded our horizons.

Sometimes we must choose to look for love.

In the end, we always have a choice in who we love and owe it to ourselves (and that special person) to make the best choice we can possibly make.

1.  Choose the person you instantly connect with

Choose the person whose soul instantly connects with yours across the room, leaving the air sizzling with possibility between the two of you – A connection which translates well to sexual and physical chemistry. You never realize how important this chemistry is until you are in a relationship where it doesn’t exist. Maybe “Love at first sight” does not exist – But there IS this. Whatever it is; That inexplicable, energetic, magnetic, hypnotic attraction between two people. It’s not lust. It’s something bigger.

It’s a connection which makes you want to kiss them when they come close. You’ll feel it around certain people. You will be pulled to them like a moon orbiting the Earth.

Some might say this chemistry is not the most important component in a strong relationship. They are wrong. It is the absolute foundation. This connection is what’s going to have you pausing in the kitchen and hallways to hug and kiss each other, naturally, for years to come.

It’s the propelling force for friendly butt slaps and the desire to touch each other. It’s the desire to hold hands, to crave the feel of their lips on yours, the forging of the ache whenever the two of you are apart. And when things go wrong or you have a period of time where you fall out of love with each other, even slightly (which happens in every relationship), this foundation will draw you back to him or her, time and time again.

Don’t get it wrong – This connection is not based on physical attractiveness or looks alone. Someone doesn’t have to be conventionally attractive to possess chemistry that interacts with yours. It’s not a physical reaction to their beauty at all – It’s a reaction to their energy. Some will have a harder time connecting to others in this way. Empaths may find they make connections this way very easily. It’s the one that sparks myths, legends, tales of ‘Twin Flames’, soul mates, etc. Is there only one person for everyone? Doubtful. But there are souls whose energy matches yours or combines pleasantly with yours. It may sound like new age hoopla, but even the skeptic will be taken aback when they experience the phenomenon. “Chemistry” is very real. You may have noticed it between actors who excel at their professions, musicians, etc. who take advantage of this force of nature to sell their performance. Like these two…

2.  Choose the person who is good for you

Not the person who is good for your parents. Not your friends. Not your religion. Not your kids. Not your pets.  Not your brothers or sisters. Not your co-workers. Not your bank account. Not your hobbies. YOU.

“But wait a minute – These things are me!” You’re saying.

At the very core, you are your body. You are your soul. You are your thoughts. You are your waking life. You are the breaths you take in and out. You are not all those other things. You are not an extension of someone else. Your life is your own.

Simplify everything down to you and your special someone. You are the last two people left alive in the world after a terrifying apocalypse. There are no parents to give their stamp of approval. Your friends aren’t there to be impressed or envious over how hot your significant other is. There are no churches preaching the constraints of their religion against your partner’s religion. If you had kids, they are gone, too. There is nobody left to judge your partner based on their profession, looks, hobbies, etc. Money no longer matters after the apocalypse.

In this post-apocalyptic world – Do you still like this person? Do you feel like you would get tired of each other quickly? Is the post-apocalyptic world an adventure with them? Do you feel safe with them? Do they keep your spirits up? What would you talk about? How do you feel in their presence? Do you feel trapped? Do you feel like you are not allowed to speak your mind? Do you feel like you will be physically threatened? Does the person’s energy agitate you? Is their sense of humor compatible with yours? Can you both laugh at the same things?

Basically, are the two of you compatible? You don’t necessarily have to make this a line item examination. It’s okay to have differences. What matters is how you feel around each other. Take careful note of how you feel in the other person’s presence. If you do not feel like a better person, don’t respect them, or don’t trust them – Don’t choose them.

Nobody realizes the alternate reality they are sometimes choosing a life partner in – An alternate reality of everyone else’s expectations and opinions on who is best for you. Be conscious and present when choosing your life partner. If you are choosing someone to make all these other people happy and thinking how much certain people in your life are going to love them – You are not making YOU happy. You are living to please others. It’s a situation which will eventually self-destruct.

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3.  Choose the person who accepts your imperfections and helps you to grow

This one has two parts. But let’s start with the first. Let’s start with YOU. You are not a perfect person. Repeat after me:

I am not a perfect person.

Most people are painfully aware of this. Yet, it is the reason why 100% of marriages end. Because one or both parties in a marriage are not perfect people. Amazing, right?

What is truly rare, truly amazing about marriage and should honestly be in every marital vow everywhere until the end of time — is the admission that we are not perfect people. What if we vowed to be thankful and grateful to our partner for living with our limitations and imperfections as we learned how to navigate life together?

How beautiful would it be if two people vowed to love each other through their imperfections, helping each other in growing towards becoming more perfect people?

What all this translates to is choosing a patient partner. Choose the one who sees you screw up. Choose the one who listens about your past screw ups. Choose the one who praises you for making it right. Choose the person who watches your great business idea fail miserably, dusts you off and says, “Hey, you tried.” Choose the one who picks you up every time you fall and encourages you to keep moving forward. Choose the one who enriches you and encourages you to be your best. Choose the one who provides an environment in which you can grow and be who you’ve always dreamed of being. Choose the one who supports your hobbies, even if they don’t share them (and assuming they are healthy hobbies). Choose the one who isn’t disgusted by what you look like with no makeup on. Choose the one who sees you get angry, lose your shit, do things you’re not proud of, but loves you anyway. Because they know that behavior isn’t you. Because they have faith in you. Because they are invested in you. Choose the person that believes in you and your potential.

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4.  Choose the person committed to their own personal growth

Here’s part two – Your partner. Repeat after me:

They are not a perfect person.

Too many people have checklists of what they consider the perfect man or woman, talking about what they must “have”. They fail to realize that most of the traits of the perfect man or woman are traits developed by being surrounded by loving, positive people. They give unrealistic lists of what essentially amount to the ‘After’ photo of someone who has worked hard to become that person or someone who may exist on paper who will never love them in the way they wish they were loved. They neglect all the ‘Before’ photos walking around them. So many good people with so much potential.

Choose the one who has dreams. Choose the one who has objectives. Choose the one who may not know what they want to do with their life, but they’re good at things and are on their way to figuring it out. Choose the unloved one who never had someone reveal their worth to them. Choose the one who is curious. Choose the one who reads books and watches documentaries and has a genuine interest in the world around them. Choose the one who is humble. Choose the one who listens well. Choose the one always open to new ideas. Choose the one who is aware of their flaws and points them out. Choose the one who is working on their problems. Choose the one who is hard on themselves. Choose the one who apologizes. Choose the one who admits they sometimes think you deserve better. Choose the one who says, “I screwed up”. Choose the one who hesitates to judge others because they screw up themselves. Choose the one who seeks spiritual and emotional fulfillment. Choose the one who sees your mistakes and smiles, not to mock you, but in sympathy because they make mistakes too. Choose the one who loves you all the more for that. Choose the one who will never stop trying.

When you choose someone committed to personal growth, you are choosing someone who gives a damn enough about themselves to become a better person for them and who gives a damn enough about you to think you deserve more than their worst. A person doesn’t have to be PERFECT to deserve your love. They just have to be ever-evolving and growing and have the ultimate desire to be the best human being they can be.

And you should, too!

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5.  Choose the one whom with communication is easy and open

It’s said so often that it’s almost a cliché, but communication is definitely key.

You must be able to talk to your partner about anything and they must feel comfortable talking to you.

There is no compromise on this. You have to set aside time to communicate with your partner. They need to be able to come to you with what is bothering them. You need to be able to go to them. You need to be able to put down your phone, turn off the TV, stop driving, stop doing whatever it is you are doing and listen to them, even if it “inconveniences” you and they need to reciprocate in kind.

What’s more inconvenient? Losing your relationship or giving your partner a few hours of open, honest communication? If you give your partner more communication time, they will need less and less of it as they feel their needs are being met. Instead of hours of talking, it will turn into minutes. They will be happier and your relationship might grow in ways that may surprise you.

You’re not in a relationship with a robot. You’re in a relationship with a human being who has human needs and a human psyche. However, like a piece of machinery, look at communication time as an oil change. It’s routine relationship maintenance. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy, but communication is something that shouldn’t ever be stopped just because a relationship is in the “comfortable” phase.

Being in a relationship is more than just sex, sleeping next to someone, or having someone to go do things with. It’s having a companion who gets to know your soul, your thoughts, and becomes the closest human being to you on earth. This is what a relationship is. Communication nurtures and waters the soil for the rewards of the relationship to bloom in. Without it, the garden dries up and dies, or even worse, someone else will come along to tend to the garden you thought was worthless.

Choose the one who gets to know you inside out and never stops valuing your need to express yourself and never stops expressing themselves, letting you get to know them. It’s a beautiful thing when the walls come down and you let each other in, fully. This creates a lifetime bond and a bridge of trust. Never take for granted that someone loved you enough to let you inside.

Choose wisely and live well.

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Should You Keep “Haters” in Your Life?

Some people call them “Frenemies”.

Do you really like them?
That’s debatable…
Do they really like you?
You’re really not sure.

By some sort of obligation, there is an unexplained duty to let them sit and smirk in the corner of our lives. We let them peruse the details of our lives on social media. Always observing, laughing at us when we trip up. Jumping in immediately to agree with anyone who says something against us.

And we wonder why we feel socially anxious and uncomfortable in our own skin!

Maybe they are friends of friends. Maybe there is some other tie to them in which it would feel like too much of an upheaval to sever. You just want to fly under the radar with them…but you worry about hurting their feelings.

It’s easy to become so worried about hurting others’ feelings without being mindful of how they treat us. However, the first time I heard someone tell me to cut all the negative people out of my life, I laughed.

Some of the closest people in the world to me were horribly negative people. The type of people you might love for their own quirks, weirdness, even their kindness, but they were determined to not allow me to grow. I was in a period where I’d been working on myself and thought I was on my way to becoming a butterfly; They told me I wasn’t a caterpillar. I was an earth worm. I thought I was growing smart and capable; They made sure I knew I was irresponsible or stupid.

The problem with keeping these kind of people around, is that we start to believe them on some level. We tolerate them. We put up with their crap because we wonder if their criticisms of us are valid. Enough to make us justify their hurtfulness. What if they are only telling the truth even if it hurts to hear…?

“Be realistic,” We hear them say through a smirk, implying that you’re being unreasonable in your goals. What if they are right? They throw a wrench in your gears to the point you can’t even see the possibilities anymore; Only all the reasons why you might fail.

Stop right there. We can’t let people who never have anything nice to say come into our lives to crap on our every thought. There is no point to it. It is your life to lead, isn’t it?

So maybe you let them say what they have to say, but have stopped taking haters to heart and feel like you’ve finally become mentally strong.

BUT…You’re going to keep them around to “show” them. You will go on to be successful and make them eat their words. You’ll keep them around just to show them how wrong they were.

Don’t.

I knew a woman who once made every post of hers on Facebook public because she knew her ex-husband might see it. In every one, she posted sexy pictures of herself to show him what she thought he was missing. She posted about her vacations. She made her life seem more glamorous and exciting than it was. After a while, everyone realized she was living her entire life just to spite him and we wondered if she realized it, too.

What kind of life is it living for the benefit of others? Everything she did was “aimed” at someone. Whether it be a passive aggressive Facebook post or a post about how great her life was and how much fun she was having. She wanted all her “haters” to know it.

What she actually didn’t see was that everyone saw through her. Nobody cared. Nobody was jealous. When someone lives their life posting passive aggressive Facebook quotes – Underneath it all is a kind-of pathetic veneer to a painful life nobody in their right mind is actually jealous of. Lots of people can sniff out posers a mile away.

She continued living her life for her “haters” until her real friends got sick of it. Every conversation with her was negative. Everything was always about the people who supposedly hated her. She was always plotting and planning her next move and how she was going to make them look stupid.

Witnessing all this unfold on social media was sad. I finally unsubscribed to her issues. And it felt amazing.

Ask yourself this question. Would you let someone who hated you come into your house and sit in the back of the room and roll their eyes and criticize you?

I don’t think so.

So why would you keep them in your circle of friends? On social media? “Haters” have no place in your life. None. They are never going to do you any good. There is a simple answer to this dilemma – Drop them. Yes, I know you will say it’s not that easy. I don’t care if it’s your own mother. When someone treats you with continuous disrespect, they have no place in your life. Slam the door.

Why, exactly, would you even feel like you have to keep them around so they can see you reach the pinnacle of success one day? You’re wanting to prove them wrong and think this is going to dispel their hatred?

News flash – It won’t.

And it’s going to make it harder for you to reach success. Because you are always going to have their negative voice in your ear.

Think about this, too – What if you don’t succeed? What if you have a multitude of failures in your life? You are giving them fuel for their own drama-kindled fire. Protect your life, your heart, your soul, your being. Get rid of these people who have no positive will towards you.

Get rid of ambivalent people whom you are not sure like you or not. People who do like you will let you know. People who do not like you won’t hide it. They make things easy. Ambivalent people, on the other hand, will chip away at your confidence. They are a slow drip of acid to your self worth.

Keeping a hater on social media to “show them” is like dropping a toaster in your bathtub while you’re soaking because it breaks the toaster when it’s submersed in water, too.

You’re only hurting yourself.

Taking it a step further, if you are the type that believes in “energies”, when you invite haters to hang around in your circle of friends, you are also extending a welcome to their toxic, negative energy. If you think you are going to go on to become a raging success surrounded by haters and their energy weighing you down, think again.

These people have a way of getting into your head and filling it with negativity. They are masters of dragging out the darkest of thoughts and placing them in your brain like mental roadblocks. Get away from them.

Live your life for you and the people who love you.

There may be people who are so deeply entrenched in your life, it’s like sawing off your own arm to escape. But you need to…for your mental health.

On the other side of all this is the circle of friends you always dreamed of having. The people who love, care for you and who let you live your own life. The ones who don’t take your kindness for granted.

Life is better when there is nobody sitting over in the corner hoping to see you stumble and fall. If they don’t love you at your worst, they certainly don’t deserve you at your best.

The Best Exercise For Depression You’ll Ever Do

Many of us haven’t had easy lives.

Do you ever feel if you listed out a timeline of all the stuff that’s happened to you, it would floor most people? But so many of us don’t like to talk about it. We don’t want to dwell on things. We don’t want to be a permanent victim. So we’ll shut up and carry it with us while people tell us things like, “Maybe you should exercise, take vitamins, try essential oils, do the Keto diet, see a therapist, buy this book, attend this seminar, go out into nature…” etc.

True. Many of these things are vastly impactful on your quality of life. But people telling you these things do not understand your phase of depression.

When you are here, desperate for relief, depression feels like you are caught in the jaws of the beast. You can struggle all you want, but nothing gets you OUT. Nothing can release you.

Depression is a totally hopeless feeling. You might feel like your time has come and gone. Everything you had hoped for yourself is now out of reach. Or you’re looking around at everyone rising every morning, going to work – For what? What is the purpose of all this? To live for a short time, then die? Are we all competing with each other? There is always someone smarter, better-looking, better at our job than we are, etc. What is the point of all of this?

One of my favorite pastimes, when depressed, used to be endlessly Googling things like:

“Life seems pointless”
“Everyone would be better off without me”
“I don’t want to live anymore”
“I’d kill myself, but I don’t have the balls”

Yes, I could be a regular Eeyore.
Was I fun or what?

I was praying Google would give me the answer out of nowhere. It never happened. I might get directed to an article with one of the universal “Thanks, but that doesn’t help” tips like…”Hey, exercise! You’ll feel better!”

While this is true, when you are feeling like the walls are closing in and you are having a hard time just breathing, shallow advice is not what you want to hear.

Your mind is in crisis.

You don’t tell a man who is having a heart attack to get up and run because it prevents heart disease and he’ll feel better. He is in crisis. He needs immediate help.

When you have reached crisis level depression, if you are brave enough to tell someone the severity, they tell you things like “My door is always open” or refer you to the suicide hotline. A person truly in crisis may feel insulted by this. They may not need talking off the ledge. They just need to know RIGHT NOW what to do to relieve this horrible feeling. Not tomorrow, not next week. Right now. They are stuck in a moment so painful they need help getting through it.

At the worst, they end up in a psychiatric hospital. Now, they get to carry the stigma of “crazy” because they were depressed. Why is it depression is never taken seriously until it involves suicide or suicide attempts. How sad is that?

Most people don’t really want to die.
They just want to learn how to live.

With a heavy dose of medication, they’re sent on their way. Maybe, if they’re lucky, they get a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who is worth a damn and they are able to walk through the root of the cause.

The problem is, the ones who need help the most usually don’t get treatment. Maybe they can’t afford it, have anxiety so bad even getting to a therapy appointment and through it is more than they can take, they’ve had bad therapists before that didn’t help them, or maybe they were put on medication that didn’t solve their problems but made them feel like a walking zombie.

If you’re in crisis and you’ve found yourself here – Welcome. I have an exercise for you. While it’s not the physical exercise your friends are recommending, it’s one that will help you mentally.

I get you. Stay with me, friend. There is light. There is hope.

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Depression’s Link With Anger

Right now, you may not know how you’re going to get through another minute of this. Breathe and relax.

For now, we’re not going to focus on what you’re upset about right now. The reason you are not dealing well with the present is because you have never learned to deal with the past. If you need to skip ahead and do the exercises to come below for present things you are dealing with – You are more than welcome to do so. For generalized depression, we’re going to start in the past and move forward because you will see how these things build on each other a little easier.

Sigmund Freud once said: “Depression is anger turned inward.”

It’s true. Think about it. If you were ever suicidal or knew someone suicidal, many times they were someone others knew as good people. They probably had a lot going for them to everyone else.

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Often, they are the nice people, the funny ones, the ones who give so much to others. But they become tired and weary. They are taken advantage of over and over again for their kindness.

When they need to heal, other people are asking them to take on their problems. “They won’t mind“. They suffer in silence while anger slowly builds. They become the butt of other people’s jokes because “They won’t mind”. Other people know them as someone with a good sense of humor.

They walk the tightrope, trying to be a good, decent human being that makes others laugh, and being a miserable, angry person who hates the world. As the facade begins to crumble, they lash out in fits of anger nobody saw coming. They overreact. The anger bubbles over the edges of a long-boiling pot, dousing the flame of life below that kept them going.

Yet, so many still refer to someone who committed suicide as selfish.

Excuse me? These people commit suicide because they truly feel the world, and lives of people around them, would be better off without them. How on earth is that selfish?

The last person most suicidal people are usually thinking about is themselves.

Depression, at its heart, is seething rage. Wrapped in sadness, misery and hopelessness.

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If you are depressed, you may not feel it. You feel sad more than anything, because you have not given your permission yet, for this blue-covered sadness to show its angry red underbelly.

But it’s there. Some people may have chemical imbalances or other reasons for depression, but what I’m about to tell you has been life-changing.

The Most Therapeutic Exercise For Depression

I want you to picture your depression as a giant field of weeds. Other people have fields of flowers and – Lucky you! –  You have weeds. For the weeds you are picturing in your mind, you can give them some sad, blue blooms if you want, but make no mistake – They are weeds.

Maybe you have some beautiful flowers in there, too, but weeds have taken over, choking them, preventing their growth. Each weed of depression grows from roots of anger underground. How do you get down to the roots to pull them up?

We’ve got to dig deep, my friend.

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Trace the stem of one weed down into the dirt. What caused you to feel so much sadness and hopelessness?

I guarantee you, after you trace that stem down beneath the surface into the dirt, you’re going to find glowing red roots made up of unfulfilled destiny, a hurt, something someone said once, something someone did once, some regrets you have, your shame, your fears that kept you from reaching your potential, the things holding you back, the negative people in your life who don’t take you seriously or discount you, the people who want you to fail, the pain you caused others, the guilt you feel…This is the root of your depression. And certain life factors continue to nurture and water the depression, keeping the soil it grows in fertile.

At the time these things happened, you felt some fear or anger. Because you didn’t know how to process these emotions, you buried them. They were seeds. Now they’ve grown into this overwhelming sadness. The only way to get through this is to go, weed by weed, down to the root.

This weed grew because your mother said you were worthless, once.
This one grew because you were bullied in school.

You never realized how much these small incidents impacted you, did you? Remember it like it was yesterday. It’s going to sting all over again, but you’re holding the weed killer. You just never knew it.

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Here is where the exercise comes in. Take out a pen and paper. A notebook for this is even better. It might shake you up emotionally, but you’re going to feel better. This might take you months or years to do, but if therapy is not your thing or even if you are seeing a therapist, this is going to help you open a lot of doors and finally tackle some of those weeds keeping flowers from growing in your garden.

Think back to the earliest you can remember. I want you to, total stream of consciousness, start writing the things from your early childhood that made you angry starting with:  “I’m angry because…”

I’m angry because my parents never stood up for me.
I’m angry because my brother was the favorite in the family.
I’m angry because of that incident in the kitchen where my brother threw the cereal across the floor and I got blamed and beaten because of it.
I’m angry because grandpa said I was lazy and spoiled.

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Let it out. STOP WORRYING ABOUT “SOUNDING LIKE A VICTIM”. Realize this is a projection someone else in your life has put on you to prevent you from handling your problems.

Don’t worry that it sounds like whining.
Don’t worry that it sounds self-pitying.
Stop that thinking. You’re safe here.

In this space of paper, you can finally say all those things that have always pissed you off. You can listen to angry or sad music if you want as you do this. Maybe you are starting to see, shoving your hurt and anger underground and letting it fester has only producing a sad bunch of weeds choking your happiness.

You may want to do a small section of your childhood and stop.

Take note of how you feel afterwards. Relieved? Happier? Guilty? Beware of guilt. If this exercise makes you feel guilty, you may have had someone in your life who did not allow you to properly express your emotions. This is a dangerous thing. They may have stressed to you that “nobody likes a victim”. But guess what? You are getting all this out of your system because you don’t want to be a victim. You are dealing with it. That’s the bravest, most noble thing you can do.

The Peace of Resolution

You’re not done just yet. Acknowledging the feelings is one thing, but I’m not going to ask you to do something about it. What are you possibly going to do about an incident that happened when you were six that still brings you painful feelings? Instead, I want you to open another page and write down the first thing you wrote. I am going to ask you to bring closure to the incident.

“I’m angry because my parents never stood up for me” then add a big comma + BUT afterwards:

“I’m angry because my parents never stood up for me, but…”

And now I want you to reflect on this. You’ve been feeling this anger for a long time. Maybe you never really acknowledged it, but it’s been there. So don’t dwell on your parents never standing up for you. Think – Has anything good happened as a result of this?

“I’m angry because my parents never stood up for me, but because they didn’t, I learned to stand up for myself. I learned what it feels like to have nobody on your side. As a result, I’ve always stuck up for the underdog. I’ve always helped people who are hurting. It’s made me a better parent, a better person, a better friend. My kids will never feel like they have no one in their corner. I’m learning to parent myself the way my parents failed to and stick up for myself.”

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Don’t make excuses for someone else’s nasty treatment of you. If you forgive them, you can write that, too, but don’t excuse someone else’s bad behavior. However, for even the worst of the worst of incidents, sometimes there are things you learned or something from the incident that caused you to relate more with other people. Sometimes there is a positive side. Not always.

Go through every one of your “I’m angry because…” statements. It may still make you angry to recall. You don’t have to redefine everything in positive terms. Making the negative positive is not going to bring you healing. Sometimes negative is just that. What will bring you healing is defining an END each of the events by giving your final thought on it. You’re acknowledging it happened and saying, “It is what it is” and giving your final thoughts on it or stating any lessons learned. Sometimes it will not be positive or pretty. You have a right to own that anger and justify feeling it, then closing the door on it. “I was angry then, but now it’s funny because look at the source!”

“I’m angry because grandpa said I was lazy and spoiled, but you know what? Grandpa was an alcoholic jerk who only saw me twice a year and didn’t live with us to see all the chores I did and how much I did to help my parents. Grandpa was also talking to a 7 year-old kid who acts like a child. Most kids aren’t the picture of productivity at that age so Grandpa can shove his opinion up his you-know-what along with his hemorrhoids”

It’s okay to make yourself laugh during this. You are now in a place of healing. After you’ve felt the anger, it’s important to point out the lessons learned, the ways it changed you, to reframe the incident or to point out the sheer ridiculousness of what happened.  It’s totally okay to make light of even the darkest situations in your life.

You’ve been carrying anger with you for so long. It’s time to set it down.

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The weird thing is, as you dredge up these old memories and resolve them, more that had upset you that you’d forgotten about will crop up. You’ll be truly amazed at how much hurt you were hanging onto from childhood. I was shocked at some of the stuff that still pissed me off.

It should be no surprise. As children, we encounter situations all the time that we don’t know how to process yet, mentally. We’re still very young. If we had traumatic childhoods, we could have fields of weeds that stretch on for miles. I wasn’t capable, at the age of five, to put many things into perspective. I was still angry with the boy next door who stole my Star Wars figurines (Of course, maybe I should still be angry. Those things would probably be worth money now).

I’d recommend keeping a notebook. You can write them down as they happen and resolve them as you move on with life. I’m not there yet, myself, but maybe one day, I can learn to take an incident that happened as it’s happening and learn to reframe my thinking so I don’t let pain blossom into a full blown weed again.

As cheesy as this whole exercise sounds, it’s the only written exercise I’ve ever done that has been so powerful and instrumental enough that it allowed me to express the anger, found rationality in the anger and allowed me to calm, self-soothe and dismiss the anger.

Sometimes the great philosophical minds of our time are right. Freud certainly was. Anger – A million tiny papercuts to our soul – Is often the cause of debilitating depression.

I don’t care if it sounds corny, from one person with depression to another – Try it. Put yourself in control of every bad memory. Rewrite the angle of every single one like a screenwriter would write a movie. It’s all about perspective.

Namaste.

You deserve every happiness.

Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas That Don’t Suck

Want to get something for that special someone that isn’t… well, lame?

Yeah, yeah – The stores have stuffed animals, flowers, chocolate – All that crap. While women are wanting to get him something but not even sure what he would like, men are buying stuffed animals. Cute. But useless clutter after the holiday has come and gone.

We know the best gifts are sometimes the gift of creating memories together, but sometimes you just want to give something special too.

We’ve looked high and low, scaled the scariest depths of Amazon, looking for gifts for REAL people. Useful gifts. Sentimental items that won’t cause resentment because our new Marie Kondo fixation says we shouldn’t be holding onto items that don’t bring us joy (but will make us feel guilty as hell to throw away). Quirky, practical, cheap, interesting – Your guide to guilt-free giving starts here:

For Concert-Lovers, Musicians, Motorcyclists or Sound Anxiety Sufferers

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My brain and ears have been having this fight for years…My brain loves music. My ears hate extremely loud noise. These earplugs are the compromise.

I didn’t have an “eargasm” but the part of my brain that likes music while hating painfully loud noise was happy. Unlike foam earplugs, these won’t totally kill your listening enjoyment. They are decibel-reducing earplugs which preserve the fidelity of sound while blocking harmful frequencies. It’s like putting a volume control on the room you are in. Pretty cool!

They are fantastic for musicians who rely on being able to hear bandmates while preserving their hearing (Also great for vocalists who still need to hear pitch while dulling sound). Along with a pair of concert tickets, this is one gift your concert-going love or musician would likely never think to ask for, but they’re pretty awesome, super easy to insert in your ears, and they come in smaller sizes for those of us with smaller ear canals (you can get those here: Eargasm Smaller Ears Earplugs).

Anxiety sufferers who are noise-sensitive will also love these. If you still need to hear, but need to dull the sharpness of sounds around you, these are for you. We highly recommend also getting the Eargasm Earplugs Connector Cord  so you can take them out easily and keep them handy. Also recommended for motorcyclists.

For the Handyman

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What do you get the man who has everything? Or what do you get the husband who has been sitting on the couch for three weeks straight after we asked them to hang a ceiling fan? This thing right here – A magnetic wristband made for holding screws, bolts and nails.

This is another gift we’ve actually purchased because of the amazing reviews. There are a ton of variations on this product on Amazon, but all with the same concept – This product eliminates the need for something or someone to hold your screws and bolts while you’re working. This way, they are always handy and you don’t need your wife or kid to hold onto them for you and hand them to you, one by one. Just think! If Ralphie’s dad had one of these in ‘A Christmas Story’, he never would have uttered the F word and had to sit with a mouth full of soap.

For Anyone…Really

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There is no limit to the number of things that can be personalized, these days. We are big fans of personalized gifts as long as they provide some function. From beautiful wall art, personalized throw pillows, dog tags, coffee mugs, cool picture frames, necklaces personalized with your photo or pet’s photo, or even SOCKS with your face on them – What is a funnier or more creative gift? Our personal favorites are the double photo frame above. Put your favorite song lyrics or poem on one side and a photo of the two of you on the other. Instant hit! It’s a gift most would absolutely love.

The pendant locket above is not only beautiful on the outside, but you can put your favorite picture inside. There’s a sweet video on the product page of someone giving this to their mom! Lockets sure aren’t as typical or cheesy as they used to be.

Finally, check out the hammer reading ‘Let’s Build More Memories Together’? Say it with me: “Awwwww” Even the most manly man might have their eyes start sweating a little. This one is great for a man when you want to give him something sweet and sentimental but not too knick-knack-ish or sappy.

For the Guy Who Likes Tailgating

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These gifts are just FUN. It’s another one we’ve tried and tested. I bought the scoreboard for my cornhole-loving husband. If you don’t know what cornhole is and are looking at us like we’re crazy, think “bean bag toss” (pictured above). It’s become such a serious sport, they even have Cornhole championships on TV now. It’s a good, fun party game and very popular with tailgate party-goers.

If you already have a cornhole set, the scoreboard is an awesome setup to not only keep score, but to keep you from throwing out your back repeatedly bending over picking up your beer. One of the reviews for this product even says it has a great double usage for scoring points in fights with your significant other (Haha!). But hey, this is a Valentine’s day gift post so let’s not go there…

For the Fashionable Guy Who Has Everything

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Since clothing is really personal, it’s rare we put anything related to clothing on a gift list. When shopping for someone else, it can be hard to get their style just right. But when we come across a find like this, it’s worth mentioning.

This jacket simply looks cool on anyone. One of our writers ordered it for her son, tried it on for fit, and immediately wanted one just like it for herself. It looks great on her, looks great on him, is very high quality, and reasonably priced. She said her son’s eyes lit up when he saw it and he didn’t take it off for a week. And her husband even remarked what a nice jacket it was…and kinda wanted one, too.

For the Woman Who Wants to Get Organized

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OMG. Take our money! Where has this been all our lives? Men, why would you not buy this for your lady? If the mess she leaves all over the bathroom counter annoys you, we see that makeup carousel helping immensely. Jewelry – Everywhere? Take a look at that mirror that doubles for jewelry storage.

As an added bonus, maybe being organized will help her get ready a little faster not having to search for what she’s looking for? Seriously, this is a win-win for both of you. What are you possibly waiting for?

Stupid Gifts…Because Neither of You Take Valentine’s Day Seriously Anyway

      
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What the hell IS this stuff? Mini-golf…for the toilet?!

There are lots of reasons why this could make an outstanding gift, such as; He won’t be using his smart phone, getting poop germs all over the screen? Or maybe you feel sorry for him because you kick his ass at mini golf and he needs practice? Next, we have the beer fortune teller, which promises 20 different fortunes in the bottom of your glass. It’s a good excuse to drink to find the answers in the bottom of a beer!

An inflatable tube man (desktop size and comes with an adapter! Yay! No batteries!). This is great for those weirdly obsessed with these things and get all their best dance moves from them (Let’s Just say we know people). Another source of endless joy until the last crayon runs out, is the ‘Gangsta Rap Coloring Book‘. We don’t even have words for the joy this could bring many 40 year-old suburban moms who miss the days of cruising the local strip mall to the sounds of Tupac.

Last, and perhaps, definitely the least, we have the gift of absolutely nothing. If it doesn’t bother you too much to pay for nothing, it’s the perfect gift. Packaged beautifully and all set up to bring…not much joy. It probably won’t get you laid, but it will teach a lesson the next time they tell you they want “nothing”. Well, here ya go…

For the Woman Who Is Ready for Summer Already 

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We are living in the best times. They make lawn chairs now with holes for your face…and your boobs! How great is that? So, we were leery reading all the Amazon reviews of this chair, but gleaning a lot of the negativity is because it doesn’t hold up well for holding…Err, a lot of weight? So maybe it’s not the best chair, yet, for ladies who are all about that bass, but we sincerely hope one is manufactured which caters to EVERY woman’s dream of lying face down and reading her book on the beach. That should be a God-given right. Someone get on it!

In the meantime, if your girl is more on the petite side, reviewers are stating they can’t live without this. So it’s kind of a big deal. And we’ll be honest, this chair sounds like heaven.

For the Couple Who Want a Good Night’s Sleep

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1, 2 – Menopause is coming for you…
3, 4 – Won’t sleep no more…
5, 6 – Might wanna buy this…
7, 8 – No more staying up late…

We kid, we kid. The BedJet V2 Climate Comfort for Beds comes with a cooling fan + heating air with biorhythm sleep technology. This model is a single zone control, at $349 topping as the most expensive item on our list. You can get a dual zone for a King bed at a whopping-but-worth-it $789 (also available if you click the photo and choose the dual zone option). It’s built just to keep you cool…or toasty and warm on these winter nights. The manufacturers also state that the product keeps things a little drier under the sheets and less prone to smelly bacteria and other nasties from moisture expended while we sleep. Now, that’s cool! Or warm…or whatever!

Look at this as two gifts in one. It’s a gift for both of you and has so many uses. The reviews of this product truly show the dollar value is well-compensated. If she’s freezing, she can crank it up and at least warm her cold feet before she shoves them into your back. You can also include aromatherapy in the uses of this product. And it’s all controllable via your phone! Who wouldn’t want this? Sounds like it’s worth every penny.

For the One Who is Obsessive About Keeping Stuff Like New

  

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“Don’t f*ck up the table!” Did we stutter? These slightly crude, but hilarious coasters make the perfect gift for your foul-mouthed friends or for your significant other who is always f*cking up the table. You can’t be around to remind them 24/7 so this is the next best thing. Dare you to leave them out when the in-laws visit…

But if you like to keep your mouth as clean as your table…We’ve found some pretty cool coasters in the shape of 45’s.

For the Armchair Politician

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Is your husband a news and politics junkie? Being that today’s news is about 90% politics and 10% actual stuff going on in the world that does not involve politics, perhaps it’s not FAKE NEWS that he’s chosen his side and tells the world about it? God bless him. If politics are the main squeeze of your main squeeze, get them a little something sure to bring a chuckle. Politics: The new team sport. Don’t build THE WALL between you. Support his political habit!

For the Every-Now-and-Then Wine Drinker or Collector

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If your wine drinker gets aggravated because they only want a glass every now and then and the bottle goes bad because they don’t drink enough, this is a great gift. The Coravin wine system allows you to insert a tiny needle through a bottle’s cork to extract wine while leaving the bottle sealed, replacing the siphoned wine with argon gas. This means you don’t have to commit to opening a bottle and drinking it within the next week. Maybe they’re faithful to you, but it’s great for those with commitment issues to drinking.

On the other end of the scale, this one is perfect for the wine collector. You can get a sample of any wine in your collection without opening the bottle. It’s a wonderful gift for anyone with a palate for wine. And it’s used by many professional wineries and restaurants now. Also by the writer of this article! This is a ‘must have’ for wine enthusiasts.

For the One Who Entertains or Likes His Music to Create a Mood

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Right before Christmas, we were wandering Best Buy in search of gifts for the kids when we saw a guy fooling with this speaker. He was connecting his phone to it and music came bursting forth from it with a light show, a strobe and beautiful sound with tangible bass. My husband and several other men were drawn like moths to flame.

“Wow! That’s great!” my husband’s eyes lit up.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cheap, too!” the guy said.

“Oh, I kind of want one…This is fantastic!”

By the drawing crowd of fascinated men and with a price tag under $250, I knew exactly what I was getting for him. The whole house uses this speaker now. It’s well-loved by all as our Ultimate Party Speaker and the light show is super cool.

For the one who Likes Tech That Makes Life Easier

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“I just want to watch my YouTube cooking show…IN the KITCHEN! Ugh!!!” but the WiFi craps out if you are outside of the office. Great. The Rock Space WiFi Extender is that gadget thing you may never have heard of…that you never even knew you needed. The promise of extended WiFi? Adding to shopping cart. Can’t live without this.

The ScreenBeam also allows you to watch content from your phone on your TV quickly and easily. Even more cool? Reviewers are saying you don’t even need WiFi to do this. The device creates its own network and works with most phones, laptops and tablets.

 

For the One Who Buys What They Want, When They Want It
Okay, we’ve found some of the “weird” and “wonderful” for you, but if your spouse is the type that knows what they want (which makes them a real challenge to buy for) and will just get it when they want it, make sure they have an Amazon Prime Membership. It’s so worth it. Not only do they get expedited shipping with it, but there are a ton of benefits including a Netflix-like service (Amazon Prime), photo storage, etc. Your whole household can use a single membership so you can buy anything on this list…and get it faster!

Did you find your perfect Valentine’s Day gift on this list? Are we missing something amazing? Let us know! We’d love to hear about it!

Should You Update Your Relationship Status on Facebook?

Getting into or out of a relationship can be precarious. Not only in reality, but in breaking news to extended friends and family through social media.

There is no etiquette book on how to proceed with these situations without looking like a complete and total jackass, looking desperate or alienating others in stating the simple facts of our love lives.

Yes, there are the hipster couples who believe their love is above the tawdriness of social media. They look down their noses at those who feel the need to declare their ‘status’ on Facebook. They laugh at those who fall prey to the groupthink of social platforms. They don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. They don’t need Hallmark holidays. Etc. Etc.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. But for the rest, their online lives are tied to their real lives so when there is a big change in one…It’s only natural to want the other to reflect it, right?

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The New Relationship

Thrilled to be in a new relationship with Aaron and after a wonderful date the night before, Candace opened Facebook the next morning and updated her relationship status.

‘In a Relationship with…’

She selected his name from her list of friends and smiled.

The congratulations started pouring in. Old friends started asking when they might get to meet this new man in her life. Other mutual friends were saying, “About time!”

These friends had been out on dates with Candace and Aaron, had a great time, and were genuinely happy for the couple.

Two months is good, right? Candace thought so. It wasn’t too soon. In fact, she’d seen people change their relationship status within days of meeting someone. So imagine Candace’s shock when Aaron refused to accept her relationship status invite.

“I don’t need that on my profile!” he rolled his eyes, “We’ve been dating two months! It’s too soon.”

A lengthy fight ensued and the couple called it quits.

In the days that followed, it haunted Candace. She had really liked Aaron. What if she was in the wrong? What if Aaron was right and they didn’t need to broadcast to the world they were in a relationship? Maybe she really screwed up a good thing.

But let’s take a look at reality – If someone is upset over others knowing they are in a relationship with you, there are reasons why and none of them are likely good unless they are in the witness protection program.

Candace’s Side

“I really love Aaron. I am almost certain that he’s The One. We’ve been dating for months and everything about it just feels right. He’s funny, intelligent, handsome, has a good job, would be a good dad, definitely marriage material…I want to be with him for the long haul. I really do. So I didn’t see the harm in making it Facebook official to our friends and family. Normal people would be okay with this, right?”

Aaron’s Side

“Yeah, Candace is cool. But I just don’t know. There are a lot of women out there. I’m definitely not seeing myself getting married in the next five years. I am not ready for all of that. And Candace is sexy…Really sexy. She doesn’t try to hide that and I’m not quite sure I want my family seeing some of the pictures she posts. To be honest, they’d think she was a tramp. Oh…and my friends. For one thing, they’d all have to check her out and give me a hard time about it. Then, every time they ever saw me so much as talking to another girl, they’d start asking me ‘What about Candace?” and I kinda want to keep my options open, you know? It would take someone really special to make me totally shut down all options and reserve myself for only her. I just don’t think Candace is that person. I want to keep dating her, but I don’t want to put it up in lights just yet. Or probably ever.”

Ouch.

In the case of relationships, unless you are that aforementioned hipster couple, if one half of the couple wants to update their status and the other doesn’t, there is hesitation there. And hesitation is always worth talking about.

If the reasons why aren’t legit, then maybe it’s time to abandon the ‘ship. A relationship status change to ‘In a relationship’ shouldn’t make you cringe. If it does, it’s time for a talk.

There is always the case that it’s too soon. So when should you tell the world? For a new relationship, that guideline is:

When you both can’t wait to tell the world about it.

You’ll know it. Be with them after a great date or a magical moment and say, “You know what I would love to do? I’d love to be able to make it public that I’m with you. Should we update our relationship status on Facebook?”

This simple conversation can save a lot of heartbreak if feelings are not mutual.

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For the Newly Single or Divorced

This can be one of the hardest things to do after a breakup and you’ll never know it until you are there, staring at a drop down box with options in front of you, realizing the finality of letting someone go (And how stupid it feels that you are crying over a selection on Facebook).

It’s especially tough after a relationship which lasted many, many years. It’s easy to go on with life and forget it’s there somewhere on your social media profiles. ‘Married to Sarah Smith’.

The good thing, for you, in a divorce situation, sometimes your ex-spouse will do the honors for you and change their status first. Gratefully, this defaults your status to just ‘Married’ – No name attached, just ‘married’.

Here’s the thing about Facebook:  Your every move is announced. If you change your status to ‘Single’ or ‘It’s complicated’ – Everyone will know and you will get the questions from everyone. The answer to the question, “When do I change my relationship status on Facebook after a breakup or divorce?” is this:

When you know for a fact it is over, a respectful amount of time has passed, and you are ready to talk about it.

If you’re not ready to talk about it, don’t change your status. If there is still hope for resolution, don’t change your status. If you and your spouse just had ‘THE fight’ – That final showdown you are convinced will end everything…

Wait.

In the case of breakups, there are only a few reasons to change your relationship status. Think about these things before you hit that button:

1.  Does everyone really need to know your business?
2. Has a significant enough period of time gone by in which you know you’re not going to work things out? What’s a significant enough period of time? It’s very relative to how long you’ve been together and how well-established you are as a couple. There is no wrong amount of time, but there are amounts of time small enough where you will face more blowback, social damage and judgment.
3. Are you ready to answer all the questions about what happened to well-meaning people on social media who may say insensitive things?
4. Are you in an intense emotional state, right now?
5. Are you itching to change it to ‘Single’ just to show your ex or to advertise to everyone on Facebook that you are now available to start lining up dates?

Remember, while changing your status can cause chaos, there is NO harm, even if they moved on and are already with someone else, in keeping your relationship status as it is for as long as you want, as long as you are not actively seeing other people.

If you’re wanting to stick it to them by being ‘single’ on social media – This is when you should definitely pause because it can backfire in serious ways, making the one who changes their status look like the cold, uncaring one.

Try using the in-between, more respectful status of ‘Separated’ before jumping straight from ‘Married’ to the desperate-sounding ‘Single’. Remember, attorneys are bringing social media actions into the courtroom now so tread lightly during dirty divorces.

While it seems like such a small thing, knowing when or when not to make it ‘Facebook Official’ can cause real tears and emotions. It’s not “Just Facebook”, it’s a mirror reflecting our lives, how they are, and how we want the world to see us and our relationships.

 

 

 

Why the World Needs More Mentors

How many mentors do you have in your life? Real mentors. People successful in their own right, but who also believe there is room at the top and offer expertise to help you and others get there?

Or do you feel you are surrounded by people more willing to pull up a lawn chair and laugh at the miserable failures in your life?

Do you have people who are there for you in bad times or when you are a failure, but then disappear when you start becoming successful?

Do true mentors still exist or is giving professional guidance a thing of the past?

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Why we Crave Mentorship

Some people never grew up with parents who held their hands, guided them, genuinely cared about their success, etc. They lack confidence. Social anxiety is common these days because we have whole generations being raised without people in their lives who give a damn. Actually, really, truly give a damn.

So many times, I’ve worked with people I admired and have looked up to as mentors. I asked lots of questions and begged for more responsibilities. To me, I would see someone below me asking for more knowledge as a blessing. Why wouldn’t you want to be surrounded with people on missions of personal growth? Doesn’t this make for happier people and a better environment? Being under the same umbrella of organization, aren’t we on the same team? Do we not have the shared goal to advance our company above all?

But some people see proactivity in others as a threat. They gravitate towards almost Machiavellian tactics. It’s not about the company. It’s not about being a good person and mentoring another. It’s about personal success, wealth, slithering their way to the top, claiming a crown, adorning themselves in achievements.

Heaven help those of us who have good hearts and think we can succeed in the work world through our smarts, integrity, kindness and agreeability.

Today’s global employment network isn’t made for people like us. We are not willing to lie, cheat and steal to gain empowerment. We don’t want to step on others to get ahead and use people. We crave mentorship because we have an old-fashioned notion that people want to help others because of their virtues and because they find us deserving. We want mentors. We crave the ability to accept an award for our achievements someday and point to our mentor in the crowd and say, “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

Let’s be clear; A mentor is not a “life coach”. It’s not someone who asks us to pay them for counseling sessions, their ebook, their podcast, their course on how to win at life. A mentor is not Tony Robbins preaching at us from a stage, pacing and cussing about how we need to get our crap together (although this can be useful).

A mentor is a relationship – Someone one-on-one devoted to our success out of the goodness of their heart, a love for a cause or objective bigger than themselves which you could help with, or maybe even a selfish motive of getting some credit or positive accolades back to their name, someday, when you bloom into who you are meant to be. There are role models, life coaches, motivators, etc. and we must be clear on their differences.

Of all these, mentors are the most personal because they take a personal interest in you. We want this central person to be our voice of reason. We want their expertise and their guidance. We feel lost in the workplace and world at large and see our mentors as people who have figured it out enough to gain admirability. In a world where it’s become not cool to have role models, we realize in the workplace and in career pursuits, we still need them. We need goals to aspire to and people who have forged paths before us who make us believe it’s possible. We need mentors because we don’t fully trust ourselves and will always seek a voice of reason. We want to hear about their stories, know them, learn from their successes and failures. To us, they are worthy and admirable.

Sounds pretty flattering, right?

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The Pain of Failed Mentorship

Every day, I used to go into Sally’s office, whose job I was labeled as an “assistant” to. We would talk about personal stuff, work stuff, and I would volunteer to take more off her plate. Sally gladly handed me the tedium she didn’t want to deal with.

Certainly, phone calls were one of those tediums. So I ended up taking 90% of Sally’s calls. Balancing this with all the paperwork I was supposed to be doing was a challenge.

But I had a goal – First, I wanted Sally to like me. Purely and genuinely. Not because of any ulterior motive. I liked her. As a person, I thought she was charismatic, fun, motivating and brightened the room. Then, I wanted her to teach me the ropes. I was mid-career and had no idea where I was going in my life, but I wanted direction. I wanted to get to that next step. I wanted to be respected, too, eventually. I didn’t want to be someone’s 60 year-old assistant someday.

But Sally had me firmly sealed in a corner. After years as her assistant, I watched the CEO of the company bring in new managers equal to Sally and wondered why I wasn’t getting promoted. I liked Sally, but I couldn’t help notice she spent more and more time out of the office and my desk was piling up with her work. I wasn’t getting a raise. I wasn’t getting a promotion. I was getting the shaft and everybody in the company knew it and made it a point to tell me so.

I went into the Big Boss’s office and asked him what his plans were for me. I asked him straight out if I was a permanent assistant to Sally. He said she couldn’t do it without me and would be devastated if I moved on. I told him I liked Sally, but I didn’t want to be an assistant the rest of my career. His eyes narrowed as he appraised me and told me he didn’t think I was good enough. He said Sally had complaints about my work.

I left his office infuriated. The one person I considered a mentor had complaints? I had worked day and night trying to make her look good. There wasn’t a single deserved complaint about my level of effort. I turned out work above and beyond expectations and I knew it. So, completely disheartened, I left the company and took a promotion with another company.

Shortly after I left, Sally was fired. I was the crutch she leaned on and she couldn’t make do without me. Having not been properly mentored, within six weeks at the new company, I quickly realized I was over my head in the management role with the new company and resigned my position.

Had Sally mentored me, I probably would have happily been her assistant for more years as I learned more. When I was ready, she could have put in a good word and I could have been promoted. I could have properly trained her new assistant to be everything she needed. The company could have maintained its forward motion and we could have overtaken our competitors. Easily.

How much is lost when people who are good at what they do operate compartmentalized and do not mentor their peers to become better than they are?

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The Fear of Mentoring

While Sally threw all her tedious projects my way, I couldn’t help but notice she closely guarded certain aspects of her job. When I volunteered to help, she consistently told me she would take care of it.

At first, I thought nothing of all this and then I started seeing that Sally may actually consider me a threat. I found this laughable because nothing I offered could beat her experience. The field I worked in is faced with daily challenges. The only way you can truly be considered a “success” in the field is to be the most experienced. Only when you have handled all these challenges multiple times, do you become an old, seasoned pro who knows how to handle things each time because you dealt with all the ramifications of your decisions from the last time it happened.

I knew this. But perhaps she worried the head boss might not know this and may boot her to the curb in favor of shinier, younger, newer talent whom he could pay far less than what he was paying her. Maybe her fears were justified.

There is a lot of fear when it comes to mentoring. What if the person you mentor stabs you in the back and takes your job? What if the person you mentor isn’t thankful? What’s in it for you? What if you don’t have it all figured out yourself and this person is looking at you like you are Yoda, waiting for you to dispense wise advice you just don’t have? Are you even a mentor in the first place?

Most people don’t come right out and call you a mentor. They just casually seek your advice on a consistent basis. If so, it’s safe to assume they consider you somewhat of a mentor. Don’t make them feel stupid for asking you. It’s a huge compliment.

Maybe you are the one with a junior colleague who always seems to be coming to you for career advice. Don’t be afraid to be a mentor. No, you don’t know it all and that’s okay. Being a know-it-all is not required. But dispensing what you do know and offering an educated opinion is why you are being looked up to and asked for guidance.

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The Death of Mentorship

There are many warnings out there.

“Those who can’t do, teach” and those who closely guard secrets to success are wise.

But in reality, those who find ways to make life easier, who gain knowledge and sit on it, whose ego and greed become a sadistic need to hide gifts so other people may not gain from them – tend to become the very worst people of all.

We are not talking the formula for Coca-Cola here.

We are talking basic professionals refusing to mentor junior associates out of sheer greed. We are talking people with the need to hold all cards close to their chest so that when they leave a company, the company can’t function without them. This is the new screed, the new way of doing things.

You may hear people are too busy to be mentors now, but this simply isn’t true. We have the same number of hours in the day as we always have. Mentoring doesn’t mean a mentor has to give constant pep talks. A mentor can gently guide in minutes. But some things in society have changed…

Ask a child who their role models are and most of the time, you might get a confused “I don’t know” – As narcissism and self-obsession have grown in our culture, we have started asking others for their opinions less and less. We know it all now. why would we ask someone else for an opinion? That’s what Google is for.

We live in a society where everyone’s personal demons are now front page news instead of tabloid fodder. We’ve seen Presidents disgraced, celebrities live flawed lives, sports figures jailed…Who is there left to admire? And how long before the people we admire screw up? Look hard enough at anyone, and you’ll find something about them to be disappointed about.

Who could possibly mentor you when all the mentors and role models are tarnished, imperfect in every way, or flawed?

We live in a time of ugliness on the cusp of the greatest beauty when we finally learn to accept flaws exist and shape the human experience more than anything else. Maybe we will learn mentors are sometimes people who have walked through fire, committed the greatest mistakes, and haven’t led pure and unblemished lives.

Mentorship was dying, but will flourish again. The rise of Machiavellian get-rich-quick schemes, narcissism and the sabotage of those on the path to success will be discovered to be miserable living. The era of wealth and excess led us to this point of selfishness, but a society can not sustain itself on self absorption.

We need mentors. We need the people willing to take others under their wing. We need those who see others struggling with anxiety and lack of confidence who will take two seconds of their day to set them on the right path with words of wisdom. We need those people who believe in us and bring out the best in us.

A company stacked with mentors is a company stacked for success.

Mentors shape our world. We need more people not afraid to be mentors and if you are lucky enough to be mentored, never take for granted the fact that somebody cared enough to assist you with your success. Give accolades where they are due and pass it on.

Devil’s Advocate: When a Man Doesn’t Stick up for you

A wise, emotionally intelligent person knows when to offer an alternative Devil’s Advocate viewpoint, when to shut their mouth, when someone is “venting” and when someone just wants them to act as a mirror to assure they are justified in feeling the way they feel.

His name was Matthew. He was my ex’s friend.

Maybe the reason my ex is now my ex is because he never defended me against people like Matthew.

My ex and I kind of had this thing going where we were each other’s cheerleader. We would work out together and when we started feeling “fat” one or the other of us would encourage the other one to get up off the couch and get active. It worked well. For years we inspired each other.

So when my ex-husband fell into a funk and I noticed it, I made a post on Facebook with a great fitness article which really inspired me.

“Come on, babe!” I encouraged, “Let’s get going! We can do this!”

Enter Matthew, stage left.

Matthew, who was just a casual friend of my husband’s, took what I said the wrong way and went on a tirade about how much of a bitch I was. In Matthew’s opinion, I was telling my husband he was fat (I hadn’t said those words, at all). He then took it further, with a rant about how women ruined everything for men from the beginning of time.
Matthew was probably projecting his own insecurities, but yes, it was epic insanity.

In anticipation, I waited for my ex to defend me against Matthew’s attack. Instead, he laughed at his comments and said nothing. Then went on to talk with him like he hadn’t just called his wife a bitch.

Men, for the love of God, I don’t care who it is – Your dad, your brother, your mother, your sister, the mailman – If someone calls your wife a name like that, you’d better be defending your wife.

When I told him I was disappointed he didn’t defend me, he asked me what I had done to provoke Matthew.

Fighting words. I’d done exactly nothing and told him this.

“Oh. Guess he’s just being a jerk.”

That was the end of it, as far as he was concerned. I was still furious. The whole conversation between Matthew and myself was right there on Facebook and he blew it off as if it were my fault or like I had deserved his friend’s treatment somehow.

It was one of many times where he didn’t stick up for me. I can’t imagine ever letting one of my friends disrespect him that way. No way would I stand for someone talking to him the way his friend did to me while saying absolutely nothing. Years of this kind of behavior ended up being one of many things that did our marriage in.

Playing devil’s advocate can tell your spouse that their opinions and feelings do not matter. It minimalizes and trivializes problems. When one person in a relationship does this to the other, it can cause irreparable harm.

Even after this relationship was over, it was experienced in another relationship. As someone fairly level-headed, I thought, “What if he’s right? What if I do overreact? What if I am not giving the benefit of the doubt enough?”

And so I’d be more patient, flexible, more understanding…and get hurt over and over again. I’d take blatant insults from others repeatedly because the voice in my head told me “It’s probably your fault…Maybe you are overreacting.” Until I realized, my feelings were completely valid! I had every right to be pissed off when someone disrespected me.

There are reasons why people play Devil’s Advocate. Some are part of their personalities, some are well-intentioned; Others are more insidious.

Playing Advocate for the Devil’s Advocate

When someone plays devil’s advocate, there are several reasons. It’s not always a bad thing when done from a place of concern and reason. On a bigger scale, society needs Devil’s Advocates. They keep thinking from all going one direction. They break up sheep mentality. They keep us intellectually fit and mentally stable. Are they annoying? Yes. But you must examine intentions. When you’re in a relationship, things get trickier.

A wise, emotionally intelligent person knows when to offer an alternative Devil’s Advocate viewpoint, when to shut their mouth, when someone is “venting” and when someone just wants them to act as a mirror to assure them they are justified in feeling the way they feel.

Some people who are fantastic Devil’s Advocates in the arena of public thought may end up not making the best relationship partners unless they learn to turn off their advocacy within the boundaries of their most cherished relationships.

There are several different kinds of Devil’s Advocates and some are better in relationships than others. Some are wise enough to know when to “turn it off”.

So why do some continue to bring their passion for advocating for the Devil into the relationship?

1.  They are simply trying to provide an alternative viewpoint to be sure you are thinking of things from all angles

   They want to be sure you’ve thought of everything. Really. The friend who just stabbed you in the back you are telling them about – Do you really want to cut off ten years of friendship over one fight? They are trying to provide an objective voice of reason…because they are reasonable people.

   However, this can be highly insulting if you are one of those people who think things into oblivion until your very brain cells are exhausted. Chances are, you already know in the back of your mind what you are going to do about a situation. What you really wanted was to hear the person you love most in the world say was something like, “Damn, that sucks. You are absolutely right.” to validate the way you are feeling, “Yes, I’d be hurt, too.”

   Instead, they question every feeling you have. The truth is, your Devil’s Advocate probably means well if, in every other regard, they show their love for you on a consistent basis and you have no other reason to question the way they feel about you. Their ability to see all sides of a situation is what they are proud of about themselves and it’s possible they don’t realize the pain they cause.
   
   

2. This is their personality.

   They are difficult people. They like to stir the pot. They like the drama of giving a “Did you ever think about that?” response and then sitting back, smirking, arms folded to watch your brain scramble to defense. They are bullies of an insidious nature who throw acid on your every thought or idea and then claim, “I was just offering a different viewpoint/giving a different solution/providing some food for thought/trying to help, etc.”

   If they are smirking while listening to your problems or laughing about them while giving sarcastic responses, chances are this is what you are dealing with – Someone who derives pleasure from being a pain in the ass, or who doesn’t know when to be serious. For five seconds.

   They can’t stand attaching labels to themselves because they like to be able to make fun of everything without giving anyone else some perceived weakness to latch on to. They may be politically moderate. They won’t confine themselves to a genre of music. They will dress “boring”. They won’t reveal much personal detail about themselves. They are a moving target. Chances are, they became this way after being picked on a lot themselves. So they figure a vague life without being committed to any idea is the way to escape criticism while criticizing everyone else from their swiftly-moving cloud. They have found refuge in playing Devil’s Advocate to take the focus off their own insecurities.
   
   

3. They truly don’t care about your problems and are trying to shut you up

   You are annoying them. They don’t have the patience to deal with you and your problems. They don’t want to listen. They’re not even trying to play pot-stirring games with you. They just want to drop a bomb on you in the form of making you feel stupid so you will stop…talking.

   They will typically be more abrupt and point out one of your faults to take validation away from your feelings by using how you are imperfect against you.
   
   “Oh yeah? So some woman at the grocery store asked if you are pregnant? Like you don’t see how someone might say that?” (staring at your gut)
   
   “Alexandra asked someone else to photograph her wedding? Well, let’s face it – You’re not a very good photographer.”

   These are the typical responses of a Sociopath. Things as such might be completely true, but there are people on this earth who have not learned the fine art of diplomatic response, kindness and protecting the fragile sense of self of others. There are friends who are honest with you and then there are those who fire off statements, such as above, without thought or care to the impact those words might have on others. These people aren’t just “Devil’s Advocates”, they are the Devil, himself.

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Are you the Devil’s Advocate?

Maybe you have seen your advocacy ruin relationships with people you cared about.

Assuming it’s not that you don’t really care about the person or the psychological well-being of the person you are advocating against, maybe it really is just your personality to be this way as a form of protection. Maybe you can’t stand to have any discussion without exploring all sides in your quest for truth and knowledge.

If Devil’s Advocacy makes you feel protected, maybe it’s because people make you feel stupid every day. People don’t take you seriously. So why should you take them seriously? You can find the flaw in every situation and you’re not afraid to say it. You believe yourself to have a relationship with the truth – But you are ignorant of feelings and emotion.

It’s foreign to you why anyone would disclose so much personal information or leave themselves wide open and vulnerable by bleeding out their problems to someone else’s listening ear. When in a relationship with one of these people – You don’t get it. Instead of accepting that this is the way some people are, you try to change them to be more like you. You try to encourage them to be cold towards these issues…like you. This survival technique works for you, so why won’t they stop being stupid and learn it?

With every devil’s advocate comes a bit of arrogance. It’s arrogant to demand all people handle problems the way you do. Some people need to talk their problems out. Some need to let out an emotion and have someone echo back, “I hear you”. Just because you don’t does not mean the world will adjust to suit you. You don’t need to talk about problems and that’s great…or possibly not. Because even advocates sometimes eventually end up needing to see therapists.

You’ve probably been looking at emotive people as “weak”, “fragile”, or a burden without really seeing them for the gifts they are. While you believe you are on a quest for Truth via advocating for the devil, these people give you truth every day in the form of genuine expression.

Only a wise Devil’s Advocate will recognize this and begin to appreciate the color an empathic, emotive person who discusses their day at work, who talks about their plans, who tells you about their problems brings to the black and white of a fully advocated world.

Dear Devil’s Advocate – You seek truth and they are giving it to you. In return for their gift of beautifully emoted truth, it is you that may need to do the adjusting to give them back what they need – An affirmation of the world as they see it, the pain they are feeling, or their reasoning behind the decisions they make daily.

Okay, all This is Great, but Where is my White Knight?

Okay, establishing that not all devil’s advocacy is a bad thing, the part that is more worrisome than anything – The lack of defense from the partner of a Devil’s Advocate.

The people who spurned you, your partner cavorts with. The ones who stabbed you in the back, they still show kindness to. Their advocacy has made them seek the truth, but acting on it in reality is another matter.

First things first – Please examine the reason your partner did not stick up for you. Were you out of line? Did you take something too far? Or were you making a reasonable attempt to stand up for yourself? If you swear you are acting reasonably, there is no way to mince words – A devil’s advocate must realize the line where his/her advocacy ends and their relationship begins. Failing to recognize this will spell an end to even the best of relationships.

When someone insults your partner and you defend them, your penchant for advocating for the devil has become more important than your relationship. Beyond initially questioning, continuing to defend someone who has wronged your partner or failing to stand up for your partner is sheer cowardice. This shows you choose your reputation or friendship with other people over your relationship with your spouse or partner.

Maybe you feel your partner is overly sensitive and allowing petty disagreements to continually come between the two of you and good friendships — And this may be true.

Why do you feel your partner is being paranoid? Why do you feel they are exaggerating? Why do you feel the problem is theirs and not the other party’s? Could it be because you spend more time with your partner and have seen their faults? Is it possible that if you spent a large amount of time with the other party you might see that their viewpoints are more illogical than those of your partner?

In the end, you owe it to the one you love to take them at their word. If you doubt their word that much to the point you more often than not feel they are over-exaggerating every slight that comes their way, it’s possible the relationship is not for you.

And if you are the one who feels unheard or are being made to feel crazy, illogical, paranoid or consistently in the wrong even during times most people are agreeing you are right; Likewise, it may be time to think about your choice of mate.

Do You Expect Too Much of Your Friends?

Reality TV has saturated the time-tested status quo of friendship with new rules. From the scripted Desperate Housewives, Sex in the City, Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl, etc. to the juicy, diabolical not-so-ordinary lives of The Real Housewives, Kardashians, etc. In the process, friendship has been redefined in ways impossible to maintain.

Pictures with quotes appear on social media telling us how we should live and love. While some realize all the Facebook quotes about friendship are…well, bullshit. Others tend to make them their gospel. Preach, sister.

With ‘friendship’ being redefined before our eyes, we adopt too many rules, expectations, etc. of those we call friends. Friendship with someone with too many expectations is like a minefield. You’ll find yourself tip-toeing lightly, terrified of setting them off.

It’s time to dial back these guerrilla expectations of friendship. What makes a “Friendzilla”? Read on.

Your friends are not allowed to like people you do not like

“Oh, HELL no. Didn’t I make it clear to her what kind of person Suzy Q was? Then why do I see her in party pictures from Saturday night at Suzy’s house? What the hell was that about? I’ve told her Suzy is bad news and she still insists on going over there laughing with her, drinking her wine and chatting it up? Disgusting. I just can’t hang out with people with morals like that who aren’t smart enough to smell a rat. They were probably talking about me. After all, I know that’s what we would be doing if she were at my house. We’d be talking smack on Suzy. We love bitching about other bitches being bitches.”

Maybe you didn’t notice, but this makes your friends extremely uncomfortable… because they don’t think Suzy is all that bad.

You get mad if they don’t call, text or go out with you on your timeline

“Friends talk every day on the phone! Everyone knows this! Or, at least, everyone who is friends with me should know this. What the hell could she have to do that is more important than talking to me? Why can’t she multitask holding a phone to her ear while changing her baby, picking up the kids from school, folding laundry, and cooking dinner like I can?”

Why can’t your friend who works full time call you on her lunch break? Is it that damn difficult? Because she has responsibilities. You are important to her, but her life is too.

You expect them to share all the same opinions you do

“Don’t they know that Trump is the worst president everrrrrrr? How can she say he’s not that bad? You can’t be friends with someone like that! Ugh! How gross. And they don’t like ‘Sex in the City’?! What is wrong with them! It’s the best show of the 21st Century! I can’t believe she doesn’t like ‘Twilight’ or ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – What does she mean it’s like they are the same book with sex? What a prude.”

Yeah, you don’t need friends with such stupid opinions. Who cares that she bailed you out of jail, watched your kids for a month, or held you while you mourned the loss of your brother? Differences of opinion are just that. “Anyone who likes X is a B” is a mentality which sets you up for disastrous relationships. Look at who they are by their actions. That tells you all you need to know.

You expect them to follow a ‘girl code’ nobody can define

“Wooooow. She’s dating my ex-boyfriend? From middle school? Didn’t she know you are supposed to wait 40 years and then ask permission? This is so not cool. Almost as not cool as the time she dated the guy I liked first, but couldn’t date because he was a Sagittarius. It’s the GIRL CODE, stupid! Look it up!! Where? Oh, well you can’t, but like, it’s common sense stuff that every girl should know, right? There’s not a King James Version or anything. But still, date a guy I once thought was cute and said so first, I’ll cut you.”

If you’re asking people not to cross invisible lines in the sand or to follow a rule book that is not clearly defined and in print, why be mad when they break a ‘girl code’?

You get mad they can’t drop anything at anytime to help you

“Your mother’s funeral? What kind of excuse is that? You’re having a health and wellness party where you can buy your multi-level marketing product at half off! Half off!!! What is wrong with these stupid bitches? This is the deal of the century and they’re going to miss it! They’re so selfish for not helping a friend reach Platinum Level! Okay, so what time does burying your mother finish? Because I’m sure you can make it in time for vodka martinis and a game of Cards Against Humanity afterwards. It’s going to be so much fun! “Can’t wait to see you! I’ll leave the catalogue out so you can look at it when you get here…”

Your friends would love to be there for you. But if you guilt trip them, ignore their needs or are too demanding, don’t be surprised when they turn their backs on you.

You get too jealous when your friends exceed you in looks, finances, relationships, etc. and become bitter towards them

“Who the hell does she think she is being happy when my husband just left me? What kind of B.S. is this? Posting photos with her new man, talking about her new job and how great her life is right now. It’s effing ridiculous. That’s what it is. She should have some concern for all the people who aren’t as stupid happy as she is. Obviously, the rest of us aren’t doing as well and she should take that into consideration before posting that happy crap all in our faces. “The best sign of a relationship is no sign of it on Facebook” – Status update. Done. That should show her! Ugh…and the new job! She just wants to brag about how much money she’ll be making while the rest of us struggle to find work. What a terrible person.”

If you can’t be happy for your friends, they can’t be happy for you.

You stop talking to them if you disapprove of who they are with

“Ew. What does she see in him? He’s not even cute. He looks like Steve Carrell. He’s so frickin’ ugly. Barf. And he doesn’t even know how to dress! What the hell is he wearing? Looks like he stole one of Screech’s outfits from Saved By the Bell. I mean, he’s cute in a weird way, I guess, but not for her. Their personalities and astrological qualities are a disaster waiting to happen and I’m going to be the first to say “I told you so!” when it goes bust. What an idiot! Maybe I should start some gossip to make this happen a little faster. Oh, she will thank me later when she realizes I was right and what a loser he is.”

When you question your friend’s romantic partners, you are questioning more than just the guy. You are questioning their choices. It can be highly insulting when you find the love of your life only to have your girlfriends treat him like crap because they don’t like him. The truth is, you may be right about him. But it’s her life to live and her mistakes to make. Respect her as a friend, but keep your opinions about her boyfriend being a loser to yourself and hang out with your friend on your own if her boyfriend bugs you so much. She’s a big girl. If he’s really a loser, she’ll realize it soon enough.

You think ‘Three is a crowd’

“Um, no. I like Amber. But you two go to see that movie without me? Just because you know I hate Ryan Reynolds and will never, ever go see something with him in it, ever, and told you “No”? Excuse me? That means, and let me spell it out for you in big letters – MOVIE DATE CANCELED – Meaning, you don’t just run off with Amber to see it. In fact, you and ME are besties, right? So why the hell do you even need Amber anymore? She’s just extra baggage. She’s just another ear who will hear your secrets and might tell people. Haven’t you ever heard to ‘keep your circle small’? You’re ruining our small circle. Stop needing other people’s approval. All you need is me.”

At one time or another, many of us have ended up in needy, clingy relationships. We surely don’t need needy, clingy friends as well. This kind of attitude is just creepy and screams insecurity. It’s the kind of behavior they warn about in bad romantic relationships. It’s a good warning in friendships, too.

You push them to do things that violate their standards

“Quit being such a buzzkill. One more round of shots isn’t going to kill you. No, girl. Literally. Take this last shot of Fireball. Oh geez, you’ve only had seven! What’s one more? The club doesn’t close for another hour. Trust me. You’ll dance it off and then you’ll be just fine to drive home. Oh my God! That guy is still checking you out. You should totally just walk up and kiss him. Go home with him! You’re stupid if you don’t because he is hot. Seriously, you will never get an opportunity like this again. You’ll regret it. He could be THE ONE. You’d never know it because you are being chickenshit. You’ll thank me for this later. I promise. Go do it!!”

Maybe you enjoy your role as being the devil on their shoulder, but the truth is, you are encouraging your friend to make bad decisions which can be outright dangerous. If someone is really your friend, you worry about their wellbeing, not encourage them to push beyond their comfort zone into doing things they don’t feel comfortable with.

You expect them to read your mind

“Hmm…Why isn’t she taking the hint? I’ve already hit her with a hundred passive aggressive memes. I can’t just say it. That would make me look really bad. It would be…confrontational. You can’t just tell someone what you’re thinking! Oh Lord, no! You have to Google the perfect meme!”

From everything I’ve learned about memes & quotes…

Memes about friends who aren’t there for you = You haven’t called me today. I’m mad

Memes making fun of people posting about their relationships online = I’m jealous. Please stop

Memes making fun of girls wearing makeup = Stop being prettier than me

See?! It’s like girl morse code. Learn to read it; Or face their wrath.

You judge them by how much they do for you, not how much they love you

“Seriously. Candy bought me a scarf and a bottle of perfume. What did you buy me? When I had a party, Candy bought me a jug of homemade moonshine. Candy helped me move when I needed someone with a truck. Candy came to my party and bought $150 worth of my products to help me reach Platinum level. Candy got me an autographed copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ (and even told the author to ignore the stain on the inside of the book – That’s a true friend!). What have you done for me? Oh yeah, your mother died. Whatever. Some excuse. Maybe Candy should be my new best friend! Wait…what? What do you mean “Good luck to Candy”?

I once had a friend I loved dearly, but I couldn’t attend her destination wedding in the Caribbean. I simply couldn’t afford it at the time. As a result, I became a HORRIBLE person. Not to mention, the wedding was on New Year’s Eve and I’d already had plans made a year in advance. Mind you, I was never asked to be a bridesmaid. I was just asked to attend. Not surprisingly, she canceled the entire event in a tearful e-mail telling everyone how it seemed like nobody cared about her big day.

This was a friend whom I’d talked to during her boyfriend’s deployments and we’d developed a friendship online. She became downright vindictive and nasty after that. All the kind things I’d done for her meant nothing because of the one thing I couldn’t do for her – Pay thousands to attend a wedding and cancel all other plans.

Friendships are a give and take. Lives get busy, people get busy. Expect nothing of your friends other than that they be good decent people, and you will not be disappointed.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Pexels.com